July 2001

July 31/2001 (12:23 AM) ~ posted by Professor Particle
Oops. Apparently I was caught in a time warp and lost a day. I didn't come into work or do anything else I was supposed to do on Monday. Like write my coloumn. Snuh.

Here's my unfashionably late column. Coincidentally, it shares its title with a Voivod album. I have no idea what that means.

Here's the column that Sean didn't want you to see. Apparently he's afraid of Ani Difranco fans. Coincidentally, it shares its title with a Cannibal Corpse album. I don't know what that means either.

 

July 26/2001 (5:53 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
I've been having to work many extra hours at work, and while the scratch (aren't I "hep"?) is more than welcome, I've not had time to write a new column. For that, I'm sorry, though you might not be. For all I know, you think my column is a Kevin Smith fan forum or an orange animal bestiality site or something, and not even give a crap about my schedule. But for those of you that do, I humbly (VERY humbly) offer a substitute in the form of one of my early works, with some pointless commentary and a gratuitous snide comment about Sean added so I can call it a "Special Edition." Enjoy.
 

July 26/2001 (12:54 PM) ~ posted by JP
Hey everybody!

Yesterday was the first weekly forum chat session and we had a good turnout from what I'm told, unfortunately I couldn't attend until aroud 11pm once everyone was long gone. Don't fret if you missed it though, you can join in the fun anytime on Tangmonkey Forum or join us every Wednesday at 9pm EST for a live chat via our java-client or your own IRC-client. I'm really happy with the little community we've built here but you know what I really love? When people click the banner!

In other news, I wrote a column yesterday about my turbulent teenage years at Gamestem. It's probably not a bad read but what I'd really rather check out is the preview chapter of Douglas Coupland's new book All Families are Psychotic. The book is due out in September and I can't wait. Doug's also redesigned his site so you should go check it out.

Oh yeah, buy a god-damned shirt!
 

July 25/2001 (12:33 AM) ~ posted by JP
Update: Marc's been working overtime to bring you *two* new Evil Love Comics today, here and here. Enjoy!

After much bitching and whining on Seb's part we've finally gone ahead and scheduled a weekly chat session for the forum. It's going to be every wednesday night at 9pm EST. I hope everyone's happy with that. I've also gone ahead and added the IRC info to the chap app so that if you want you can use a plain ol' IRC client to take part in the chats. To access this info go to the forum and click "chat", the info's now in the login window.

Read the following post by Zebulon, it's great.
 

July 24/2001 (6:25 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
THIS JUST IN!

GOD HATES ASH

He Just Gets Under My Skin, Reports Supreme Being

HEAVEN: At a press conference called today in response to allegations made by Ash, God stated unequivocally today that he does, in fact, hate the Tangmonkey.com staffer and publisher of the “Pulp” E-zine.

“I am the Creator of all the universe and all those that dwell within it,” stated God, speaking through a spokesangel, as no mere human is capable of gazing upon His ultimate perfection. “and, as I state in My Book, My love for you all knows no bounds. But that little jerk gets under My skin something fierce, let me tell you.”

God went on to say, “Until he ceases being so Ashlike, I am showing My displeasure by inflicting a series of plagues and misfortunes on this wretch. I mean, I know I made him Canadian, but even that is no excuse for his severe Ash-ness.”

Among the instances of Divine wrath already visited upon Ash is the Flat Tire In A Remote Area, the Large Inflamed Zit Before A Major Social Event and the dreaded “Let’s Just Be Friends Speech” on seventeen separate occasions, at least ten of which were women Ash had never before met approaching him at random and informing him of his lack of a chance with her.

Among the upcoming plagues listed are the Painful Gas Attack While With Someone You Wish To Impress, The Chronic Forgetting To Zip Your Pants, The Rain Of Frogs In The Shower and the Loss Of Internet Service. God stated that these attacks will continue until Ash ceases to be such an Ash, or at least until he moves to America with all the other JackAshes. Ash was unavailable for comment as Tangmonkey Spokesman J.P. reported that Ash was "Stuck on the Crapper with the Screaming Shits for the fifth consecutive day."
 

July 23/2001 (10:50 AM) ~ posted by Ash
Why is every goddamn day in my life like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek? Because there are no good episodes of Dawson's Creek, and also because God hates me. This has reduced me to sitting alone in a darkened room listening to Type O Negative for large amounts of time, which is actually a good thing for you guys, because when the darkened room has a computer, PULP is born. This month's bout with depression has formed an entirely new entity, however, in the form of a new weekly column for tangmonkey, penned by yours truly, that will examine the classic films I watch every week in diary form. Hopefully, the first installment should be up on the site by this Saturday, provided I can find the computer's power switch in the dark.
 

July 23/2001 (1:39 AM) ~ posted by JP
Money makin', money money makin', supa disco, disco breakin'...

Yes, that's right, the new shirt designs are done and on sale now. It's a brand-new design that Neale cooked up based around the TM-hug graphic at the top of this page with a slight 3-d twist that'll give you an idea of where we're headed with site redesign we plan to launch at the begining of august. The shirts are 100% cotton and they cost $15, this time around we're offering optional back-slogans for an extra 2 bucks. Not a bad deal. Go check out the merchandize page for more details on ordering and to see the logo and slogans for yourself. I know you'll do the right thing...
 

July 19/2001 (8:28 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
The new View Askew is here.

Well, I went to see the much-anticipated Final Fantasy movie today. And while the movie itself was great, I have to ask what the fuck makes advertisers think we go to the movies to watch ten minutes of mother fucking commercials!?! I paid for my ticket, to watch a movie, not to see Britney Spears sing about Pepsi, or be bade to wonder "what is it about the green ones?"!!

I know that the advertisers have their ideal audience in a theater, namely a captive one. An audience that can't channel surf, go to the bathroom, hit mute or raid the refrigerator. And I'm sure that makes them clap their little hairy palms in glee. But I wonder what they think has changed from a decade ago, when they tried it the first time and the public raised such a stink? Let them pay for product placement like they're supposed to.

And speaking of product placement and Final Fantasy, what made Pepsi think that a product placement of a Pepsi billboard in the ruins of New York made an ounce of sense??

By the way, you, yes you, personally, need to visit JP's friend Steph's site here. "The sweet, sweet flames of smouldering death" is my new favorite phrase.
 

July 18/2001 (4:29 PM) ~ posted by JP
Something I did this morning left a bad taste in my mouth...

It wasn't writing this column: Under the Hood at Tangmonkey.com

It wasn't hearing that Microsoft is not going to be supporting java in their new OS/Browser.

I think it may have had something to do with the fire-eating, but I'm not sure... That's right, it being my day off I decided to try out my newly-crafted fire-eating torches in my backyard. Now, it should be noted that this is a completely moronic thing to try so don't even think about it. No burns yet but Kerocene tastes icky... wish me luck!
 

July 17/2001 (12:04 AM) ~ posted by Ash
Hey kids, I forgot to mention that PULP's favourite rock 'n' roll band Crankenstein will be playing in Ottawa tommorrow, technically today, at their favourite haunt, Bumpers. The doors open at around 9, and the line-up for the evening features new local band The Rhythm Rockets, Crankenstein, and the Rolling Stones. Be sure to come check it out, should you have nothing better to do that hear angry youths screaming about Satan. Also, I should mention that the Tomb Raider review recently posted in the PULP deleted scenes page is actually written by X, The Geoff With The X-Ray Eyes, although it is credited to yours truly. It was a pathetic attempt to seem literate by stealing someone else's article, and I apologize.
 

July 16/2001 (3:23 AM) ~ posted by Professor Particle
I dedicate this column to those of you who prefer their conservatives compassionate, their guns uncontrolled, and their fire friendly.
 

July 15/2001 (12:49 AM) ~ posted by JP
Last thursday, after our regular game of ultimate frisbee, my friend Steph said "JP, link to my site or I'll gut you like the fish that you are". Now normally I would have brought it to her attention that I am, in fact, not a fish and, in reality, quite human but at the time she was holding a rather large scaling knife and I didn't want to chance it. Click here to be transported to Steph's rather depressing site about living life to it's fullest. It's rather depressing because I wouldn't be writing this, nor would you be reading it if anyone involved in the whole process was living life to it's fullest.

Perhaps I feel this way because I've just come back from washing dishes for nine hours...
 

July 14/2001 (11:49 AM) ~ posted by JP
As promised I've added some stuff to Pulp's Deleted Scenes today. There's a review of Tomb Raider, some new hate-mail and some more. Also don't forget to check out Pulp 8 and there's also a new cover for Pulp 7.

The hate-mail is from one of our most active forum members, Seb, who's also been bugging me to get a weekly forum chat organized so I'll probably try to get something going by next week. Seb also thinks you should all click the banner in the forum to support the site and I gotta say, the guy's got a point. Go do it now!
 

July 14/2001 (1:54 AM) ~ posted by JP
Well, I would have had this done about 12 hours earlier but my brother dragged me out to go mountain biking and then Sean dragged me out to the bar, damn you social obligations! Anyway, it was a fun day and I've stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to bring you the latest pulp, check it out now! Tomorrow I'll add some stuff Ash sent me to Pulp's Deleted Scenes.
 

July 12/2001 (11:30 PM) ~ posted by Sean
We've had a very busy week. My Life As Nat has been getting a great deal of exposure, and we thank all of our visitors for coming by. Just because we have some special feature to promote, however, does not mean that the rest of Tangmonkey shuts down.

In addition to the new BLAG from two days ago, and yesterday's positively lovely, change-of-pace View Askew piece, the new Mumbles & Music has just been posted (it looks as the superiority of sad music, and David Gray's Lost Songs). Go, read - it's good for you.

In other news...

I'm not the only one who seems to approve of reading. In this age of supposed television and internet saturation, teens are reading more than ever. Well, good for them.

A beautiful project that finds repetition in music and then represents them graphically, is The Shape of Song . Explore the whole site; it's worth it.

This is as close to the actual X-Files as any of us will ever get.

Finally, if I was a Wizard, I'd be lawful good. Whattaboutyou, huh?
 

July 12/2001 (9:07 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, my new column is here. But be warned- It's not funny. I wanted to try something different. I hope you like it.

On a lighter note, I have found the best way to view Tangmonkey. Those of you of legal age may find it here. They do use some objectionable language.

Well, I'm off to bed. I have to get up for work in an hour.
 

July 10/2001 (11:58 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Well, the new PULP is finally out in a really screwed up email form, and should be up on the site any day now. Hopefully it will somehow get funnier in the transfer. If you want an advance copy, send an email here, and maybe you'll get lucky. In other PULPy news, there should be couple of new deleted scenes up in the next few days, as well as brand new covers for the last two issues, thanks to George Van Dyke at Chameleon arts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a stack of Swamp Things to read before bed.
 

July 10/2001 (11:30 AM) ~ posted by JP
I'm going to keep this short so I don't overshadow Sean's brilliant "My Life as Nat" piece described below. There's a new Evil Love Comic out today and this time there's nudity! Also new as of yesterday is Zebulon's column Your Horoscope for Today, a little late to have any life-altering effects but a hilarious read none the less. One last thing you should check out is Sean getting in trouble for self-linking on Metafilter.
 

July 9/2001 (8:54 PM) ~ posted by Sean
My Life As Nat has been updated, in order to reflect rootnode's discovery, and subsequent reaction to the hoax. Not to worry - we had everything archived.

In other news...

Shades of Seinfeld, a tale of a man's final hand job. No, not that kind of hand job. Sicko.

Speaking of sickos, they've been edited out of this site, so that interior decorators can comment on the design of amateur porn living-rooms. Finally, we can stare at those atrocious drapes without all those naked men in the way!

Here's a silly, fictional article about an British indie rock brawl. "Arab Strap frontman, Aidan Moffat, pummelled a practically defenseless Charlatans UK member Tim Burgess until blood spurted from his furrowed brow." Having seen an Arab Strap concert, this could actually happen. Moffat's one drunk motha.

And, finally, creepy, explicit, stick-figure animations from qrime.com. Not to say that creepy, explicit, stick-figure animations are bad...
 

July 9/2001 (7:01 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, after nearly a week's delay, and much pain, suffering, sleep deprivation, and, you guessed it, eye boogers, and excessive comma usage, the new View Askew is up. You may admire it here. In the past 48 hours, I've slept 5. I'm off to go play in the hallucinations.
 

July 9/2001 (1:23 AM) ~ posted by Professor Particle
Destroy all robots!

*ahem*
 

July 9/2001 (12:08 AM) ~ posted by Sean
Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a most yummy feature article for you all to feast your eyes on. It is a tale of deceit, betrayal, chimpanzees, and Australian pop stars. It is called "My Life as Nat," and the title is most explanatory. I invite you to dig in. Tell your friends. And be sure to check out that link near the end.

Who owns the image of the Coca-Cola bottle? Could Coke be involved in high-level espionage and corruption? How does the CIA fit in? If you are interested you can find out here.

But be warned: I find the writing style inflammatory, there is an almost painful amount of detail, and it takes forever to read... despite that, it is still a worthwhile piece for the fact that a story of this magnitude would not be touched by mainstream media.

One Canada Day down, one Independence Day in the bag. What a happy week for North America. Hip hip hooray. Cheers. Etcetera.

Pardon my lack of gleeful exuberance - it's just not my style. My style is less Ernie, more Bert. Less Tigger, more Eeyore. Less Tom Jones, more Tom Waits.

Well, okay, maybe I'm more Ernie than Bert, but that Eeyore thing still stands.

I have a lot of things going on, many of which are related to this site, so please forgive the lack of a particularly recent post. Hopefully this will provide you with a fix for a while. Coming soon is a terrific new feature, as well as, hopefully, a couple of new columns and the serial novel. We just need to get our act together. I'm also finishing up organization of the Ninja Death Squads (for anyone who's wondering about what's going on with them); if anyone is interested on occasionally being called to contribute to TM stuff with Art, Writing or Webcode, email me.

I will also, again, announce to all that we're looking for people to review CDs. The duties are fairly small, and may well result in free albums for you. Again, drop me a line.

In other news...

There are lots of things that the Man doesn't want you to know. That AOL's really a virus, for instance. The pot cures cancer. That orgies do indeed happen. That some people do care whether you use Garamond or Times New Roman.

There are also some things that the Man wants you to know, so I'll do Him the service of telling you:

BMW has paid some of the world's best film directors to put together short films featuring their product. These mini-movies are startlingly well put-together, with exorbinate production values, sound acting, and exciting action sequences. People from Guy Ritchie to Ang Lee are participating, and the project is overseen by David "Fight Club" Fincher. What's more, it's free - they're commercials, after all. Only available on the Web.

Blur Studios did not design the MySimon mascot. If you email their CEO, he'll insult your penis size.

Oh - and finally, in a completely unrelated matter, the new Lego Bionicle series is way, waaay cool. A deep, well-designed world, with elaborate mythos and groovy looking characters. Anyone who wants to donate some Bionicle to the Tangmonkey Group is welcome to. Email me. (Notice a common theme? Yeah, I'm reaching out. 'Help me! Help me!' I'm saying. But does anyone listen? No. Of course not. *sniff* All I want is some Bionicle, dammit!)
 

July 4/2001 (12:03 AM) ~ posted by Ash
Hello everyone. I trust you all had a wild and wacky Canada day. I personally had the most fun ever, electing to work for 12 hours and then fall asleep on the couch watching taped episodes of Brimstone while avoiding phone calls from my irate landlord. Oh Canada indeed. That said, the new PULP should be out in a few days, so be sure to sign up here if you want an email advance copy. Other than that, I'm debating adding a weekly feature, sort of an Ash week-in-review type thing with short capsule reviews of whatever movies I've seen that week, so let me know if any of you will bother reading it if I bother putting the effort into writing it. Email me at pulp@tangmonkey.com.
 

July 1/2001 (1:03 AM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Speaking of hippies, Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. Damn, but I hate that song.

Have you ever been watching Nick at Nite or something and, in a mind-blowing earth-shaking dog-stomping word-hyphenating epiphany, thought "Great Spotted Owls! This show sucks!! If only there was a place on the internet where I can bitch about it!" Well, fear not good Tangmonkeyers, salvation is here. Perhaps our society isn't as doomed as I had thought.

On a side note, if it is possible to add a "side" note to a post with no topic, I'm currently reading The Onion's book "Our Dumb Century," and I must say it is the funniest book ever, and I include my collection of love sonnets in that statement.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed.
 
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