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What I Learned Today
7.19.2001 by Zebulon

Today, I thought I’d share some excerpts from my journal. I use “Journal” rather than “Diary” because everyone knows only sissy girls write in diaries. Journals are completely different things for reasons that I’m sure will come to me later.

“What I Learned Today”

Today, I learned that the best things in life often happen without warning, and are often realized only in retrospect.

I learned that it is possible for a monkey to lose all of its body hair.

I learned that if you fashion tiny pontoons for it, a toaster can be dropped into a full bathtub with no ill effect.

Today, I learned that the previous statement is null and void if the toaster is plugged in when it contacts the water.

I learned today that mall security guards can run very fast when they want to.

Today, I learned that whirling helicopter blades are excellent for removing stubborn jar lids.

I learned that, no matter how repulsive, disgusting, or worthless something seems, that, if you work hard enough, you can find someone insane enough to buy it from you.

Today I learned that, contrary to popular belief, there are a few things that duct tape and WD-40 cannot remedy, such as kitchen grease fires.

Today I learned that today is yesterday’s tomorrow, and that some people can just believe any random gibberish is deep and profound.

Today I learned that there are computers that monitor all Internet activity, including Usenet and e-mail for certain phrases, so that if I type BLOW UP THE WHITE HOUSE WITH MARSHMALLOWS that it will confuse the hell out of someone.

Today I learned that there is hotel that employs a full-time gourmet chef for dogs, while some people have to rely on things like thisfor dinner.

I learned today that we are all bought and sold.

Today I learned that Batman is neither affiliated with Major League Baseball nor in fact an actual person.

Today I learned what I wouldn’t do for a Klondike bar.

Today I learned never to trust anyone named Artie.

Today I learned that Hope is still alive, and she dances in a strip joint in Valdosta, Georgia.

What did you learn today? E-mail it to Zebulon@Tangmonkey.com and, if I get enough (Read: “Pretty much any”) replies, they may turn up in a future column. Go on! Do my work for me!

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