About the Author

Column Archive

Your Horoscope For Today
7.9.2001 by Zebulon

As a service to both my readers, I have decided to perform a public service by using my considerable astrological skill to scrye a G.E. 75-watt light bulb, and create a horoscope. Watch out, Miss Cleo!!

Aries: Today, some stuff will happen. Expect to spend money on something. Also, your car will break down in the middle of nowhere and you will be kidnapped by a disgustingly obese guy named Simon, who will force you, at gunpoint, to lay vinyl flooring in his rumpus room.

Taurus: Your bad karma catches up to you in the form of a pack of rabid wolverines who viciously maul you while you're waiting in line at the post office. However, while you're laying bleeding in the street waiting for the paramedics, you'll find the state quarter you were needing to finish your collection.

Gemini: Don't even bother getting out of bed.

Cancer: Good fortune ensues as the celebrity you're stalking throws out an old pair of socks you can add to your collection.
However, an unexpected exposure to gamma radiation causes you to grow antlers.

Leo: You're a worthless piece of scum that will be followed by misfortune and anguish all your adult life. Pain, disease, and
heartache will be your constant companions. But all is not lost- you'll get the part-time job at the shoe store you've been angling after.

Virgo: Second only to God, you delight and inspire millions with your charm, style, wit, and grace. Your charity work and good deeds will cause your body to radiate a soft light that will calm and comfort the diseased and hopeless Leos you will meet. However, the light will give you cancer all over your body and you will waste away and die in a matter of days.

Libra: Your frantic search for your missing toothbrush will cause you to wander to China. Lost and destitute, your only hope is to work in a rice paddy until you earn enough money to buy a train ticket back to your home and to purchase your toothbrush back from the kidnappers that took her. Er, I mean it.

Scorpio: You are a foul, venomous person who uses and exploits all around you for your own personal gain. Therefore, expect good fortune and riches to rain upon you for the rest of your life.

Sagittarius: You will develop a severe headache trying to spell your Zodiac sign. Get a life.

Capricorn: Expect to be attacked by a vampire while walking down the road to get your car, which rolled down your driveway and into your neighbor's dandelion garden again, because you keep leaving it in neutral for some stupid reason. The rest of your tortured existence will be spent as an undead zombie slave, devoid of will and thought.

Aquarius: Ditto.

Pisces: Once again, you're almost to work when you realize you've forgotten your pants. Expect the training wheels to fall off your life when you realize while looking through a deck of badly illustrated tarot cards that planetary movement and cheap cards have no effect on your life except to cause you to waste time and money on psychic hotlines. You boldly decide to take control of your own life by making your own decisions. Unfortunately, your first decision is to join a cult.

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page