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Tomb Raider **
X, The Geoff With The X-Ray Eyes

Tomb Raider, the blockbuster motion picture starring Angelina Jolie, is the stirring tale of a hologram named Rimmer, and his tribulations aboard an adrift mining spaceship 3 million years in the future. At least I wish it were, because then it would be the Red Dwarf movie, based on the TV show, and starring Chris Barrie, who in Raider plays Jolie's butler, Hilary. He's the most entertaining character in the film and he's on screen for maybe 5 minutes. Not to disregard Jolie's performance of course. In Jolie's portrayal of Lara Croft we have a very compelling pair of mammaries. I mean character. But what about the breast...I mean rest of the film?To sum up, Tomb Raider is a profoundly stupid movie. As such, it is perfect fair for a summer film. Is it dumber than Mummy 2, or A Knight's Tale? No. Those movies were absolutely bad. Tomb Raider is just disappointing. By way of comparison, say that the Tomb Raider film is an excellent collection of top notch toys, but the people they let play with them used the toys wrong. Like Star Wars figures having a picnic. In the "plot", Tomb Raider's dead dad, played by Jolie's real dad John Voight, leaves a message that Angelina should destroy this magical triangle when she finds it, because the Illuminati (chosen as villains apparently for their name, as the actual history or conspiracy behind them doesn't work in at all, nor is it mentioned) want to use its power to control time for some unstated nefarious purpose. This triangle is split in two parts. After much hullabaloo, Jolie finds one and escapes the evil guys. My thinking at this point is, she should destroy it! Then there won't be two parts, and the bad guys can't join them together to create a whole magic triangle and thus do whatever it is they were going to do. I bet their plan was to wipe out something we all like. Perhaps fluffy bunnies! However, Jolie destroying the half of the triangle would mean an ostensible end to the film, so we can't have that. Then Jolie proceeds to GIVE her part that dad had said destroy so the Illuminati won't get it TO THE ILLUMNIATI! No real reason is given, though the audience is left to assume that it is because Jolie wants to see what will happen (?) and maybe get a chance at seeing dad again(what with the time control).The Illuminati keep Tomb Raider alive at this point for the poignant, plot-moving reason of "One Tomb Raider is good, two Tomb Raiders are better". You see they have their own, evil Tomb Raider working for them, a semi-rival/former lover of Jolie, recreating in many ways the Indy/Belloq dynamic. Except Indy and Belloq, well, they weren't lovers. I don't think. So then the climax takes place in this lost city in Siberia(maybe, it was somewhere cold, and the natives weren't Eskimos), in an elaborate set that looks like an elaborate set. With millions of dollars flying around, there is no excuse for that. Jolie sees dad again, who tells her to destroy the triangle, which finally sinks into her thick Tomb Raiding skull. She destroys the triangle, and there is a pointless fist fight. The End. The biggest mystery about the climax is why Jolie brought her sidekick, Hacky Von Hackenstien the computer expert, to the final location. He didn't do anything besides rent some sled dogs and make a bum joke. Perhaps the bum joke was key to the plot. On top of all that, the lost city was located in a "Dead Zone", which is apparently a place where electronics do not function, making Hacky's presence even more confusing. And "Dead Zone"? The phrase is bandied about like it is common parlance. Sure, there's one down the street by my friend Steve's house. Who doesn't know what a "Dead Zone" is? Personally I thought they involved Christopher Walken somehow. Perhaps I am being overly critical of a dumb summer movie. Personally I prefer some kind of logic in my films, and not a plot being driven by the need for there to be a plot. On top of it all, I had to walk 10 kilometres to see the film, so that may colour my view. It would have to be a damn good movie to be worth the 10k walk. Tomb Raider is not.To sum up, if you are a big fan of the game, or of Angelina Jolie's bosom, this film may be for you. If you have to walk farther than a block or two to see it, don't.

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