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7.31.2001 by Professor Particle

Everybody likes dinosaurs. At least that's what Michael Crichton and Steven Speilberg would have you believe. I watched Jurassic park 1 and 2 reluctantly, but I don't think I could stand another one. The first one wasn't bad, but it's only redeeming feature was the CG dinosaurs of course. But that's gotten old. The second one had nothing new to offer other than an annoying little girl who used her gymnastics to subdue dangerous dinosaurs. Needless to say, I was rooting for the raptors.

So despite the fact that Jurassic Park 3 is going to make a gazillion dollars, none of them will be mine. For a string of movies that purports to be science fiction it does neither science nor fiction well. Quite frankly, I'd rather watch a bunch of dead dinosaurs in a museum, but they probably wouldn't make a very entertaining movie. So what can you do?

Come up with your own Jurassic Park movie! It's easy if you use my systematic method.

The first resource you'll need is good dinosaur pictures. Print 'em up, cut 'em out, and glue'm to popsicle sticks. You now have your cast.

The second resource you'll need is friends. If you don't have any you can rent them. This takes care of the crew.

The third resource is a video camera. A friend of mine from London recently acquired one, and he'll part with it for cheap. Now you've got your equipment.

The forth thing you'll need are some scary non-human noises for your dinosaurs. Might I suggest some Henry Rollins spoken word?

You're all set. But wait. You forgot the most important part...

Ah, The plot! If you want to come up with your own plot, you can smash your head into your keyboard and pick out any words that form in the random letters. That's how the first 2 Jurassic Park movies were written. If you're too lazy, I'll get you started:

The film can open with a few Boy Scouts destroying fossilized dinosaur footprints and throwing them in the water. Enter Dinosaur, stage right. With one triumphant stride, he crushes the boys, and scrapes their remains into river. Fade to black. Roll credits.

The moral: dinosaurs hate homophobes.

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