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Friendly Fire
7.16.2001 by Professor Particle

Relax. It'll soon be a brave, new, non-lethal world we live in. There'll be no more visions dancing around in our heads of Peter Sellers riding a nuclear bomb. There'll be no more need to worry about innocents caught in the crossfire between good guys and bad guys. This new era of safety will be brought to you courtesy of American military spending.

A sizeable chunk of scientific funding in the States comes from the military. We're not just talking about the big new toys that go "BOOM!" either. Much of the cutting edge research with applications to everyday technology, medicine, and fundamental science is infused with money from organisations with the word "defense" somewhere in the title. Everything is so intertwined that cutting the military budget would inevitably lead to cutting a considerable amount of science funding. It's like Siamese twins sharing a heart . That used to bother me until I found out about some of the cool new war toys that are going to bring peace and prosperity to our world.

The first cool new toy being tested is the "Pain Beam". Think of it like a bunch of invisible gnomes that run up to you and give you an Indian Sunburn all over your body. People that like to whine about stuff like "human rights" worry about how this device will affect people eyes and don't appreciate the applications to quick-tan technology. I think they might be persuaded by the debate-winning aid known as pepper spray.

Remember Star Wars? No, not the movies featuring the ultratalented Mark Hamill. I'm talking about the giant lasers on satellites that were going to blow up incoming communist warheads or anyone that dared challenge Reagan's empire. The idea was mothballed for awhile, but now the sequel is here. The US has been working on a ground-based interceptor system to blow up the weapons of mass destruction, but the tests have all been failures. Until now. With recent evidence that the systems may work, Bush wants to up the cash flow to the project to about 8 billion bucks per year. Everything is planned to be operational by 2004.

Hooray! We don't need to worry about rogue nuclear powers anymore. We no longer have to resort to primitive things like "negotiations" or "compromise". Let countries like India and Pakistan deal with that hassle. Partypoopers, like Russia, China, Democrats, and Pacifists, say this will merely spawn a new arms race. That couldn't possibly be true. Who could possibly profit from a new arms race?

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