June 2001

June 30/2001 (1:06 PM) ~ posted by JP
I'm taking a break from my column, read all about it here. If you want to write an interview or two while I'm away email me and I'll be more than happy to post your stuff.

This just in: I've created a new area in the forum for the so called hippies, please read my about this forum post for more info. Basically it's gonna be a haven for those who want to speak their minds without being screamed at by jerks.
 

June 29/2001 (7:15 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Hello everyone.

I can't be long, as I'm off to see A.I. Hopefully it will not be the disappointment that early reports have suggested, but regardless of what I think about it, I'm sure we're all waiting on baited breath for Ash's educated take on the matter.

In the mean time, late but not terribly so, is this week's Murmurs & Music column. The article looks at the future of online music, as well as reviewing dublab.com's new compilation, Freeways. Take a look, you electronica-heads.

In other news...

The eBay-owned website half.com has paid a city to rename itself to half.com. What I'm left wondering is what the residents call themselves. Half.commers? Half-comites? All I know is that it's certainly not half.commies.

Does Yahoo Serious really exist? Or is it just a joke? I'm confused, and perhaps a patsy.

Everybody knows that Google is the world's best search engine. Did you know, however, that you can read it in languages such as French, Spanish, Elmer Fudd, Pig Latin, and Bork Bork Bork? (Not to mention "Hacker". 1337!) Access languages by clicking on the 'Interface Language' pull-down menu.

And finally, Go Dubya Go!
 

June 27/2001 (11:28 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
My new column is now up. Of course, I mean new as in "An old one from another site that I dragged up." But it's still just as good as anything else I've posted here, these news items included. Enjoy.

I got the image in the column from a site called Corkscrew.com. It's a web site. About corkscrews.


 

June 27/2001 (2:05 PM) ~ posted by JP
New Evil Love Comic today.

My column will be delayed yet again this week because of work, I *may* be able to pull something out of my ass tomorrow (day off!) but it remains to be seen if it will be a column or not.

Oh yeah, the forum seems to be displaying some paying ads now (as well as the usual scintillating conversation). Go click now!
 

June 26/2001 (9:40 PM) ~ posted by Ash
I'm alive! I'M ALIVE! And I still have all my teeth! Which is more than I can say for many of the members of the bands I just trekked to see. More later, but I just thought I'd let you kids know that I'm alright, and there's no need to worry about Uncle Ash.
 

June 24/2001 (11:44 PM) ~ posted by JP
And now JP will bitch and gripe about his job:

My new job, for those of you to whom I haven't already bitched and griped is washing dishes at The Black Thorn Cafe. From 4pm to midnight for the past 5 days I've washed dishes at The Black Thorn Cafe, I'm getting pretty sick of it already. On friday my boss said "JP, I need you to work Saturday and Sunday and they I'll give you Monday and Tuesday off" in his thick Irish accent. To this I replied "Ok, but I need Thursday off too" (for Neale and my sister's graduation plus Peter's birthday, plus Ultimate, it's gonna be a good day). My boss then pointed at me and said "I'll give you Tursday". He says "Tursday" because of his accent, this is not one of the many typos and spelling errors in this newspost. Anyway, I though he'd give me Monday, Tuesday and Tursday off, or at very least two of those three days... So today's Sunday and I'm pretty tired of washing dishes all week but I look at the schedule and he's ONLY given me Thursday off! Ack! This means I have to mangle my hands and stand on my sore feet for another three days before I get a day off. JP not happy.

In addition to all this I've been trying to get Newspro to dance the jig and output what I want it to for the upcomming Tangmonkey Collaborative Serial Novel (TCSN). Newspro, as it turns out, cannot dance the jig, nor can it do what I want for the TCSN. Fuck. So now I'm looking for another solution, hopefully something will come up. One good thing that's come up in relation to the TCSN is that we've found an editor! Since most of us at TM have bigger, juicier, tastier fish to fry than the TCSN Jebus from the forum has agreed to edit it a bitch people out about getting thier submissions in on time. If you want to be bitched out by Jebus email me. You should also email me because I'm terribly lonely as my work hours preclude any socializing with my friends who mostly work cushy 9-5 gov't and IT jobs.

I appologize for the length of this post but it's the closest thing to human contact I've had for a while. Oh, except for Mike's birthday last night which I was able to attend at the Rum Shack accross the street from my work, I finally got in at 1am and pretty much just tried to numb the pain with as many drinks as I could afford so I'm not sure it really counts as human contact.

Oh yeah, be sure to download Pop-up Killer, with a bit of tweeking it'll rid you of those nasty Tangmail pop-ups as well as the ones they just installed on all the Keenspot Comics. I know those tiny wireless cameras look pretty cool but enough is enough, we've got to send a message to those ad-boys and show 'em who's boss.
 

June 24/2001 (10:59 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Slayer? Pantera? Hamilton, Ontario? I think so. See you crazy kids in a couple of days, or however long it takes for me to regain my vision after the inevitable multiple concussions. Read all about it, probably, in the next PULP, provided I survive.
 

June 23/2001 (6:49 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Well, last evening's Cranken-rock show was a rousing success. Thanks to all who attended, with an extra-special Cranken-thanks to Forum members India Pale Hippie and Hippie Pie, both of whom braved Scotty Daterape's sexual advances to see some of Crankenstein's famed brand of electric folk. Hopefully, they'll soon post some stuff on the forum about how much they obviously disliked the proceedings. From my spot on the sidelines as band publicist, it seemed that PULP's official soundtrack band put on one of their better shows yet, with a minimum of actual physical altercations with the audience. Look for their upcoming profile on the Tangmonkey Records page. For the curious, the next Cranken-concert will be held on Friday, June 17th at the Ottawa Bumper's pool hall.
 

June 22/2001 (12:58 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Just a quick reminder that tonight is the night of the big Crankenstein show, for all those in the Ottawa area. Gamely forgoing their usual headlining status, the band has elected to open for local Ottawa band the Cobras, in a show of support for the struggling indie scene. The show will be the on-stage debut of new lead singer Scotty Daterape, filling in for the late great Mr. Sculf*c, who passed away a few days ago after downing an entire bottle of Cepacol anti-bacterial mouthwash. Crankenstein will be hitting the stage around 9, and the show is taking place at Bumpers, on Bank St. near the Queensway. All are expected to attend.
 

June 22/2001 (12:23 AM) ~ posted by Sean
Hello and welcome, anew, my Tangmonkey friends.

I'm very tired. Waking up before 9am is simply inhuman, especially when you are forced to go out and see friends every evening, till at least midnight. And by "forced", I do mean forced. There are men who club me if I try to say "No, I don't much want to rent Girl Fight." What comes out is a mangled "N-Auugggh! ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow fuck okayfine yesI'llcomeyesstophurtingmeoww." The men with clubs load me into a car, and I'm on my way. What's more, they never neglect to set my alarm clock for the morning.

Oh, how I loathe them. The men with clubs are whol- Auugggh! ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow okayfineyeslinkshereyougo....

In other news...

JP has a new column done, but it's a long story... Also complete is the new Mumbles & Music article - this one analyzes fashion in the music biz, and goes on to review Ben Davis' debut solo album, The Hushed Patterns of Relief. Ooh-ah!

We are working to establish a monthly bunch-'a-reviews feature, with each album review running at 150-250 words. If you are interested in contributing every so often, email me. Absolutely all musical styles are appropriate, and staff writers will occasionally receive free CDs.

If you'd rather just play an incredibly addictive-yet-simple Flash game, however, check out Kick-Ups. Before you know it, you'll have lost an hour.

But at least you haven't lost your freedom, having suddenly been placed in a small room, naked, with no route to the outside world unless you are able to obtain $10 000 in prizes by applying to mail-order contests.

Ever wondered what it's like to be the most popular girl at school? I know I have. I also wondered what it would have been like if the Fathers of the American Constitution had participated in an online bulletin board (like our Forum).

Finally, some interesting Salon articles: A profile of the Lord of the Rings as book of the century; the 1920s supremacy of Jews in American basketball leagues; a man is banned from having sex; a kid tragically drowns at Tommy Lee's son's birthday party, and the USA's over-harsh drug sentencing laws frustrate even hard-line judges.
 

June 21/2001 (2:14 AM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, you can see my new column here.

You go read. You like. Many laughs.

It is late. Zebulon sleep deprived. Me sleep now.
 

June 20/2001 (11:53 PM) ~ posted by JP
Today is a shitty day and here's why:

• I just got off work and I'm tired as hell, for this reason and others (like procrastination) my column didn't get posted today and won't be up till sometime tomorrow. What can I say, these things happen.

Hi everyone.

We've had an eventful week at Tangmonkey Headquarters, from our long-anticipated and (astoundingly) long-lasting TangMeeting, to a public screening of Jesus Christ: Vampire Slayer attended by several TMG members, to the first airing of the soon-to-be-released, official Tangmonkey Numero Uno Remix (which is both startling and bouncy-flouncy!), to this evening's lovely picnic. Indeed, it has been an interesting time, and while I leave you all to muse on the aforementioned events, when you're done, listen up, and I'll say a little thing or two.

First of all, thank-you to our readers. Tangmonkey is approaching its first birthday (at least in this form), and we would not be here without you. Your contributions - both tangible and ephemeral - have been appreciated more than you can easily guess (unless your psychic), and we look forward to many more years of fun, frolicking, and baby-eating.

If you're interested in joining the Tangmonkey team, do email me. Our meeting brought up a load of new possibilities.

In a more specific "search for submissions", we'll soon be starting a monthly column that will feature several 150-250 word Album Reviews. If you're interested in briefly reviewing a record now or then, from any musical style, contact me. Who knows, you might even get some free CDs... (Seriously.)

In other news...

I recently stumbled across this site, and was awed. It ranks among the most rewarding discoveries that I have made on the Web, and I hope at least a couple of you share my reaction. Charlie Eckert is a photographer who travels the world with his friend, balloon artist Addi Somekh. In the most adverse of conditions, they work to share the humanity that resides in a burst of laughter, a touch of colour, a silly hat. Strictly speaking, Addi designs balloon hats and gives them to all sorts of people. Charlie takes photos. But the results are breathtaking. It is art of the highest form, both inspirational, easily accessible, and vested with meaning. Balloon-Hat-Folks, I applaud you. (Be sure to also check out A.G. Vermouth's diary of his time with the duo.)

When you're done there, take a gander at TangZine, a great 'zine with which we have more in common than the first part of our name. Stylish and interesting, Tangzine's features on music, movies, and invisible action figures are sure to delight. And there's that whole tang- thing, which we know you all love.

Finally, learn how to be an indie music fan, how to be a good actor, and the simple joy of making your computer say naughty words.

Let us careen into the heavens, drifting through clouds, squinting through the sunlight, and impaling birds, sending them whirling down from the sky, towards the valleys and summits, to have their bodies dashed on the rocks below. Ahh, to be a zeppelineer.

The opportunity to fly a private zeppelin is a rare thing - most people must be content to simply dream of it, wasting their time on petty accomplishments such as setting up $140 000 stereo systems, wearing duct-tape to the prom, and kick-boxing the Queen for the monarchy of Canada. Others, however, are lucky enough to find themselves bouncing through the air, in a wondrous machine that inhabits that area between the imaginations of Thomas Edison and Tim Burton.

Oh, to be able to fly. It would be a blissful experience almost on par with reading this week's View Askew article, written by the brilliant Zebulon.

In other news...

This week, the Oklahoma City Bomber, Timothy McVeigh, was put to death. For his fatal terrorist attack - which killed 168 people, including 19 children - Timothy received an anaesthetic, and then a lethal injection to the arm. He died shortly after.

And if you ask me, that's simply barbaric.

The Tangmonkey Forum has been hosting a heated discussion on the topic, with views (not surprisingly) running from one end of the spectrum to the other. MetaFilter, too, has provided a forum for a remarkably articulate discussion of the reasons for supporting, and attacking the death penalty. There are numerous arguments for either side.

My opinion is made up, however. The act of killing another human being is wrong, and regardless of the fact that McVeigh did so, to have done the same to him is lowering ourselves to his level and becoming killers ourselves. One cannot condemn murder when one is willing to inflict it. The simple truth of this incident is that 168 has now become 169.

This week's The Onion made a biting, satirical comment on the execution, and the arguments of its proponents. "Everything Better Now In Oklahoma City," reads the headline, "Timothy McVeigh's death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims' loved ones describing themselves as feeling '100 percent better.'" The death penalty is not a deterrent for future crimes. It does not prevent the killer's voice from being heard - in fact, it amplifies it. It does not bring closure. It does not bring back the dead. It is not less expensive than life imprisonment. Members of the American and Canadian public are not overwhelmingly supportive of it. And let's not even begin to talk about wrongful convictions.

Execution is a throw-back to the intolerant days of Dark Ages ignorance. The death penalty does not fix anything, it does not cause the murderer to rethink his actions (as fifty years in solitary confinement might), it does not undo the past ills he/she committed. Instead, the criminal becomes a martyr, given the opportunity to explode like fireworks in a publicity fanfare instead of dying alone and toothless, forgotten after half a lifetime locked up (see Charles Manson).

Agreed, I do not know anyone who was the victim of (particularly) violent crime. But even those who have been often share my view. Don't get me wrong - the idea of someone like McVeigh being released from prison after fifteen years is enraging. But there are powerful alternatives to killing that person (which I support), and pursuing such alternatives does not dilute the condemnation that our society wishes to place on worms such as Timothy McVeigh.

This week, in stark contrast to what McVeigh underwent, a different American jury ruled not to execute the Saudi Arabian man responsible for the bombing of a US Embassy, which killed 213 people. Jurors felt the death penalty would make the man "a martyr", and that his death would "not alleviate the suffering" of the victims' families. Some even felt that lethal injection was "too humane", and that a lifetime of sitting and contemplating one's sins was a far more terrible - and thus suitable - punishment.

Our society has a choice. We can either respond to murderers on their own level, letting vengeance and primal instincts guide us, or we can universally reject the death penalty, favouring alternatives that are not themselves acts of murder.

So many colours, so little time.

We at TANGMONKEY.COM revel in the delights of crayons, using them not simply to draw, but to create, innovate, and eat. Yes, crayons are a most remarkable invention, on par with the printing press and the Beatles, rivaled only by such simple pleasures as edible rice paper.

Pictured above and to the left are Blue, Cerulean, and Purple Heart - the top three crayon colours, respectively, as voted in the Crayola Color Census. Mike Myers, for instance, likes blue. And who can blame him? Blue's a pretty solid colour. Not too gaudy, not too dull. As for myself, though, I'm a Midnight Blue kind of guy. Or maybe Royal Purple. It's so hard to decide. Thank god for the Census.

In other poll news, Murray Lawnmowers recently blessed us with a press release outlining the results of the first-ever Murray Mowing Survey. 27.3% of American men would simply like to cut the White House lawn. That gardener's one envied fellow. On the other side of the gender line, 11.5% of American women would like to see Tom Cruise cutting their lawn. Not bad for Tom. What is inexcusable on the part of the women, however, is the low score for Sean Connery (most tangmonkey man on the Planet) - a paltry 2.4%! Shame on the ladies! Shame!

When you really get down to it, though, men and women have very visible differences. Men, for instance, really do care if a Little League kid pitches a perfect game. They really do envy those Guinness employees who were given free beer when they were fired. They wish they had had the brains to engineer an opportunity to play guitar with U2. They drool at the thought of Slapshot 2. (Yes, the rumours are true.)

Women, on the other hand, meditate on life, highlighting the beauty of its minutiae. They find the things that matter, and try to emphasize their importance. They couldn't care less if you've found a guide to hitting the big-time as a funk-rap-rock band. They giggle not at the raw processing power behind a CGI movie, but rather at the subtleties of its wit and magic.

Yes, men and women are indeed different - and not just in the touchy areas. Their brains work in different ways, to either one's disadvantage. To be perfectly honest, it's quite confusing. I don't know which one I'd rather be. Probably a woman. But don't tell anyone.

It's looking rainy out. The grey clouds hang heavy with water, waiting calmly for the time when they will drop everything at once, washing away the picnics and barbecues, letting everything drip and drop and dwindle in the haze of the storm.

I realized yesterday that neither JP, Gareth nor myself ever made an official comment vis a vis the Crankenstein show we attended. It had been my intention to mention it in my column this week, but I forgot...

So I might as well let you know that it was a rip-roaring good time, with rock and roll, during which Crank himself yelled at JP and I to "get off your fucking asses, you fuckin' hippies! I want to see you bleed!" Needless to say, we didn't budge an inch, instead allowing virtuoso guitarist Crabwebs to take our place beneath some punk's steel-toed boot. Sometimes, musically speaking, one needs a aural punch to the head, something to shake you to your senses, clear away the muddle and pretense. Crankenstein didn't do that. They just played really loud songs about killing "pigfuckers". But that didn't mean that it wasn't entertaining evening. I mean, the police even made an appearance. And that guitarist in the gas-mask was hot. I'll see you all there next time.

In other news...
The year's 2001, but what did they predict for us, fifty years ago? That we'd be able to clean the inside of our houses with hoses, first of all... also that electric suns hanging in the sky would light our cities... Mmm; they did get at least one thing right - we haven't cured cancer. Regardless of their success rate, however, this Popular Mechanics article from 1950 is a fun read.

Heard of eCrush? (Of course you have. Yeah. You.. Jerk.) Well, screw that manipulative infuriating nonsense. Now you can send anonymous hate email. Hooray!

Here's Conan O'Brien's speech from the 2000 Harvard commencement ceremony. Pretty funny, but it'd be better if there was one of those "celebrity love-child" segments. I guess he saved that for Yale.

From this site: "Our team has developed a new functionality for the Keyboard & Peripheral product line with a state of the art material. By using this low cost new functionality, we feel you could double your keyboard product line just by offering this as an option.  More specifically this functionality is a low cost way to produce illuminated keyboards, and mice." That's right. Glow-in-the-dark keyboards. The Apocalypse is nigh.

Finally, give Sneezingfish a read. Their design is hip, their content scrumptious. If only they updated more! [hint hint]