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April 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Eeyore Takes on Easter!    Ash Gets Spicy!    Crankenstein Returns!    PLUS: St. Irish Day!    And an honest to goodness REAL MOVIE REVIEW!
 
 
Amphetamines and Boris Karloff...together at last!
Ash

 
Born in the fetid slums of Ottawa's Little Italy, rock 'n' roll legends Crankenstein have spent the past two years taking the indie rock world by storm. Ever since the release of their millennial debut, Ain't No Party Like A Death Rock Party, these hip-hop-happening rockers have become regulars on the arena rock circuit, despite having no knowledge of music, instrumentation, or, depending on how much alcohol lead singer Mr. Sculf*c has consumed prior to their concerts, English. Their stupid name doesn't help either. On their current tour, opening for such hard rock luminaries as Black Sabbath, Venom, and Sky, Crankenstein have sold dozens of tickets and hundreds of copies of their new album, Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftangh!, regardless of the fact that it doesn't exist. When asked to describe their unique brand of horror-obsessed rock, Sculf*c likened it to a modern-day 'loud' band, noting also that many fans find their music to be very 'loud' as well. This difficulty in classifying their style can also be found in their legions of fan, in the form of enormously obese Crankenstein groupie 'G-Diddy'. "What?", she responded, when asked to define the tunes of her favourite band, mimicking the confusion many critics feel when trying to nail down exactly what kind of music Crankenstein plays. Some have called it 'loud', others find it more 'noisy', and still others choose to define it mostly as 'who?'. Ex-guitarist and occasional Crankenstein guest-star Mephisto Shrek summed up their music this way, "It's like this, see? You give me five dollars, and I'll answer your f****ing retard questions". But regardless of their musical genre, Crankenstein are guaranteed to rock and/or roll you, although smart money's on the latter, since they're poor and need your shoes.

    Members:

Mr. Sculf*c: Lead singer and head drunkard. In between rocking out with Crankenstein and working as a part time nuclear physicist at Algonquin College, Sculf*c takes a correspondence course in how to keep your goddamned pants on for more than 20 minutes at a time, you drunk. Responsible for managing the band, as well as writing much of their material, Sculf*c takes the group quite seriously, noting that he finds running the band very challenging, but also highly 'loud'.

R.I.P: A founding member and drummer for Crankenstein, R.I.P claims to be Sculf*c's brother, despite the fact that they don't have the same last name and also don't talk to each other. When asked how he developed his unique, wildly energetic drumming style, RIP replied 'epilepsy' before taking a moment to convulse and froth at the mouth. Ben Brutus: The latest in a long line of Crankenstein guitarists, Ben finds playing with the band very rewarding, despite finding the music 'highly annoying'. His motivation? "Sculf*c", he replied, while demonstrating on a plush Chucky doll how the singer got his moniker. "Pissing him off gets very uncomfortable."

Myke Mystery: The bassist for the band is a remarkably clean cut youth, in stark contrast to RIP's shaggy mane of hair and Sculf*c's lack of pants. Myke's response to this apparent incongruity is typically cryptic. "I'm not in any band," he claimed, "I don't even play bass. I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you? Get out of my way, I'm late for Economics." His mysterious attitude is not unusual for the band, who remain playfully elusive about everything from how they chose their name to where they got their instruments to why their bass amp looks suspiciously like the one stolen from my apartment last month.

Mephisto Shrek: This ex-guitarist is responsible for penning several of the band's signature tunes, including their smash #378 hit single "Dead By Dawn", which features Mephisto's trademark two-chord structure and lack of any discernable verse or chorus. Although he refused to comment for the article, his 'publicist', who looks suspiciously like a cardboard cut-out of Commander Will Riker from a Star Trek: Insurrection video store publicity kit, claimed via crudely drawn voice-bubble that Mephisto had "greatly enjoyed" his time in Crankenstein, and was "highly anticipating" being paid five dollars for an interview.





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