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C is for Cancer, That's Good Enough for Me.
6.18.2001 by Professor Particle

Linus Pauling must be rolling in his grave. Vitamin C, once championed as the best weapon against Free Radicals, (I've never heard of this band, but if they are anything like the New Radicals, we need to find an alternative fast!) is the new harbinger of carcinogenic death. The cancer carrier. The tangy toxin. The citrus slayer. The melanoma magnet.

Colleen Fitzpatrick is the culprit. She's better known as that loveable pop-star that brought you the chart-topping prom ditty "Graduation" under the name Vitamin C(ancer). It seemed harmless to some. I always knew that song was poison. She's been messing with her listeners' DNA for years, and nobody has been the wiser. The first clue was her latest appropriately-named hit single "I Change Lipid Hydroperoxides into Genotoxins, Baby!"

Many sceptics wonder how the musical and medical communities can flip-flop on such important issues as these. Alcohol was always considered bad for you. Later we were told that a glass of wine a day can prevent heart disease. But researchers have changed their mind again, and have come out with a study that shows that drinking wine merely leads to an increase in Frenchosity. Musical research once proved that Michael Jackson was a sane, black, non-child-molesting, little boy. Who knew?

Does this mean that neither is a rigorous science? Hell, no! They are merely tracking a phenomenon that is not very well publicised: Simple Karmic Oscillation. In layman's terms: things switch between being helpful and being harmful with a fixed frequency. As a public service, the people at Spurious Labs have released some surprising new results that will alter your perception about things that you took for granted.

Bananas have Potassium. Potassium bursts into flames when exposed to water. That's why you should wait an hour after you eat bananas if you intend to go swimming. KABOOM!

The Heimlich Manoeuvre has been linked to an increase in buggery.

Repeated listening to Ennio Morricone leads to the development of a cowboy fetish.

Getting kicked in the balls (or Testicontraction as it is known among the learned) promotes good table manners. Early studies claimed that it increased your likelihood of winning money on "America's Funniest Home Videos," but to this day, the results seem inconclusive.

Bear attacks lead to Parkinson's.

Julio Iglesius is a robot. Engineers hope to make him more lifelike by 2003.
Brain tumours provide an immunity to Pauly Shore. At the very least they provide an excuse as to why you are laughing rather than cringing.

Cherry pie is known to cause the following symptoms: making grown men cry, putting a smile on your face ten miles wide, bringing a tear to your eye. Such emotional distress is widespread among fans of Warrant who are the main victims of sweet cherry pi-i-ie abuse.

Suicide has proven to be an effective cure of minor forms of depression. Ask your doctor for a prescription.

Beta-kerotene gives you herpes.

Do not sit too close to Spandau Ballet. They have been know to cause deep skin abrasions and rectal bleeding.

Yes, smoking DOES make you cool and allow you to fit in. It seems obvious, but I predict a massive lawsuit by non-smokers who claimed they never knew.

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