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U.S. Navy Destroyer "New York News," circa 1945

I'm Sure You All Will Agree With Me That the Title of this 'View Askew' Column is Just Too Long
6.21.2001 by Zebulon

Today, I have a bit of a problem.

Well, I always have a problem. Just ask my family. Or my ex-friends. Or my ex-girlfriends. Or my parole officer. Or my psychiatrist. Or the local news anchors.

I have a problem because I have an urge. The urge to blow up the Clairol headquarters with a Sprint missile. Oh, I used to be a fairly average guy, but that’s before Herbal Essences launched their new ad assault.

I pity you if you’ve seen this abomination. It’s stupid, sexist, and obnoxious all in one. It takes place in a courtroom, with a female lawyer arguing a case. Suddenly, in the middle of her argument, she starts looking around the room with a vacant, doped-up look on her face and thinks, “I’ve got the urge…” Then, the San Francisco Gay Men’s Choir starts singing and four longshoremen burst into the courtroom, shove her into a chair, and give her a Herbal Essences shampoo right at the base of the judge’s bench, all while chanting, “She’s got the urge to herbal.” And after all that idiocy is over, Dr. Ruth, who was in the audience, turns to the camera and says, “I hope those boys stick around for the body wash.”

Pain. Pure pain.

This commercial is so stupid that it actually shorted out the brightness control on my TV. I actually prefer the old Herbal commercials where the women would just have orgasms while washing their hair. Talk about overselling.

Now that I have that off my chest, It's time for a quiz.

In order to better serve you, my reader, I have prepared this handy feedback questionnaire. For best results, please read the question BEFORE answering it.

1. When/where do you read my column?

a.) At home
b.) At work
c.) As soon as I can get my secretary to print them
d.) I can't read them- I'm blind.

2. Why do you read my column?

a.) Funny and informative
b.) Lost a bet
c.) Dave Barry is too cerebral
d.) It was given to me as a reward for figuring out in less than 16 attempts that the yellow button gave me the banana

3. Which of my columns is your favorite?

a.) Column One
b.) Potted Ferns Can't Use Keyboards
c.) How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Nostradamas
d.) In The Bargain Bin At The Job Market

4. Figures you'd choose that one. Okay, to how many friends have you recommended this column?

a.) 500
b.) 2038
c.) ran out of numbers
d.) have no friends- live alone in a cave

5. Which of these terms is funniest?

a.) Weasel
b.) Wankel Rotary Engine
c.) Abdominatrix
d.) Pulitzer Prize Winning Writer Zebulon

6. Just between you and me, which Tangmonkey personality do you think is goofiest?

a.) JP

7. You are at an intersection at four in the morning. The light is red, and there is no one visible for miles. Which is the capital of Peru?

a.) Bogota
b.) Montreal
c.) Lima
d.) Crankenstein

8. Is it okay to write a questionnaire that has only eight questions?

a.) Yes, since you're obviously doing it just for filler because you're too lazy to write a real column
b.) Yes, since I lost interest halfway through question 1 and went surfing for naughty pictures
c.) No, because it compromises your high literary standards
d.) It doesn't matter- I can't read

Well, that's it. I'm sure you're mentally exhausted now, so go get a drink or lay down with an ice pack on your head or something.

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