It's been a long time since I've written a full-length movie review, as is
made blatantly obvious by the above article. So, to warm-up for future
issues, I'm going to confine the rest of this month's reviews to
tag-line-length blurbs, in the hope of getting reprinted on a print ad or
something. Anyway, here are some of the Halloween-themed movies I've seen
recently over the last month or so.
Halloween: The original John Carpenter classic that started the whole
slasher thing in the 80s. Also known as Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp,
and Prom Nights 2 through 5.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: A fat guy in an apron and a dead skin mask. Add
some nubile young lasses, a paraplegic, some powertools, three cans of water
and stir. Now there's a good time.
Suspiria: Dario Argento has become of the most famous of the Italian horror
directors of the 70s and 80s, mostly because he's absolutely insane, and
schizophrenia looks artsy on screen. Suspiria is one of his more sensible
movies, but that's not saying a lot.
Day of the Dead: The perfect mix of gore and, well, more gore. A brilliant
piece of cinematic majesty, assuming you measure majesty in yards of
intestine.
Friday the 13th: The original Sean S. Cunningham classic that started the
whole slasher thing in the 80s. Also known as Halloween, Sleepaway Camp,
and Prom Nights 2 through 5.
Lost Souls: Winona Ryder takes on Satan and a hyperactive telephoto lens.
Satan in this case takes the form of Ben Chaplin, who played the dog in The
Truth About Cats and Dogs. If you're not familiar with him, think David
Schwimmer except slightly more British and proper. Needless to say, the
shivers abound.
The Watcher: Keanu Reeves as a serial killer. Yeah, that's about as
believable as Kato Kaelin as the antichrist. Plus, James Spader makes me
sexually uncomfortable, so nuts to this movie.
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