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November 2000

In this issue:    Introduction    News    Contest!     Blair Witch 2 Review     Spookshow 2000    PLUS: So You Wanna Be a Millionaire?, From the Grave and Halloween Hell.
 
 
From the grave...
Eeyore

 
Just when I think they've let me go ...[insert dramatic pause here] ...they pull me back in! I thought that PULP had been successfully destroyed in wee Ash's move to higher lernin [Oh papa Simpson you are so learn-ed! That's learned son]. I had finally laid to rest my tired fingers and the acerbic wit [one day I will look that word up] that is the hallmark of the 40 columns that I produced with great hardship and sacrifice for the demonic and smarmy editorial board of PULP.

But I'm quasi-pseudo- moderately accepting of the reality of being roped in once again, sharing my personal righteousness with the greater body of suckers that I sometimes call human beings ... and speaking of human beings I think now would be the best time to pay my last respects to one of my favourite actors of all time - Arnie Weenerschnitzel.

It is with great sadness that I must deliver the news of the passing of the terminator guy, the barbarian and Republican Presidential Wanna Be. I am not sure what was the exact time of his departure from the space time continuum but it has happened and nothing can make it unhappen . As Chief Wiggum said to McBain: "Magic ticket, my ass!"

Arnie was one of the great ones ... but the king is dead, long live the king! The Weenerschnitzel does live in some sort of aniamatronic simulacrum of artificial life. His corpse was gutted soon after brain function ceased, and an assembly of gears and diodes were inserted into the shell of the former great man so that millions could be entertained and millions could be made. The evidence has always been there but so few have been willing to look deeply and accept the fact that their idol was a dead man walking ...and talking (sort of).

FACT #1: Dead people do not speak often. Exhibit A: The total dialogue of all of Arnie's movies does not even add up to a grocery list. This could also be used as evidence that today's audience finds the use of words difficult to follow.

FACT #2: Dead people have no brain function. Exhibit A: "Come on, people!"

FACT #3: Dead people have bad hygiene. Exhibit A: Notice that Arnie's character never kisses or beds the leading lady! [Twins is one of the few exceptions, however a body double is the most likely explanation.

FACT #4: Being really olde, dumb, and/or dead are prerequisites for being members of the GOP.
Exhibit A: Arnie is a big time schmoozer of the Republican wanna-be-a governor crowd.

FACT #5: T1 and T2 have documented evidence in them of simulacrum's inner workings. Why would they lie?
Exhibit A: In T1 and T2 we are given a rare glimpse of the servomechanisms driving Arnie's transmission and other stuff.

Fact #6: Only a necrophiliac would marry a corpse.
Exhibit A: Arnie married an unDead Kennedy...need I say more.

But best of all, Arnie has left us hope that the grand ectoplasm of his soul will reincarnate with the flesh when he said:

"I'll be back!"





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