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November 2000

In this issue:    Introduction    News    Contest!     Blair Witch 2 Review     Spookshow 2000    PLUS: So You Wanna Be a Millionaire?, From the Grave and Halloween Hell.

 
Halloween Hell
Ash

 
So, Halloween has come and gone, and what do you have to show for it? A fistful of candy, a few cavities, perhaps a mild hangover, and that's it. Maybe if you're especially simple-minded, you have some vague memories of teaching some ignorant lout the true meaning of Halloween, which is some nonsense about Celtic spirituality and tree-hugging. Face it, kids, it's Satan's special day and you wasted it either getting candy or praying to some loser Wicca god like a refuge from a bad episode of Sabrina. And how did I spend my Halloween 2000, you ask, perhaps in a tone of wounded pride in your wannabe Druidic drawl? Dragging my friends through Hell and back, I answer smugly from my high horse. See, this Halloween I wanted to do something different aside from the usual couch-based film festival and desperate grab for power via a Satanic blood ritual. So this year, instead of making people come over and watch horribly offensive movies at my house, we decided to buck the trend a bit and go watch horribly offensive movies somewhere else. The somewhere else in this case ended up being a bar on Saint Catherine St. in downtown Montreal, which incidentally has more porn per square inch than the floor of my room, and that's a lot. I can't count the number of paper-cuts I've received from the various issues of Porntallica scattered around my room, but it's almost as many as the number of strip clubs on any given block . Unfortunately, the bar we were at was not a strip club, but it more than made up for it during the course of the evening. See, the all-night line-up of films was the best of the Fant-Asia horror festival that takes place every summer in Montreal. But the thing is, these are not the horror movies that you and your loser friends watch for a evening of Freddie Prinze Jr. and teen-speak. No no, these are the movies that the 30 year-old guys who live in cellars and masturbate to live operations on The Learning Channel watch, and you don't want to mess with that. Note that I say 'you', because without revealing any person information about myself, let me just say that The Learning Channel has a slew of fine programming for all ages. So anyway, somehow I managed to trick ten or so people into coming with me to the screenings, and once they were done crying at the end of the night, I'm sure they were all anxious to thank me. I wouldn't know, of course, because I had to rush home. Trauma: Life in the ER was on.

 
Ash's HALLOWEEN NIGHT LINE UP


 
Cutting Moments: Apparently, nothing cures a failing marriage like gardening shears and steel wool. This was the first film of the evening, and it managed to clear out about half the audience, even though it was only a half hour short. I'll never trim a hedge the same way again.

Santo Vs. the Vampire Women: The greatest masked Mexican wrestler of all time, apparently, was a fat guy in a cape who lives in a cardboard version of the Bat Cave and spends his spare time battling the forces of evil. I'll never watch Mexican wrestling the same way again.

Aftermath: Necrophilia and horribly graphic autopsies, together at last. I'll never sleep with another dead body the same way again.

The Convent: Greatest. Movie. Ever. Think Evil Dead in a nunnery. Plus, it's got Adrienne Barbeau, who went from the bathing beauty in Swamp Thing to one of the most mannish women on the silver screen. Quite gory, and absolutely hilarious.

Zombie: One of the greatest zombie movies of all time, in glorious Cinemascope. Plus it contains the greatest zombie battle ever, with a long-dead underwater undead-er taking on a ten-foot shark. Priceless.



Ash's 10 Steps to Making a Slasher Sequel
 
  1. Make the same movie as the original, except ten minutes longer.
  2. Repeat.
  3. Repeat.
  4. Repeat.
  5. Repeat.
  6. Repeat.
  7. Repeat.
  8. Repeat.
  9. Repeat.
  10. Repeat.




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