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Christmas 1999

In this issue:    Dogma   End of Days   Christmas Films   Ash's Christmas Picks   The Cat People   and   ASH2K.
 
An Introduction from Ash
Ash

 
Well, kids, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and by that of course I mean it's getting cold and I'm getting grumpy. Not a good combination, if you happen to be one of the few people who spend a lot of time around me. Christmas is my least favorite time of year, and I sure as hell let people know it, although I'm confident that this year is going to be different. After all, it's not every year that we are beset by the coming Apocalypse, threatening to engulf the world in a tide of consumerism, faux-holiday cheer, and truly god-awful Christmas jingles flooding the airwaves. But I think what disgusts me most about Christmas is the fact that everyone gets so caught up in gift-buying and Operation Red-Nose that they forget the true meaning of Christmas, namely celebrating the birth of the Santa Christ. As every good Sunday school graduate knows, Christmas marks the day that the Santa Christ popped out of the Virgin Mary's chimney and entered the world to bring us goodwill and cheer. Unfortunately, the evil Grinch, played by the inimitable Jim Carrey, caught wind of the Santa Christ's plan and crucified him atop a hill near Rome. However, like all good hero-stereotypes, Santa Christ didn't stay dead and rose from the grave to wreak his vengeance, which somehow entails him giving us all presents on Christmas Eve. Basically, all I'm trying to say is that this is our Christacular Christmas issue, devoted to all things jolly and merry, except of course for the parts that I write. And also for Eeyore's bits. I don't think he ever gets particularly jolly. Within these pulpy pages you'll find our favorite Christmas movies, a piece dealing with the coming Apocalypse, and plenty of good ol' fashion filler. One thing you won't find, however, are any millennial lists. Every single newspaper or magazine or newsletter on the face of the planet is busy running some sort of millennial-related material, but since I am among the apparent minority in the world who can actually count, I realize that the new millenium doesn't start 'till 2001, and refuse to take any part in this millenium hysteria. Now if anyone wants me, I'll be sitting by the chimney with a plate of cookies and a Bible, waiting for Jesus. Amen.

 




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