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Submit to pulp

Christmas 1999

In this issue:    Dogma   End of Days   Christmas Films   Ash's Christmas Picks   The Cat People   and   ASH2K.

So here it is, the last days of our measly, insignificant little lives. In precious weeks, all that we know will be at an end. Computers will crash, cities will fall, and Jesus will come and destroy the world, just like it says in the Bible. So I’ve been told, at least. I tried to actually read it for myself, but every time I pick up a copy all the windows in my house explode and blood comes out my ears, so I’ve given up on that idea. I for one welcome the coming Apocalypse. While it does mean that we will all be judged before God and I will no doubt be cast down into the abyss for my myriad sins, PULP being the least of them, at least they’ve got some good tunes down there, if my CD collection is any indication. Everyone scoffs at the idea that the world is about to end, but I’ve been paying close attention to the news lately and I’ve been noticing several signs of the coming Apocalypse, most notably the fact that the Backstreet Boys’ Millenium record is the number one album in Canada. If that’s not a sign of the Apocalypse, I don’t know what is. Perhaps you too have noticed some unnerving recent events that suggest that even if the world isn’t about to end, it certainly deserves to. Latin music, perhaps? We’ll see how loco your vida is when you’re impaled on a burning pitchfork in a lake of fire and brimstone. Pokemon, anyone? If that’s not unholy I don’t know what is. Capri pants? The devil’s work. Also, may I point out that any and all of you teens out there with cell-phones and/or pagers are going straight to Hell come New Years. It may not say anything Bell Mobility in the Bible, but I’ve made a few calls and pulled a few strings down south and you’re pretty much screwed. No offence, but you people are worse than cancer. I’m not kidding. No one is trying to page you while you’re at school, so quit flashing them all over the place. No one needs to call you when you’re in a movie theatre, so don’t even bother bringing them. Go away and take your stinking electronic status symbols with you. Judgement day can’t come fast enough, if you ask me.


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