Well it is the season to be merry cranky and jolly ornery. What else do you expect from Eeyore, the ‘my glass is half-empty’ guy? This holiday is a time of internal and external desperation. The rampant consumerism and shallow feel-goodness is awful enough, but these I could tolerate if the planet would rid itself of Christmas movies. I have compiled a list of three of the most popular and vile Christmas films of the century, but as my gift to Pulpheads everywhere, I bestow my all time favourite Christmas classic last.
A Wonderful Life: Jimmy ‘apple pie’ Stewart turns his life around after a hallucinatory experience. Interestingly enough, when people like Jim Morrison tried this, ‘The Establishment’ was not too supportive of his experiments. Also, Beavis and Butthead did a much better remake of this timeless classic - a must see for every lump of coal humanist on the planet.
Miracle on 42nd Street: Some wacko pretends to be ‘Santi-Claws’ [as our neighbours to the south say it]. A massive court case takes place and the suspect is found guilty of mail fraud. This movie could only be improved if Bruce Willis or Arnold the Quadruple Bypass Barbarian starred in it as the Elves for Good and/or Evil.
Scrooged: This movie has a lot of potential. Bill Murray is a well-balanced corporate executive who is experiencing the early stages of delirium tremens. Instead of just accepting his condition and adapting to it in a like manner that Jimmy Stewart did with the giant rabbit in Harvey, Meatballs’ character decides to abandon his rationalist work ethic and adapt a wishy-washy, flim-flam neo-socialist compassion. Sickening is not strong enough a word for Meatballs’ change of heart. My personal secret for watching this movie is to stop it just at the point where Meatballs’ tells a character to staple some antlers to mouse’s head. After this point in the film, the syrupy emotionalism is a giant swamp of perversion.
A Xmas Classic
To Live and Die in LA: This is the only film that Willem Defoe has excelled in. Poor Ricky [Willem] is trying to make a lot of money by making a lot of money. Enter nasty bridge bungee jumping Chance and his soon to be DOA partner [underneath his Secret Service suit is a red uniform]. Chance and DOA try to find enough evidence to convict Ricky, but they keep failing because they are two-dimensional good guys. Ricky’s character has so much depth that he is immune to all of the usual legal methods of evidence acquisition. Therefore, Chance and soon to be DOA-DOA have to resort to ILLEGAL techniques to trick Ricky into giving up his life of play dough manufacture. Needless to say Chance gets a new partner, but this partner is smart enough to see the colour of DOA’s underwear when he is found in the bottom of a dumpster. Unknown to red-green colour blind Chance, his new partner slips him a red pair of underwear and before you can say climax and denouement the movie is over with the new partner acting like a reincarnation of Ricky and Chance. The movie ends where it started caught in an endless feedback loop.
Enjoy your Christmas and see you Pulpheads in 1900.