August 2001

August 27/2001 (11:22 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Well, like the man said, the new PULP is out and about, and you can see it by clicking here, download it by clicking here, and bitch about it not being funny by clicking here. Speaking about bitching, there's been a resurgence of interest in the Ash hate club that I'd like to keep going, because I'm a combination of an egomaniac and a masochist, so I love to hear people complain about me. Keep it alive by clicking here.
 

August 27/2001 (2:26 AM) ~ posted by JP
Ok, I'm back from BC now and I've got some treats for you. Pulp: Issue 9 is out if a little late, my fault this time. If you want to get on the pulp distrobution list click here and fill out the form. In most cases you'll get the email issue the same day as it goes online but if I get lazy or shot or something you'll get it a bit quicker if you're on the list, plus you'll make Ash happy. Speaking of happy fellows, that zany Marc has come up with a new Evil Love Comic and it's just great, check it out.

In other news we're still selling t-shirts, get 'em while you can. For you ladies out there there's a slight possibility that we'll be getting some tank-tops in so keep checking back if you're in the market. If you're interested in any other tang-merchandise please email me and I'll see about availibility.
 

August 24/2001 (9:33 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Hello all.

As I said in the new Mumbles & Music column, "No I'm Not Dead." JP and Professor Particle are, however, or at least they might be. Both have still not returned from their vacations, so you'll have to continue sitting on your hands, waiting for the next episode of their columns. Sad day.

On the bright side, however, TANGMONKEY version 2.0 is speeding along towards us, and if all goes well, September will be a happy month indeed. Tons of new tangmonkeyness, all lookin' sweeter than ever. And we'll STILL be offering t-shirts you can buy! (But do so now! Not later! Now! Do, and any Ottawa order will be hand-delivered by a clown and a man in a tuxedo. Seriously!)

In other news...

I have a zillion and one links to share, so I'll have to try to not get over-excited. Let's start slow. Short List of Music is a super-cool music prize that will be debuting this year. Similar to my favourite pop music award in the world, UK's Mercury Prize (previous winners include Gomez, Badly Drawn Boy and Talvin Singh), the Short List prize uses a panel of industry experts (such as Steve Lillywhite and Beck) to choose what the best of the best is. Take a look!

Your worst fears about Microsoft are true. Can it be true that they're training children to be Bill Gates' brainchild? The Seattle Times reveals the conspiracy.

Here's a fascinating article on video games and the Making of Cool.

Dude!

Sure, you know what sells on Amazon. It's right up there on the Top Sellers page. But what about the books nobody buys?

Hate the World Bank? Me too! Mock them with style!

There are few things sadder than the death of the Queen Mother. Exagerated rumours of her death, for instance. Or an only semi-coherent plea from Chubby Checker to induct him into the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame.

In further music news, Pitchfork's got a dead-on review of Jimmy Eat World's disappointing new disc. Fortunately, you can still buy their masterwork.

This monkey is cute. These apocalyptic beasts are too. Don't like em? Shred 'em! Just don't shred us!

Finally, a woman near and dear to my heart has, unexpectedly, "gone indie". It's true. Natalie Imbruglia's new album is gonna sound more like Coldplay than Madonna.

Hooray!
 

August 18/2001 (8:25 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, the new View Askew is here, and only two days late this time! Let it never be said that I'm not prompt with my tardiness.

I'd also like to take the time to apologize for last week's column. The more I look at it, the less I like it. I also assume none of you out there cared for it much either, based on the complete and total lack of comments (Zebulon@tangmonkey.com)(I'm such a whore)I've received on it.
That'll teach me to write while drugged.
 

August 15/2001 (11:11 PM) ~ posted by Ash
As I prepare to unleash the new, painfully unfunny PULP on the unsuspecting public, allow me to first provide all you Cranken-kids with some hot new Cranken-news. I'd like to personally extend an invitation for every PULP fan in the Ottawa area to come out and celebrate the birthday of PULP-sponsored band Crankenstein's lead singer Scotty Daterape this Friday, August 17th at Bumpers Roadhouse in Ottawa. Doors are at 9, and Crankenstein will be putting on an excitingly unrehearsed show at one point during the evening, once Scotty sobers up enough to stand. Once your recover from that, come out to the Underground on Sunday, August 26th to celebrate the almost-birthday of drummer Anton Crowley, as well as the long-awaited departure of founding guitarist Mephisto Shreck. Then, come back to the Underground on September 8th for a Crankenstein reunion show, featuring a special guest ex-guitarist! Oooh, exciting.
 

August 12/2001 (4:09 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, after a prolonged illness in which I got reacquainted with the taste of my own bile, The new View Askew is up. It's another little literary experiment for me- Don't look for much humor here, though there is some. What can I say? I get moods.

You may find it here.

Comments on this, or any other of my articles will be greatly appreciated.
 

August 9/2001 (6:04 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Well, it's Thursday, and you know what that means: Time for Zebulon to give a lame-ass explanation for why there's no column today.

I feel like shit.

That being said, look for it on Saturday.

And by Saturday, of course, I meant Sunday afternoon. Late Sunday afternoon.
 

August 8/2001 (9:50 AM) ~ posted by JP
Brand-new Evil Love Comic today. Check it out.
 

August 8/2001 (12:46 AM) ~ posted by Ash
Suprise, surprise, PULP's late again. And where's that weekly column I promised you two weeks ago? Same place Kurt Russell's career went, the ninth ring of hell. So anyway, the new issue should be out in about two or three days, and it'll be pretty good, because we'll have a couple of new contributors. I'd be working on it right now if I wasn't surfing for cheerleader pornography, but I should be done in a few hours.
 

August 6/2001 (6:09 PM) ~ posted by Professor Particle
Cloning's such a hot topic right now that I figured I'd give it the glib treatment it deserves. It's so hot that I had to change the column around for late-breaking news from Italy. Damn, that's hot!

For those disillusioned with the Final Fantasy film debut,(and even those that weren't) check out 8-bit Theater. 8-bit be kickin' it old school, with an NES flava.

Lastly, I can't believe that Merriam-Webster got two people to read each word in the entire dictionary outloud. At least that's how it appears to me at first glance. Finally you can get your cheap thrills by hearing a strange man murmur fuck. Classy. Regail yourself with alternate pronunciations of shit: shit and shi-it. They employed a woman to say excrement. I guess they thought there were just some words too harsh for her sensitive mouth.

Sorry, folks. That's as higbrow as I get.

 

August 2/2001 (3:42 PM) ~ posted by Zebulon
Wow. It seems like everyone is posting today. And here I thought I was special.
Well, it's Thursday, and you know what that means. Time for delicious pie. It's also new View Askew time. Find it here.
Also, if you're not reading Pentasmal, then what the hell is wrong with you? It's one of the few comics that make me laugh out loud, and that's the highest praise I can give anything. Anything that's supposed to be funny, at any rate. If someone told John Travolta that "Battlefield Earth" made him laugh out loud, it would not be praise. It'd be funny as hell. I'd pay to see it.
Finally, can anyone tell me why I find Digimon so damned cool? Try to keep the insults creative.
 

August 2/2001 (2:28 PM) ~ posted by Sean
So, I too will soon be embarking on that most fated of destinations: the cottage. And while, unlike JP, I am not consumed with a transcendental Zen aura when considering that place, I am indeed looking forward to it. Rest assured, however, that I will not abandon TM. I need somewhere to rant about music and politics, since all of my friends despise me for it when I do so in public.

The new Mumbles & Murmurs is online early, as I'll be leaving tonight. The article reviews Hotshots II, which, contrary to popular belief, is not the sequel to Charlie Sheen's Hotshots movie, and is in fact the new album from Scotland's Beta Band. I'll be seeing the Beta Band with Radiohead tomorrow, so I thought I'd throw in my $0.02 beforehand, just in case they're regular readers.

In other news...

Anyone who has read my Forum posts or heck, even my news posts, is well acquainted with the respect I hold for Beavis and Butthead over there. Still, the website I got that pic from has some mighty kickin' celebrity distortions.

Speaking of distortions, it seems Nike was sick of being culturejammed, so it's now spoofing and vandalising its own billboards. Finally, solid proof of how freakin' evil the company is.

I probably shouldn't be calling Nike evil. They Rule reveals just how much the world is controlled by an elite few who might be perfectly willing to knock off a single disgruntled Humanities student. Creepy, outstandingly implemented Flash.

Anyway, while I'm at the cottage, lapping up purple ketchup, I'll be able to forget all this. I can soak in the sunshine, cuddle my monkey (not that kind of monkey, sicko), and, I suppose, start a weblog to document the adventures of the aforementioned monkey. Finally, I can wish I was cool enough to participate in PictoPlasma. siiigh.
 

August 2/2001 (2:13 AM) ~ posted by JP
I was just going post somthing short about Ftrain.com but it ballooned into this rant about stuff in general, hope you don't mind.

I was almost late for work today because I was reading Ftrain.com, a site by Paul Ford. Paul Ford is a self-professed “fat white guy who loves reading” and lives in NYC, he can write too and it’s his writing that makes up the meat of the site. The site is a collection of his works and projects and there’s just *so much* content you can really get lost in it. This site deserves your eyeballs, give it a chance and don’t be scared away by some of Paul’s literarity, a good place to start is the journal. Another recent piece I enjoyed is Phone Call.

I’ve been thinking lately that I spend too much time on the computer, locked in my room seemingly being social (via icq and email) and yet anti-social at the same time. Using a computer as much as I do can’t possibly be good for me. It’s not as if I’m even using my time on the computer wisely, reading Ftrain.com today was the first time in a long time that I thought I was getting something of real value from the net. Tangmonkey fills my time nicely and I love working on the site but recently I’ve been feeling these creative urges welling up inside me and I realise I have basically *no* creative outlets. Tangmonkey should be a creative outlet but it hasn’t been of late and I’ve been thinking of (re)learning flash or figuring out 3-d rendering or something along those lines but I think I need something more tangible than that. I think I need to get off my ass and *create* something. I think college will be good for in this respect, I’ll learn to create, there are a million electives I’d like to take at college and hopefully I’ll be able to drop the dinky computer class they’ve got me signed up for and take welding or photography or something cool like that instead.

I can’t wait to go to BC at the end of the summer, I’ll get some much needed exercise (though my arms are pretty much at their all-time high as far as musculature goes, I still have a nasty gut) and I’ll also get re-acquainted with my family and mother-nature. I’m also looking forward to the cottage bash this weekend, I should really be resting-up for it right now but I can’t sleep. I can’t wait to talk to all my friends of whom I’ve seen so little this summer and simply relax away from computers and the city. Working at a repetitive job you don’t care about really makes the time fly by. Woosh! There goes another month.

I should get one of those online-journal thingies, this has been fun. What I should actually do is get out of the house and talk to some human-beings, humans are good.

 

August 1/2001 (1:18 AM) ~ posted by JP
Congratulations to Ottawa for finally quitting that disgusting smoking habit! May your hair and breath smell sweet, your pocket book overflow with spending money and your babies be defect-free.

You can't smoke in Ottawa bars or restaurants anymore, woo! Check out this site for more info on that. Once you're done there dig this new column I just wrote, I don't think it makes any sense at all...

As Ottawa kicks one habit I begin another. Today I tried fire-breathing, after my success at fire-eating I figured it was the next logical step. Now for those of you who are stupid, I must remind you not to try this at home, only JP may breathe fire. Basically the procedure is that you take a torch, light it on fire, then grab a bottle of kerocene, put some in your mouth and "spit" it out onto the open flame. The result is a ball of fire about 5 feet long coming out of little 'ol me. No burns yet! I'll try to get/post some pictures if I can.