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Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun
8.6.2001 by Professor Particle

If you were to ask someone geek about The Clone Wars, they would probably spout out some crap about Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. But soon The Clone Wars won't just be the domain of science fiction anymore. I'm sure the world collectively smirked when whose happy Raelians formed the company called Clonaid (sounds like a group a famous musicians who've banded together to raise money by recording a song called "Send in the Clones") whose mission statement was to clone humans. Now it seems there is a more credible entry into the realm of human cloning. An Italian doctor, Severino Antinori, is planning on going ahead with human cloning as early as November. I'm sure that if the American Government and the Pope got their panties in a bunch over stem cell research, they're gonna LOOOOOVE this.

There are some legitimate concerns about cloning research. Obviously, the moral implications of this new research might be staggering, and should be pondered thoroughly. Just not by me. If you look back on history, it is my legal right as a scientist to not have to deal with ethics. I think it's in my contract somewhere. Some whiny scientists like to consider the negative impact that their research will have on others, or if the applications of certain areas of knowledge are blah-blah blah blah-blah-blah blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah blah. Everyone's gotta have a hobby.

Lighten up! You see the instances of Mother Nature's cloning efforts everyday: Twins. Whether they are seductively selling Doublemint gum, giving you tremendous bellylaughs on Full House ("I wan' some owsweam." How precious!), or belting out a soul-deepening ballad by supergroup Nelson, they aim to please. Think about potential benefits of cloning based on these past examples. Imagine the ease at which we could churn out a series of Parent Trap movies. We could create an army of Jaleel Whites and start the Urkel Channel. Think about Christina Aguilera singing a duet with herself. How about a choir of Christinas, perchance? The mind boggles.

The next time someone starts in on those boring cloning debate issues, just say, "Ah ah ah! Couldn't the world do with another Steve Gutenberg?" I know I could.

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