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Some time after January 2000

In this issue:    Steele Haze    Dracula    Ash Wednesday    The Year in Review    Fountain Society   and    Disturbing Music Videos.
 
A year of Movies
Ash

 
So, the year 1999 is finally behind us, leaving a slew of movies both bad and really really bad in its wake. But, surprisingly enough, this year yielded a few nuggets of gold buried deep within the steaming fecal matter that we so charmingly refer to as pop culture. In the interests of imparting upon you, the reader, a small portion of my infinite wisdom, as well as filling up as much space as possible, I have decided to provide a list of my best and worst flicks of the year of our lord nineteen-hundred and ninety-nine. Please read and peruse this list at your leisure, keeping in mind that I've pretty much forgotten anything that came out before October, make this list a little less than complete.  
 
PULP PICKS:  
 
1) Sleepy Hollow  
Tim Burton, Christina Ricci, and a whole bunch of headless people. What more could you ask for? How about everybody's favourite beefcake Casper Van Dien getting chopped in twain with a giant broadsword, something that should have happened long before he was allowed to unleash Tarzan and The Lost City on the world  
 
2) For Love of the Game  
I might be tempted to say that I love this movie, had I not lost my emotions in a tragic gardening accident several years ago, rendering me completely devoid of emotions except for the occasional pang of annoyance directed at humanity in general.  
 
3) The Matrix  
Black leather and a kung-fu Jesus. Throw in a couple dead cats and it's my idea of heaven.  
 
4) Bats  
A sharp, smart, and socially relevant script and Oscar-worthy performances by Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino combine to make this one of the best and most powerful films of 1999. Also it has giant bats.  
 
5) Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me  
Any movie with a character named Fat Bastard who likes to eat babies is alright with me. Profanity and infanticide, together at last.  
 
PULP PANS:  
 
1) Drive Me Crazy  
Just as the title promised, this movie drove me temporarily insane. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but there was a blender and a shovel involved, and nobody has seen my little brother Pepe since.  
 
2) Any Given Sunday  
Oliver Stone has done so many drugs even his movies have flashbacks. It's like watching home-videos from the Haight-Ashbury district.  
 
3) Supernova  
I haven't actually seen this movie, but I'm fairly confident that it stinks. Plus, I seem to recall that it has James Spader in it, always a recipe for disaster.  
 
4) Wild Wild West  
Someone should remind Kevin Klien that he's not funny, and inform Salma Hayek that she can't speak English. It would save us a lot of grief in the future.  
 
5) End of Days  
Speaking of unintelligible imbeciles, Ahnold's new movie is quite the stinker as well, but what do you expect from a movie starring 250 pounds of walking brain damage.  

 




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