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January 2000

In this issue:    Welcome Back   Musings on the 20th Century   A new cartoon   What is the Matrix?   Spam Sale   Relativity: Part 2   and   Captain Blood.
Welcome Back

WE'RE BACK!!! That's right! ASH has finally slept off the sauce and PULP is back in action, albeit a lazy and slighty surlier version. But at least we're trying. Sort of.  
Well kids, Y2K has come and gone, and we're all none the worse for wear. Actually, that's not entirely true. My friend Alex is convinced that it's the year 1900 and refuses to go anywhere without his top-hat and cane, while I myself have been so disillusioned with Jesus' decision to skip the Second Coming that I've abondoned Christianity and turned instead to a pastiche of freak religions like Scientology, Wicca, and Protestantism. While I'll admit that I was kind of looking forward to the end of time, now that it's become apparent that the Apocalypse isn't going to bring the world down in fire anytime soon I've decided to shape up and turn over a new leaf, what with it being time for New Year's resolutions and all. Yes sir, this issue marks the beginning of a brand new Ash, an Ash version 2.0, if you will. No more will I reduce myself to tasteless bathroom humour and cheap jokes about killing cats. No more will I do my best to insult as many members of my peer group as humanly possible without actually getting my teeth kicked in by an ornery reader. And no more will I try my damndest to jam at least one reference to the female mammary glands into each and every issue of PULP. That's right, I'm a changed man, in that I have in fact changed my clothes in celebration of the new year. I for one am looking forward to the new me. I can already feel that warm fuzzy feeling overtaking me as I imagine how cool and popular I'm going to be, kinda like that warm glow that envelopes you after drowning a bag of kittens. I'm so happy that I feel like reaching out and touching each and every one of you kind, except of course for all you folks with cell-phones and pagers, because I wouldn't want to catch a case of trendicitis and be forced to shop at the Gap and watch Beverly Hills 90210 every Wednesday night. Yeah, I'm overflowing with love, and I just can't wait to share it with all of you good people out there, making everyone happy by being the breast Ash I can be. I hope you enjoy our first issue on the year 2000, chock full of movie news, filler, and just plain ol' wholesome, non-offensive fun. Check out our new cartoon, or perhaps enter our always challenging trivia contest, which features a whopping $6 in prizes. Or just use us to wipe up the mess the dog made. What do I care. Just so long as you stay out of my way. Loser.


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