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January 2000

In this issue:    Welcome Back   Musings on the 20th Century   A new cartoon   What is the Matrix?   Spam Sale   Relativity: Part 2   and   Captain Blood.
CULT PICK: Captain Blood*** (but only because it's about pirates)

Well, I must say that Captain Blood was a disappointment overall. I rented it because of the title and to satisfy my secret pirate fetish. Although there is some swashbuckling, there was not nearly enough swashbuckling for my taste or for any of my friends', and not one parrot or pegleg. And there is something disappointing about the fact that the title character doesn't become a pirate until about halfway through the movie. But anyhow, on with the plot, mateys:  
Captain Blood starts out as Dr. Peter Blood, who is arrested for treating an anti-monarchy rebel. After Blood talks back to the judge, the latter decides not to kill the group of convicts, but to send them to Jamaica as slaves. On the docks in Port Royal, Blood is spotted by horny skank the lovely Olivia De Havilland, who is curiously always wearing a low-cut dress, but not low-cut enough. Being attracted by his bad-boy attitude and permanent, arrogant grin, she buys him for 10 pounds. This proves to be a waste, because when the Spanish invade, Blood takes off with their ship and his fellow slaves as crew. As the titles inform us: AAND THUS CAPTAIN BLOOD BEGAN HIS CAREER OF PIRACY; WITH A SHIP, A HANDFUL OF MEN, AND A BRAIN@. Much swashbuckling ensues. In the end, Blood and his crew become heroes, and he gets the girl. Big surprise.  
Blood himself is played by Errol Flynn, who is always grinning for some reason and speaks in a bizarre 17th century way, calling his nurse Amy vinegary virgin@, and using pickup lines like AHow was I to know that a devil could have an angel for a niece?@ Somewhere along the line we're informed that he's Irish, even though he lives in England and doesn't have even a trace of an Irish accent. A female friend watching the movie commented AProtagonist is not good looking.@ However, some confusion arose later when she mumbled AMmm... He's wet@ à la Homer Simpson. I dunno, personally I think he's dead sexy...  
Olivia De Havilland does a pretty good job of being desperately horny as the woman, sighing and staring longingly whenever she sees Blood. The problem is, this movie having been made in 1935, you don't get to see her naked. The battle scenes are pretty cool, mostly because of the high tech special effects that employ Kinder Egg toys and firecrackers to put you right in the middle of the action. And there are some pretty cool swordfights, like when he kills stereotypical greasy frenchman Captain Levasseur who says stuff like Aho,ho, I accept, Cap-i-tain Blood@  
So, all in all, Captain Blood suffers from a serious lack of swashbuckling that would condemn it to life in the ship's hold if it didn't have such a cool final battle scene. Rent it if you don't mind a movie that doesn't start until halfway through.  

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