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Submit to pulp

January 2000

In this issue:    Welcome Back   Musings on the 20th Century   A new cartoon   What is the Matrix?   Spam Sale   Relativity: Part 2   and   Captain Blood.
Relativity: Part 2

Before I jump right into my usual pool of sass and hormones, I would like to thank all my faithful readers who approached me to express their devastating sense of loss when they opened their last issue of pulp only to find it devoid of Buffy. To all of you, I say ATalk to that $%?*ing Ash character, the guy who has chosen to STOP TELLING ME ABOUT DEADLINES.@ (Ed's Note: That's because she stopped listening) I know it is not the polite way to answer my adoring public, but I would like to get a point across. Now I'm finished with the sass. Pass the hormones.  
Before everyone gets their panties in a knot, let me clarify that title. By the first Buffy, I mean the movie girl, and by the second I mean the T.V. chick  
Here we go....Movie Buffy was played by the talented Kristy Swanson, who later went on to, um, Aestablish@ herself in such choice picks as AThe Chase@, in which she stars along-side Charlie Sheen in a classic tale of making whoopee in a speeding car while hundreds of police are chasing you down, and one of you is DRIVING THE VEHICLE DURING THE ACT. Its original working title was AMission: Impossible@, but then there was a nasty copyright war...but I digress, as MacGregor would say. Although Swanson held the title role in ABuffy@, let us not forget about the little people who also contributed to the cinematic masterpiece, namely Ben Affleck. Yes, dear teeny-boppers, your White Knight really does have a role where he's not even listed in the credits. He is a player on the opposing team who, when a vampire growls in his face, hands him the ball and says AHere, man, take it.@ Ah, sheer poetry. O.K., next we move on to David Arquette, from the Hollywood clan we can't seem to keep from multiplying ( in the last stats report the Arquettes accounted for roughly 6% of the Hollywood population). The Ben-David connection comes from the ABuffy@ movie, `cause they were both in it C I realise the connection is lame but...shut up. David brings us to Courtney Cox of everyone-will-bang- everyone-eventually -on-this-show AFriends@ fame. Why does David lead us to Courtney? Because they're married, Muffin Head (I'm not really supposed to insult the reader, but it's late at night, and I'm eating a muffin. It's the best I could do). Courtney, of course, shares the screen with Mathew Perry of everyone-will-bang...wait, I think I already did that part. Mathew leads us to Neve Campbell, although I think we all agree that no one wants to remember why. You do? What's wrong with you? O.K. fine. It has to do with the tango. That's all I'm giving you. Neve leads us to Scott Wolf of yummy dimples and nice butt fame.... I mean Party of Five fame. Scott leads us to one of his co-stars in AGo@, Katie Holmes, who then leads us to Joshua Jackson (they're on Dawson River together, plus they used to date), and Joshua leads us, by route of his stint in ACruel Intentions@, to.....Sarah Michelle Geller, the Buffy du jour, and from whom I take my name. And that's all folks. At this point (1:10 a.m.) I hate all of you, and never want to write for PULP ever, ever, ever again. So until next time, this is Buffy saying: ABed, warm, sleep…"


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