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February 2001
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
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I don't know if anybody else has noticed, but music sucks today. And it's
not just the bands themselves, although I do agree that each and every band
on the Billboard top 100 should be gassed to death as quickly as possible
(painlessly, for I am not unreasonable). It's every part of the industry
that sucks, especially the bizarre creature that is the music video. How a
record company can justify spending the gross national product of a small
Caribbean nation on three minutes of vibrating asses and epileptic editing
is beyond me. I realize that it's not a black and white decision, such as
either feed Africa or finance the new Backstreet Boys celebration of gay
culture, but aren't there better things to be investing millions of dollars
in, like prime-time soaps and movies about folksy down-home black guy
helping a fallen-yet-hunky golfer regain his swing? And why is it exactly
that every single music video produced in the last year has to contain a ten
to twenty second intro featuring the band's last single playing on a
radio/TV/Walkman? Is it some variety of new regulation, or is the target
audience just so stupid they need an audio cue to recognize the band because
the letters on the screen introducing the video get dizzying sometimes? I
write this, of course, after having sat through an hour of Much Music's
Combat Zone, the show where they pit two Christina Aguillera videos against
each other and see which one provokes more attempted rapes. Although I do
enjoy the show, as I use it as a gauge to measure exactly how close to the
Apocalypse we really are, I do wish they had a way to spoil your ballot in
the polls they conduct for best video, like perhaps voting for host Rick
Campinelli or faxing in pages and pages of expletives. In this particular
episode, the teen trash in question was the new Britney Spears 'Stronger'
video versus the latest pile of filth vomited up by Limp Bizkit's gangsta
rapping lead singer Fred Durst. While I despise both 'bands', I rather
enjoyed this episode, mostly because I spent the hour picturing what would
happen if it were a real combat situation pitting the two groups against
each other in a battle to the finish. I'm not saying I'd approve of what a
gang of beered-up fratboys would do to a seventeen year-old trollop, but I'd
certainly pay to see it. The hour was topped off by an interview with those
purveyors of pop genius, the Backstreet Boys, in which Howie "the really,
really ugly one" D claimed that he hoped the band had some 'long-term
gevity'. The fact that no one seemed to care or notice that he's a raging
simpleton confirmed my suspicions that yes, the end is coming soon. And I
for one can't wait.
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