Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

February 2001

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In this issue:    Ash reviews EVIL GIFT 4!    Batturtle loves to hate BATTLESTAR EARTHSHIP TROOPERS GALACTICA!    SURVIVOR brings the world to an untimely END!    PLUS: Eeyore breaks his TV!    And actual feedback from some real READERS!    ALSO: the CULT PICK returns!
Survivor = Satan

So, Superbowl Sunday has come and gone, and you know what that means. Yes, it's crime wave time again, as football players and their delinquent fans rush headlong into the off-season. But I'll bet you didn't spend your Sunday evening bolting the doors and testing the burglar alarms like you should have. No, I'll lay down dollars to donuts you spent your twilight hours selling your souls and worshipping the Anti-Christ, in the form of the ungodly Survivor II, just like everybody else. Yes, the latest in the slew of trashy Reality TV programs designed to melt your brain faster than drinking bong water has finally hit the airwaves, and the coming of the Great Slayer can't be too far behind. Now, genocide is a strong word, but if there's one group of people who deserve to be wiped off the face of the planet, it's Survivor fans. Granted, this would rid the human race of its entire female population (as well as a certain percentage of the males, if you catch my drift), but the extinction of the species is a small price to pay to get this crap off TV. What's wrong with you people? You'll bitch about using rabbits to test shampoo but you'll let Temptation Island get on the air? The people on that show don't deserve to live, let alone be on TV for millions to adore. As for Survivor, I'd rather watch an entire year's worth of CBC programming than sit through one episode of that crap. Why do I hate Reality TV so much, you ask? Two words: No Zombies. I'm being completely serious. I'm all for voyeurism, as the trio of female arts students who live above me will no doubt confirm, but it's got to be interesting. I don't watch TV to see a 90 year old navy seal flapping his dentures at a female truck driver so dimwitted she thinks "wherever he's at" is a sentence. I watch TV to see dead people eating naked ladies. Needless to say, I watch a lot of late night Space. Real life is just plain boring, and I'd rather not waste my time watching TV to see someone being inconsequential and uninteresting when there's a perfectly good mirror in the house. If the contestants were allowed, or better yet required, to kill and eat anyone they vote off the show, or if the island was infested with Peter Cushing and several dozen cryogenically frozen Nazi zombies, that would be a different story, but as it stands, I think I'll pass. Make no mistake, I'm not making any value judgements about the decline of Western society being heralded by Reality TV. I'll be tuning in as fast as the next guy once they start televising Texas executions (Thursdays on Fox), but it's all this boring crap in between the fad's genesis with Blair Witch to its inevitable Rollerball-esque conclusion that I can't stand. It's trash, pure and simple, devoid of interest or intelligence, pandering to the lowest common denominator. Now if you'll excuse me, Dark Angel is on, and you know how I get if I miss my stories.

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