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Submit to pulp

February 2001

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In this issue:    Ash reviews EVIL GIFT 4!    Batturtle loves to hate BATTLESTAR EARTHSHIP TROOPERS GALACTICA!    SURVIVOR brings the world to an untimely END!    PLUS: Eeyore breaks his TV!    And actual feedback from some real READERS!    ALSO: the CULT PICK returns!
Battlefield Earth -***** [negative 5 stars]

Well, what can I say about Battlefield Earth that hasn't already been said? I know that every single person who's seen it said it was the worst thing ever put up on the ole' silver screen. But, well, I usually have quite an affinity for the bad movie genre. If your movie has a giant (fill in the blank) rampaging through a city or involves people rising from the dead to eat other people...well, that's a movie that I'll gladly waste a few moments of my life watching. But, even I, the bad movie connoisseur, was not prepared for the newly achieved Schumacerian 7th level of hell badness reached by this "film". Battlefield Earth makes viewing Coyote Ugly on a black & white wristwatch TV seem like an evening watching Evil Dead 4 in a room filled with fashion models on a secret NASA space theatre orbiting Mars. John Travolta (Welcome Back Kotter, Look Who's Talking Now) went to Warner Bros. (who have produced other genius blockbusters like The Postman and Batman & Robin) & said "Hey, can I have $75 million dollars to produce a movie based on a book written by the guy who inspired the cult that me 'n Tom Cruise & the woman who does the voice for Bart Simpson are in?" And Warner Bros. (who, to reiterate, thought that both The Postman AND Batman & Robin were great ideas) said, "Sure, here's the cash, you kids go have fun". So everybody hopped on a bus to Montreal (or something like that...I'm not sure of the exact details) & proceeded to make one of the worst things ever (yes, even worse than the McRib).

Travolta plays a big Klingon guy on stilts who thinks that acting like a villain from the old Adam West Batman show = scary. He & his buddies invaded the earth to mine for gold or some such thing...I dunno, don't ask me why. If there ever was a movie that proves that most actors should stand on their marks, read their pre-determined lines & shut-up with all the "opinions" & "ideas" this is it, bucko. Actors are movable props. I'm not saying that they're untalented, but most certainly don't have brains! If they had brains do you think that an Oscar winner like Geena Davis would think "yes...yes, a sitcom would be a great career move". I don't think so. Anyhow, playing the hero is a young Canadian actor by the name of Barry Pepper (which sounds like a witness relocation pseudonym if I've ever heard one). I figure that after doing good movies like Saving Private Ryan, Green Mile & Enemy of the State (in which he not only acted alongside Bagger Vance, but Jamie (Scream) Kennedy & Seth (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Green) Barry thought it was time to balance things out with (allow me to re-state my humble opinion)one of the most atrocious movies ever produced. He plays a caveman who learns to fly a plane & blows up the bad-guys' planet. I can't ACTUALLY remember any real specifics to criticize or whine & complain about. I think I blocked it out the way someone with a troubled past blocks out their childhood. All I can remember is lots of bad FX & overacting. And bad editing. Really, really, really, bad editing. Really bad.

And along those well versed opinions, what I do remember ain't particularly sparky . So don't watch it. Especially don't watch the behind the scenes DVD stuff where a bunch of chumps & saps wax poetic as if they've actually produced a memorable piece of movie magic. Learn from the mistakes of those that've walked before you. This is not a fun B-grade sci-fi flick! You & your friends will not sit around & make fun of it Mystery Science Theatre style! This will hurt you! Remember how you felt at that funeral you went to? Well that's nothing compared to the mental hangover Battlefield Earth will give you. Remember that time that you got that paper-cut on your eyeball & then someone threw lemon juice in your face & then you got attacked by that rabid bear? Remember!?! Well that little bruise is nothing compared to the emergency ward you'll be rushed to after watching this thing. You have been warned.

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