Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

February 2001

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In this issue:    Ash reviews EVIL GIFT 4!    Batturtle loves to hate BATTLESTAR EARTHSHIP TROOPERS GALACTICA!    SURVIVOR brings the world to an untimely END!    PLUS: Eeyore breaks his TV!    And actual feedback from some real READERS!    ALSO: the CULT PICK returns!
There is something foul in the state of Holywood...

Well, a lot of strange stuff can happen when your TV decides to commit suicide. Some people would probably hop into the family bimbo box and skedaddle down to the nearest electronic schlock-block store. [Please note: Attention all corporate assassins for the very big car transnationals; please do not misconstrue this diatribe as a slight against the seething cesspool of an urban sprawl that your industry has created. There just can't be enough road or parking lots in the world. Please redirect your attacks toward one former Canadian by the name of Joni Mitchell. She has been creating subversive antiprogress melodies that...scratch that. Her music is so bad it probably would turn someone into a tree cutting, gas guzzling, door to door telemarketing veal salesman. Hey, someone has turned up the ventilation in this room. The air is ducting into my usually high temperature, low oxygen, ultra-stuffy room. Damn it - some parts of my brain are back to working again. I must do something to kill these brain cells ASAP otherwise I will tarnish the fine apolitical edge that makes PULP the premiere bit-rag of the Netiverse. Yeech...I can't believe I just wrote like that. Ah, here's the rub...a birthday candle nose injection...there we...ahhh...nice an deep into the frontal lobes...] So, my TV was doing okay, but then as I sat watching Pulp Fiction, during the scene where the guy from Thirtysomething is trying to resuscitate Uma Thurman with a big honker of a syringe...kapow. The whole screen turns red as if Vinny Barbarino and Uma and some Arquette-person have suddenly decided to develop pictures. Being raised in the Western Science tradition, I ran over to the TV screaming and cussing about its relationship to its mother, deity, and excrement. Obviously, scaring inanimate objects has a limited success record for repair, so I moved rapidly into mode two and sucker punched the critter when it was looking at the former sweat-hog and Uma talking in front of her fancy house.

Nothing happened.

Then I slapped the mutant repeatedly while screaming at it...and toink! The colours go back to normal but the picture shrinks by one third. Everyone had giant heads and tiny legs. Fortunately, I do not suffer from Ash's paranoia regarding midgets, so I got a bizarre pleasure from seeing all of the beautiful people reduced to misshapen freaks. But my plight did not end there, for the picture shrank and shrank and then went back to imitating a red light bulb. I was TV-less in Gaza.

No one in my family was interested in buying a new TV set. After a week of desperation I was finally delivered a state of the art fresh-from-the-trash colour TV circa 1973. It works well enough except for the shadow of my skeleton that has appeared on the wall behind me and the electron diffraction pattern on the screen, but at least it has colour. Has anyone yet done a study to show the net positive benefit of cathode rays?

Anyhow, with my TV replaced I can now I bring you a quality review. The movie was called BAIT. It had people doing stuff in it. Talking and shooting. People around me were laughing now and then so I know it was funny. It was like Enemy of the State, but without Gene Hackman or that guy from MIB...actually it was the same film, except in this version Gene Hackman's character pretended to be John Malkovich on a bad hair day.

The part I didn't get was why the bad guy didn't just hack into the US treasury and make their computers transfer a billion dollars into his Swiss-Cayman bank accounts. I guess the movie was called Bait because it smelled like one-week-old fish heads.

Does anyone have a hammer? My brain hurts!

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