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February 2001
Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
Teenage Rebellion Goes Pop
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Ash
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Everybody I know makes me sick. Have I made that clear lately? It makes for
a rather empty social calendar when you hate your entire generation, but you
people make it so hard for me to like you. And do you know why? It's this
useless rebellion waged against the parents of the world by everybody under
30. Wake up, people, your parents are right, and you're just wasting your
time raging against them. Notice I say 'your' parents, because my parents
are crazy and far from being right. If I'd listened to them, I'd be wasting
the prime years of my life in some fancy University learning a useless skill
like computer programming or engineering instead of picking up the finer
points of porn film aesthetics from the snarky video store clerk at
Movieland. But your parents probably don't give you much to rebel against.
And yet the trend of bucking the trend continues, and the worst part is the
sheer, mind-blowing unoriginality of it. You're not doing anything your dad
didn't do when he was 20, namely dressing like an idiot and getting so
stoned that listening to Pink Floyd seems like a good idea. It's pathetic.
You wanna do something original? Rebel against your friends. Trust me, it's
fun. Sure, pretty soon you won't have any friends to rebel against, but at
least you'll have your principals, which you can list off proudly in your
suicide note. My personal method of separating myself from my peers is my
militant straightedge beliefs. For those of you don't know, straightedge is
a philosophy originated by the dude from Minor Threat, which hinges on
sobriety and the rejection of promiscuous sex. Insert groan from every
university student reading this. For someone like me, the latter tenet does
not really apply, since the opportunity for promiscuous sex doesn't often
present itself when you look like what would happen if Winona Ryder played
Morticia in The Addams Family, but the sobriety part is the real challenge,
what with me being an arts student and all. But it's all worth it to be able
to sit quietly on the couch at parties and point out that in no way is That
70's Show a metaphor for life. At least it was when back I still got invited
to parties. Anyway, if straightedge isn't your thing, there are some other
things you can try to separate yourself from the pack. Try protesting
against independent film. Stay away from bars, because you'll never meet
anyone there worth knowing. Girls, don't get tattoos on the small of the
back or the shoulder blade, and take out that damn bellybutton ring. Guys,
burn your skateboards, and loose the jewelry. I don't care if it's solid
gold and has an Ebonics version of your name engraved on it, it's fruity.
Don't listen to the Backstreet Boys, but don't listen to limp-wristed
alterna-posers like Korn, Tori Amos, or anything with the word 'Beatz'
written on it anywhere, no matter what the genre. Get used to the fact that
raves are just discos with worse music and move on with your life. Admit
that you liked Star Wars: Episode One. Realize that hip-hop is not a mindset
or an attitude, but in fact an evil global conspiracy designed to lower IQ
points so drastically white suburbia will forget how many copies of The
Marshall Mathers LP they own and just keep buying them 'till they run out of
money. Vote Alliance and brag about it. Club a baby seal to death, then
refuse to eat it because it hasn't been given growth hormones. Keep trying
to recycle your compost until they no longer stop the truck at your house.
Point out to anybody that will listen that even though marijuana abuse may
not be as big of a social problem as heroin or cocaine, it still comes from
the same biker. Start every conversation with "I'm not saying Hitler had the
right idea, but...". Realize the government is not out to get you, and
remind your friends of the same thing as you telephone the police to report
the ounce of weed they just bought. Volunteer at Operation Red Nose just to
roll the drunks. Ask vegan people repeatedly how they feel about abortions.
Stop pretending you don't watch Dawson's Creek. There, that's just a small
idea of all the fun you can have rebelling against your peers. And once
you're done alienating all your closet friends, feel free to email me. I'm
very lonely, and I've run out of people to piss off. Please help.
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