By rights this should have been a Christmas issue, but as should be
fairly
obvious to regular readers, I haven't quite hit my stride yet. Tackling a
theme-issue so early in PULP's rebirth would be a difficult undertaking that
would threaten to dislodge my rather tenuous grip on sanity, and while that
may have a positive effect on my sense of humor, it wouldn't be so hot for
my grammar and syntax, not to mention the fact that whatever miniscule
amount of inhibition and sensitivity I have would be immediately eradicated,
leading to pages and pages of rants blaming rising gas prices on 13 year old
Inuit kids wasting resources. As much as the idea of being a right-wing
lunatic appeals to the little Satan hovering over my left shoulder, the
little Satan over my right shoulder doesn't really like the idea of being
firebombed, so I think I'll refrain for the time being. Now that I've
managed to put you all in the Christmas spirit of discrimination, hatred and
prejudice, allow me to introduce my yearly list of Christmas video picks. If
you're like me, and I hope for the sake of your family and the neighborhood
pets that you're not, you like to spend the holidays curled up in a ball of
misery, trying desperately to sleep thorough till February without having to
spread any holiday cheer, which does not do wonders for your self-esteem or
social life. So, in the interests of saving you all from the misery of the
holiday season, I've decided to do my damndest to raise your flagging
spirits. And of course, nothing raises spirits like Christmas movies!
Unless, you know, you're Jewish or something, but who am I to leave you out
just because you're a heathen and don't worship the great Santa-God like the
rest of us. Anyway, here's a list of my favourite holiday movies, designed
throw a little cheer your way and help you shake off the holiday blues.
1. Home Alone: Nothing makes me want to get out of bed and grab a firearm
more than Macauly Culkin movies, and this is his crowning achievement in
terms of pure, unadulterated irritation. Remember, even a murderous rampage
is better than lying in bed all day.
2. Star Wars Holiday Special: There's a reason you can only find bootlegged
copied of this one time TV special. Bizarre to the point of being
hallucinatory, it won't make you laugh, but it may drive you insane enough
to actually enjoy yourself this holiday season.
3. Home Alone 2: Once again, while it may not entertain, amuse, or interest
you, it will get your blood flowing. Mostly from your wrists, of course, but
it's better than nothing.
4. The Matrix: There's no better time to enjoy this rip-roarin' biblical
epic than Christmas time. Keanu Reeves as a leather-clad, gun-toting, mildly
retarded Savior is much more fun than church, plus he doesn't make my ears
bleed like mass does. Although it is a tad violent, it's a good family film
that teaches children solid Christian values like determination, faith, and
how to shoot up your high school in trenchcoated style.
5. Home Alone 3: I'm not sure if this one has Macauly Culkin in it, or if it
takes place at Christmas time, or in fact if it even exists at all, but I
can't for the life of me think of any more jokes, so this takes the number
five spot.
So there you have it, some obligatory Christmas content. I hope you all
enjoy yourselves this holiday season, even if Jesus doesn't bring you
everything you want this year. If you end up disappointed by his notorious
stinginess, don't get too depressed, just try harder next year to please
Jesus with good deeds and blood sacrifices, or whatever it is you Catholics
do all year. Me, I'm sticking to my voodoo and Santeria, and we'll just see
how many gifts I get under my tree once the little baby Savior gets a taste
of that voodoo doll I made from my mom's nativity scene. So remember,
although Christmas may be getting you down, there's always the hope the
world will end in blood and fire this New Year's, so don't lose hope quite
yet.
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