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December 2000

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In this issue: The Seventh Sense! Charlie’s Angels, from a new contributor!    Some obligatory Christmas crap!    PLUS: Eeyore gets educational,   and Ash blathers on about something only tenuously related to entertainment! Yippee!
Obligatory Christmas Crap

By rights this should have been a Christmas issue, but as should be fairly obvious to regular readers, I haven't quite hit my stride yet. Tackling a theme-issue so early in PULP's rebirth would be a difficult undertaking that would threaten to dislodge my rather tenuous grip on sanity, and while that may have a positive effect on my sense of humor, it wouldn't be so hot for my grammar and syntax, not to mention the fact that whatever miniscule amount of inhibition and sensitivity I have would be immediately eradicated, leading to pages and pages of rants blaming rising gas prices on 13 year old Inuit kids wasting resources. As much as the idea of being a right-wing lunatic appeals to the little Satan hovering over my left shoulder, the little Satan over my right shoulder doesn't really like the idea of being firebombed, so I think I'll refrain for the time being. Now that I've managed to put you all in the Christmas spirit of discrimination, hatred and prejudice, allow me to introduce my yearly list of Christmas video picks. If you're like me, and I hope for the sake of your family and the neighborhood pets that you're not, you like to spend the holidays curled up in a ball of misery, trying desperately to sleep thorough till February without having to spread any holiday cheer, which does not do wonders for your self-esteem or social life. So, in the interests of saving you all from the misery of the holiday season, I've decided to do my damndest to raise your flagging spirits. And of course, nothing raises spirits like Christmas movies! Unless, you know, you're Jewish or something, but who am I to leave you out just because you're a heathen and don't worship the great Santa-God like the rest of us. Anyway, here's a list of my favourite holiday movies, designed throw a little cheer your way and help you shake off the holiday blues.
1. Home Alone: Nothing makes me want to get out of bed and grab a firearm more than Macauly Culkin movies, and this is his crowning achievement in terms of pure, unadulterated irritation. Remember, even a murderous rampage is better than lying in bed all day.

2. Star Wars Holiday Special: There's a reason you can only find bootlegged copied of this one time TV special. Bizarre to the point of being hallucinatory, it won't make you laugh, but it may drive you insane enough to actually enjoy yourself this holiday season.

3. Home Alone 2: Once again, while it may not entertain, amuse, or interest you, it will get your blood flowing. Mostly from your wrists, of course, but it's better than nothing.

4. The Matrix: There's no better time to enjoy this rip-roarin' biblical epic than Christmas time. Keanu Reeves as a leather-clad, gun-toting, mildly retarded Savior is much more fun than church, plus he doesn't make my ears bleed like mass does. Although it is a tad violent, it's a good family film that teaches children solid Christian values like determination, faith, and how to shoot up your high school in trenchcoated style.

5. Home Alone 3: I'm not sure if this one has Macauly Culkin in it, or if it takes place at Christmas time, or in fact if it even exists at all, but I can't for the life of me think of any more jokes, so this takes the number five spot.

So there you have it, some obligatory Christmas content. I hope you all enjoy yourselves this holiday season, even if Jesus doesn't bring you everything you want this year. If you end up disappointed by his notorious stinginess, don't get too depressed, just try harder next year to please Jesus with good deeds and blood sacrifices, or whatever it is you Catholics do all year. Me, I'm sticking to my voodoo and Santeria, and we'll just see how many gifts I get under my tree once the little baby Savior gets a taste of that voodoo doll I made from my mom's nativity scene. So remember, although Christmas may be getting you down, there's always the hope the world will end in blood and fire this New Year's, so don't lose hope quite yet.

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