Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

December 2000

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue: The Seventh Sense! Charlie’s Angels, from a new contributor!    Some obligatory Christmas crap!    PLUS: Eeyore gets educational,   and Ash blathers on about something only tenuously related to entertainment! Yippee!
'Tis or was the season for ultra violence...

When the Chi-mass spirit is upon me I find myself filled deeply with all of the warm fuzzies. Yes Chimass. The Greek letter Chi was a symbol for a Roman invention - the cross. Those crazy Romans really knew how to educate and condemn people to death at the same time, plus keeping costs down by having the doomed make and carry his own instrument of death. Over the eons Chi was replaced by an X, thus Chimass or Xmas are the more correct term for this holiday event. This way we remember that Easter Bunny is waiting to reward us with a sweet chocolate egg as an Earthly reward for our crimes against an omniscient and omnipotent invisible overlord. Ah but I am off on a tangent from my true goal, even though educating the ignorant masses is a career in itself.

So, with the Chimass spirit resonating deeply at the third harmonic of my soul, I seek the solace of the films from the kinder and gentler world of yesteryear. Yes there was nothing like the sitting down in front of the cathode ray tube and watching an animatronic Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer way way back when I was a wee toddler sitting beside the feet of my loving uncle Bob Cratchet with the ghost of Mr. Scrooge looking through the window.

I think the thing that I must enjoyed while pricking myself with the needle as I threaded popcorn and cranberries, whistling sacred tunes in my head, sipping a "hottt choc-a-late", was the hope that the abominable snowman would finally succeed and make roast beast out of dear Reddo. But for some reason, every year in true Care Bear syrupy-post-humanistic-love-in-ness the snowman would put away his crystal fangs and get the warm fuzzies also.

Bah Humbug!

But, just in time for the Chimass holiday, GLADIATOR is now out on video. Hey, it takes place in a very Holy setting, the birth place of the Vatican, and it was the Romans that created an extra holiday with just one out of millions of crucifixions! [I had to look that word up - just goes to show you that if Cromwell-Doris AntiNight ever gets a majority gov'ment we should look at bringing back the cross not the noose. More holidays and its punishment with a capital C.]

I had previously really enjoyed Rus Crowe in the Insider, but I thought his pent up rage was really wasted and the scenes of him hacking up tobacco executives that did not make the final cut of the Insider were quickly spliced together to make all of the combat scenes in GLADIATOR. Forever holy-Hollywood has long followed the three R's: recycle - Recycle again and don't forget to reuse and recycle the reused recycling. Hey film costs a lot of money. I wonder how much that stunt man got paid to be cut in half [across the torso not a head toe cut like the split dogs in Night of the Living Dead part three or seventeen]?

But now we live in a more enlightened time and this just rankles my twisted spirit from brain to butt. How are children going to learn basic self defense if they do not watch training videos like The Road Warrior? There will come a day when all our not so Spartan youth can't press the buttons on the cruise missiles fast enough and then the commie hordes will come roaring in and steal our toilets. Just try using an outhouse in winter time - think about it! If that is not a worthy enough cause then I am just thrashing back and forth punching the air shouting at my shadow and...yeah GLADIATOR was an okay movie.

The true spirit of Chimass is more entertainment for the masses - Rome is the mob.

Disclaimer | Email Us | Dance!
Text, images, design, and our groovy mojo are ©
return to the top of the page