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Submit to pulp

December 2000

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue: The Seventh Sense! Charlie’s Angels, from a new contributor!    Some obligatory Christmas crap!    PLUS: Eeyore gets educational,   and Ash blathers on about something only tenuously related to entertainment! Yippee!
Potheads of the world unite!

Potheads of the world unite! I'm issuing a call to arms to all you pot-smoking, bong-hitting, glaucoma-suffering guys and gals out there. Come together to support each other! Gather your strength, put your thinking caps on, and come up with a battle plan to attack the evil, patriarchal, racist, sexist government that is taking away your God-given right to rot your brains from the inside out. I urge you all to reach out to each other, to set a date and a place to a hold a big attention getting rally, to present one loud united voice, and then to stand perfectly still while I beat each and every one of you to death with one of your own hippie hookah pipes. Freaks. Like you could put enough of a sentence together to present a loud united voice. And no, 'dude' does not count as a sentence. You want to make the world a better place? Get cleaned up and stop wasting valuable resources by consuming the entire national supply of Twinkies. Not that I care what you potheads, or 'general arts students' as you are often called, do with yourselves, but what really boils my potato is that there are enough of you out there that you could actually get something done if you weren't so busy watching reruns of The Golden Girls and telling each other how stoned you are/were/are going to get. You want to get pot legalized? Stop smoking it. People will be more likely to listen to you if you'd stop staring at your shoelaces and giggling to yourself about Betty White. There are so many of you hippies out there that you could easily do something productive if you just turned off that damn Adam Sanfler CD and got off your ass long enough to form an opinion, and what irritates me most is that you waste your (rather limited) energy on this useless issue when you could be fighting for something worthwhile, like ending world hunger or getting Jack of all Trades back on the air. But no, you have to spend your abundant free time trying to legalize yet another way to lower IQ scores, alongside alcohol, cellphones, and rap music. Now, I don't want to use the words "pothead" and "summarily executed" in the same sentence, but I think it's fairly obvious that all potheads should be summarily executed, and I think history will prove that I'm right. If I have to go to one more party with a room full of people having what they think is a deep conversation but is really just a series of grunts and monosyllables, I'm going to start handing out oregano laced with Drano just for kicks, and no court in the world would convict me. In order to further prove my point, I'm going to go through every major argument your typical hippie loser will put forth to defend the legalization of marijuana, and show you the inherent flaws.
1. Pot is nowhere near as dangerous as alcohol or tobacco. This argument makes no sense. Sure, it's not as bad as booze or cigarrettes, but it's still not good for you. Yeah yeah, it's hypocritical to have alcohol legal and pot against the law, but most potheads can't even get through the word 'hypocritical' without nodding off, so that's a moot point.

2. Pot raises you to a higher level of consciousness. No. No, it doesn't. You're not attaining enlightenment, you've just made yourself so stupid you think remembering your last name is an epiphany. Don't believe me? Try this simple test. First, get stoned. Now try to count to ten. Now try to remember what it is you were trying to do. Now write down your phone number. If you wrote down your number as 78910, you just proved my point. If you never got to the phone number part and are still stuck on step two, you need some help.

3. Pot should be legalized because it has medicinal purposes. Great. I'm sure it does. So let's breed a strain of cannabis that has no THC content and distribute it to all you glaucoma sufferers. Eyes don't hurt so bad now, do they, hippie?

4. Dude. For the last time, that doesn't count as an argument. Incidentally, it's my firm belief that stoned people say 'dude' all the time because they have the munchies, but they can't remember enough of the alphabet to get to 'f', so 'food' comes out all wrong.

5. Pot would be a giant cash crop for the government. Finally, a good point. Now let's legalize heroine trafficking, prostitution and extortion to make big business and the government even richer. I though you losers were supposed to be socialists.

6. Nothing is bad for you in moderation. Weed killer is not good for you in moderation. Gas huffing is not good for you in moderation. Rap is not good for you in moderation. Do you know why you get high off pot? Because it's eating your brain-cells like Chong at a Cheetos factory. Not that I'm some freak heath food nut who thinks that the body is a temple. Hell, I've got a deep-frier for a lower intestine, but at least you should be aware that it's bad for you. Plus, even if it weren't, pot is a gateway drug. It's a well documented fact that 90% of all people who try smoking pot are crack addicted prostitutes within one year, and many are full-fledged communists within two. Marijuana abuse leads to many vices, including heroine, vegetarianism, and repeated screenings of Dazed and Confused.

7. It's fun. So's pin the tail on the infant, but it's not legal. Deal with it.

So there you go. Pass the duchy to the left had side for all I care, just keep your mouth shut about it. I don't know why the hell you all want it legalized, anyway. Then you'd have to find some other half-assed way to fight the power and rebel against your parents, and lord knows what kind of crap you'd get into then. The last thing we need is 400 000 hippies entering the workforce with clear heads, social agendas and an uncontrollable lust for Dazed and Confused II.

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