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 Tangmonkey Will Kill Yo- grcckkkkkh...hhh.....nguh              
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December 2000
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" December 23/2000 (2:53 PM) ~ posted by JP Here's a little Christmas gift I recieved in my email this morning that I thought I'd share with you. It's a graphic made by Mike Corr who, as far as I can tell is unrelated to our staff member Mike Carr. Weird. This isn't the first time someone's emailed us their own interpretation of our cute little logo so I'm starting to think about opening up a "fan art" section or something. If you've made any art related to the site, email me and I'll see what I can do about putting it up here.  December 18/2000 (5:17 AM) ~ posted by JP And they said it couldn't be done! The news archive is up! AND I wrote two rants. December 16/2000 (6:46 PM) ~ posted by Ash I've just returned from dragging two friends to see the unedited version of Stuart Gordon's Re-Animator, one of my favourite films. Needless to say, I now have two less friends. For those not in the know, Re-Animator happens to be one of the greatest zombie movies of 1985, starring a young, well-muscled Bruce Abbott and a predictably weasly Jeffrey Combs. The uncut version was far grislier than the copy I have on video, and I can easily say that it was the best movie I saw all day, unless you count Death Race 2000, which is the best movie ever. Death Race, as the title might suggest, is about a death race, which pits Kane from Kung Fu: The Legend Continues against the tragically short Sylvester Stallone. Classic. To learn more about Re-Animator, check out the review in PULP 3, or possibly PULP 4, from series one. Speaking of PULP, the remainder of series one has been posted, which you can check out here. Go there now, and put a smile on the grim rictus of horror that is my face. December 16/2000 (9:52 AM) ~ posted by JP Three new back-issues of pulp are now online. December 15/2000 (7:43 PM) ~ posted by Sean Hi kids. Tangmonkey.com being what it is - an all-powerful corporation that bends the world to its will - it follows that we conduct massive experiments on the members of the human community. After all, if we do not understand the creatures we attempt to enslave, how could anyone expect us to bind them into subservience, much less without them noticing? Unfortunately for the members of the Tangmonkey Group, Jean-Paul Davidson (VP in charge of Agendas and T-shirts) neglected to put the "Leave TM Group Members Outta The Horrible Experiments" item on the agenda, so we never got around to okaying that particular regulation. As a result, every member of the Tangmonkey Group - the Shadow Legion that controls the political and economic reins of the world - must regularly submit to pain, torture, and horrible man-eating turtles [sent by the mother-goddess Hera]. I, VP in charge of Wit, was in just such a scenario this week, and I spent the entirety of the last day (save for two paltry hours of sleep) under the brutal whip of the Group's resident scientist, "Mister D", guzzling Coca-Cola, eating cookies, and trying desperately to stay awake long enough to memorize the 12 Athloi of Heracles, the events of the Iliad, the Odyssey, the Oresteia, Medea, and the Theban Plays. Needless to say, having now gone close to forty hours with less than two hours of dormancy, let alone REM sleep, and with nothing much in my belly save the brown liquid of the kola nut and coca.. er.. baggie, I am just about keeling over. But first I am going to a pub. Anyway, though, I do have stuff to say! Pulp 12, a lost pulp issue, has been discovered! Exclamation mark! Congratulations to the Americans. You have elected a moron. Unless, that is, I am misunderestimating him... I mean honestly, Dubya is an amoral idiot. Don't believe me? Let your jaw drop. If you missed that news story about that american election thing that happened a while ago, or the latest fairly accurate Kid A review, you should definitely be reading The Morning News. It has real-world, funny, art, design and Radiohead news; what else could you want?! What's more, sam brown of the brilliant exploding dog and the new, more high-brow 1000 robots sometimes contributes! Exclamation mark! If you worship Sam Brown (oh, sorry, 'sam brown'; I forgot that he shuns capital letters, much like the fellow who wrote this guide to talking like a pirate), you should consult the gurus. Darth Maul sometimes spreads his wisdom! Exclamation mark! Recommendations from the "comic strip that Peter likes" department; from the "comic strip that Mr. Autocracy Head likes" regime, and, oh yes, from the "comic strip that Sean adores" ministry... (I have to admit, that particular Sinfest is pretty amusing. yay god! exclamation mark!) In case you didn't know, you can now throw bricks at those fold-up-scooter-riders, without retribution! Unless you have slow reflexes that is. Finally, I will leave you with the "Holy Shit, This Can't Be True" link of the day... you may have to read the Saurus to understand why this is so... er... capital jamcracker. Like these links? Want more? Got naked photos? Want to help me tip Stan  off to the fact that his photo is on the Web? Email me.
December 11/2000 (11:50 AM) ~ posted by Ash I'm baaack, and with even more exciting news to report as I continue to abuse my priviledges as an official tangmonkey newsmonger. All I have to report today is that the new pulp is now online, ripe and ready for your reading pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me, Italian exploitation classic The Devil's Nightmare is calling to me from my VCR, and who am I to keep nekkid ladies in service to satan waiting... December 10/2000 (9:56 PM) ~ posted by Ash Well well well, kiddies, it seems that Ash has been given the keys to the proverbial castle. The kind folks at tangmonkey have given me the right, nay, the priviledge, to further pollute the internet by letting me post news on their site. Not only have I been given the ability to do updates, but I have been granted the power to bold, italicize, and link to deviant sex sites at will, making me essentially unstoppable. The world is my oyster, and I have a hankering for some seafood. That said, I have absolutely nothing to say, except that I saw Dungeons and Dragons, and it made the Charlie's Angels script look like a university level textbook. Goodbye. December 6/2000 (6:39 PM) ~ posted by Sean Finally, undisputable proof. Go here and type "JP Davidson" and "JP's Mom" in the two fields. Well I thought it was funny. In 1978, George Lucas released a Star Wars Christmas Special that featured Jeffreson Airship, wookie porn, and Bea Arthur (of the Golden Girls) singing at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Sound great? Not so. Read this article at salon.com, or this one, which has more profanity. December 3/2000 (9:11 PM) ~ posted by Sean I have been reticent to post news, as I did not want to distract from the two matters discussed below, namely
 That's right. StanWatch 2000. Go there now. |
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