February 2001

February 28/2001 (11:05 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Guess what, kiddies? It's Ash Wednesday! That's right, an entire day devoted to worshipping your god, king, and creator! That goes double for all you AIRDUCT losers out there. It's times like this when I wish I had at least a rudimentary sense of chronology and checked a calendar once in a while, so I could have done something cool today, instead of just watching Evil Dead II and The West Wing like every Wednesday. Ah well, live and learn.
 

February 28/2001 (12:24 AM) ~ posted by Sean

As I am sure every single one of you knew, the figure on the left is none-other than Steve Guttenberg. I was browsing his website, you see, after having visited the Computer Mavens website. The Mavens, you see, are the web's most expensive terrible webpage designers. They charge in excess of $300 to make you a webpage (frames are $200 extra, remember), and then the webpages they make are terrible. For instance, Steve Guttenberg's page. On the left side, it instructs you to double-click a link. I'm not sure what dumb-ass browser they're using, but no double-click is necessary. A single click will do. While this may seem like a small thing to you, there are children starving in India. So unnecessary double-clicks are bad. Obviously. Need more proof for them being terrible? Well, for one thing, you can't access the freakin' index page of their site. And they're making what, thousands of dollars, while I am left wishing I had the cash to buy a llama farm? I mean honestly.

Anyway, besides looking at the ole' Guttenberg website, I have indeed been checking out other things, and I've got some links for you. There are some lobsters in my pants that I should air out first, however. (That lobster expression is a keeper, I think.) First of all, and this is really the big lobster, is that the Spark.com's got this new Gender Test. I took the stupid test, and it was 80% sure I was a woman. Now, agreed, this is possibly a good thing. Stereotypical male traits are lousy traits to have, at least according to JP. (Yes, the same JP who has been heard to proclaim "JP Suqs!" and "I'm gay!" many a time). It's also true that I would rather be placed closer on a "gender spectrum" to Ramasaur than to the Beast and his mean friends. Still, the fact that I would rather be placed closer to a girl, period, does not really resolve anything. The fact is that I've been judged a girl by a computer program that never even saw my Valentine's Day post. I'm insulted.

I'm also insulted because no one has yet to answer my plea for contributors. Does anyone out there want to write a sort of weekly piece for Tangmonkey? Be you a group-member or no, let me know. I know we have readers, and some of them can even read...

Right. Links. I think the main reason that hackers are cool is that they deface pages in illegible, 31337 ways. (If you do not know what 31337 means, you will soon be 404! Ha ha ha! I kill me.) Sometimes, however, they make sensible, logical, and honestly righteous arguments against racism. I've realised there also exist arguments for Tangmonkey to be hacked. For instance, it seems that we helped spread one of the web's newest please-shoot-me-in-the-head crazes, "All Your Base Belong to Us" (or atleast JP helped spread it). Even Wired is sick of it. But not sick enough to not write an entire freakin' story about how everyone's sick of it. I'm not sure what the next Big Web Thing will be (now that IT and AYBBTU appear to be slowly going away), but perhaps it will be the Timecube? Or maybe the most sad, pathetic webpage in the world? Let's hope it's not Christian 4X4 Magazine (check out that URL!), although I must say, that cool switch-link-thing on the side had me mesmerized for a good two hours.

I think I've gone on long enough. I'll end just by explaining the other thing that's got my panties in a knot. My ten inch dong. Or rather Google's insistence that I am a black porn star. On the bright side, I suppose it's proof that I'm not a girl.
 

February 26/2001 (11:02 AM) ~ posted by Ash
Hey! I'll have you all know that PULP covers more than just movies and general cynicism. No no, we have specific cynicism as well, and sometimes we talk about TV.
 

February 25/2001 (10:21 PM) ~ posted by Sean
As Mike intoned above, the Tangmonkey crew has some new ideas in store, which will hopefully reach some sort of fruition. (This seems likely unless we somehow make it a debate about Airduct, in which case nothing will be accomplished.) Among other plans, I'd like to start posting (and archiving) weekly reviews. While pulp covers movies and general cynicism, I'd like to personally start posting an album review (or two) a week, I plan to bug JP to finally start a similar deal, but for Infomercials, and I also have in mind book, joke, or... well... I don't know, dollar store product reviews?

In any case, if any one of our loyal (or disloyal, backstabbing) readers is interested in contributing to TM and joining the Group as a reviewer/columnist, email me. If any current Group members are interested, they can do the same.
 

February 25/2001 (6:10 PM) ~ posted by Mike
NEWS FLASH!
Long bus rides suck my bum! I don't see how bus companies can expect people to sit still for 5 hours when the temperature is about 10 degrees to hot and the leg room is non-existent. Not too mention the fact that I have yet to be on a bus where the VCR worked, I mean COME ON PEOPLE! Those TVs were installed with a purpose, they were meant to be used, instead good old Greyhound thinks that they're just there as dust collectors. OK, now that that's out of my system, the Tangmonkey Group met over the past week and, after a week of scheming, have come up with some pretty ingenious plots. Stay tuned while these masterpieces of intellectual thinking come into play over the next few weeks. If you can't wait you can email Ulmo , and if he feels like it he may respond or he may force you to watch The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 and you can ask Ash about how much fun that is.
 

February 23/2001 (12:47 AM) ~ posted by Ash
For the record, if the opportunity ever presents itself, try to avoid eating undercooked pork and watching The Hills Have Eyes Part 2. I don't know if it was the parasites or the fact that the star villain Michael Berryman looks kind of like the freak from The Goonies, but something made me sick to my stomach. I tried to make myself feel better by watching a Norm McDonald movie, Screwed, but it had Danny Devito in it and just made things worse.
 

February 21/2001 (5:08 PM) ~ posted by JP
I fixed the search engine in Tangmonkey Forum, it took me like 2 minutes but I had completely forgotten that it needed fixing. Jeez people! work with me here! You have to tell me something is broken if you want me to fix it. Apparently I also need constant reminders from you. Awww... let's just get right down to it, I'm lonely, someone please email me! Seriously.
 

February 18/2001 (4:51 PM) ~ posted by JP
I just spent a bunch of time messing with the rant section and now I'm pleased to announce that there's now a "tell a friend" form on each rant that allows you to email your friends to tell them about the rant you're reading. Email me if you have any questions or comments about this new feature.
 

February 18/2001 (10:36 AM) ~ posted by Ash
I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying their reading week. Me, I'm hanging out in St. Catherine's, where pretty much the only thing to do is either go to Niagra Falls or do coke in the Donut Diner bathrooms, and I'm sick of the Falls. But I jest. There's also a Bi-Way to do coke in. Anyway, I'd just like to draw everyone's attention to a sort of interesting forum discussion here, which is on the subject of tasteless humour in PULP. I'm trying to stay out of it, but it's not working too well.
 

February 17/2001 (10:53 AM) ~ posted by Sean
Good morning to you all.

While I am in no way the Young Hero of the Genetic Age, I do like to think that I make subtle contributions to the good of society. I make cool-looking men and slutty looking women to represent myself, by making use of storTroopers. I give Modern Humorist hits by searching for topics like "britney spears", "napster" and "sex", and then getting roped in by their ingenious hit-generating short story. I pressure the richest people in America to oppose their own tax cuts in a selfless act of social responsibility. I find out synonyms for "cocaine" (fancy some Candy C?). I also browse the web a lot and find, well... judge for yourself.

Here's one of those ho-hum conspiracy theories... but this time William Shatner's involved! A fun Choose Your Own Adventure flash movie (click "Tempting Fate". It's the second page of toilet paper.). Blogs that talk about Indie music - with blue or puke backgrounds. Some weird diatribe that justifies, from a music snob perspective, the most heinously horrible mix tape. I do nerdy stuff like read about the future of User Interfaces, and get the low-down on Dungeons & Dragons Sex. I laugh at Tom the Dancing Bug's brilliantly accurate Castaway comic strip. I read a short story about post-Oscar vindication of Joe Pesci. I download free movies, argue with my imaginary girlfriend, and get completely boggled out by a hi-tech company that may be real or may be having us on. Explore the site and see why I'm so bamboozled.

Finally, in preparing the image above, I found myself sinking into the depths of the "Russell Crowe" area of the Internet. This involved learning about his evil twin, and discovering that whoever runs his official site is seriously fucked up and impossible to comprehend. Let's get him on the staff!
 

February 16/2001 (4:06 PM) ~ posted by JP

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

Doubtless I will earn no end of mockery and derision from Ash and the rest of the automatons that make up the Tangmonkey Group, but I will say this nontheless:

May this Valentine's Day wash melancholy from your hearts, tears from your eyes. May it bring hugs and kisses, meaningful looks, smiles and, perhaps, a soft touch here or there.

May this holiday bring a glow to your heart; may it give the sad ones a Will, the contented ones a Voice.

Here's to love, and to hope. Oh, and here are one, two, three songs. Those of you who know me know that I can't help it.
 

February 13/2001 (3:30 PM) ~ posted by Sean
The Htoo twins, legendary leaders of the Myanmar resistance, finally gave themselves up at the end of January. I guess that's two less uber-cool rebel 12 year-olds with machine guns.

Exploding Dog continues to delight me with images of wonder, as does the unrelenting intensity of Canadian engineers. (Knee to the groin, y'all!) It's also quite amazing the wealth of good music available for free on the Internet.

What else awes me? The self-righteousness of Americans. The hilarity of satirical animal torture. The revelation that Steve Bezos is a computer nerd. The heinous horrors that web-designers can create.

Some things awe me in a good way, however, inspiring a smile or a laugh. Jean Chretien's noble representation of the Canadian people, for instance (I spotted this image on SanityBox). Also the way that conservative Family groups react to atrocities like the Bloodhound Gang. (Warning: Because of this album's graphic nature, this review contains sexual descriptions that are not appropriate for children. If you are a teenager or a younger child, please let your parents read this review before you proceed.) You'll note that the "boobies" on the cover are.. er.. fuzzed out. Thank God!

As Forrest will doubtless agree, Philosophers, too, rise above the mundane and boring. Here's an anecdote from a biography of British philosopher AJ "Freddie" Ayers:

Ayer was...chatting to a group of young models and designers, when a woman rushed in saying that a friend was being assaulted in a bedroom. Ayer went to investigate and found Mike Tyson forcing himself on a young south London model called Naomi Campbell, then just beginning her career. Ayer warned Tyson to desist. Tyson: "Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm the heavyweight champion of the world." Ayer stood his ground. "And I am the former Wykeham Professor of Logic. We are both pre-eminent in our field; I suggest that we talk about this like rational men." Ayer and Tyson began to talk. Naomi Campbell slipped out.

One last thing: 2001: A Space Odyssey.... in Lego.
 

February 11/2001 (1:20 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Well then. Sadly enough, I too spent an evening in a bar this weekend. Even worse, it was an Irish pub. For those of you who know me, this may seem odd, seeing as I hate both pubs and the Irish, but rest assured I was dragged against my will. While there, I compromised my straight edge principles long enough to sample a few sips of Guiness, which I haven't had in years. Yup, still tastes like breast milk from an alcoholic mom. Delicious. Anyway, the reason I logged on is to remind everybody that the Tangmonkey Forum is up and running, and that there is a PULP section, moderated and frequently visited by me. So go there and bitch.
 

February 10/2001 (11:35 PM) ~ posted by Gareth
I'VE BEEN FRAMED!

I awoke this morning dazed, confused and hung over, only to find the pictures seen below. Here is the real story: JP somehow got it into his mind that it was me who leaked his drunken answering machine to Sean (which is first of all a ridiculous thought, for if I had had the mp3 first I could have simply posted it myself). JP is a very proud man and he doesn't like it when he is made to look inferior in any way. He is also a very vengeful person, and instead of simply talking to me to clarify, he decided to take his revenge. Last night he came over to my house in the outskirts of Toronto. He came into my domicile, put a bottle of scotch in my hand and said, “Drink this or I will demote your ass, hard!” I refused but then he took out a gun, I can hardly repress the tears as I remember the horrifying scene, I had no choice but to accept. Once I had finished most of the bottle, he took me to a pub where he bought me more and more alcohol, although I was protesting constantly. If you look at the last picture you can see JP actually pouring beer into my mouth. I did truly fear for my life; notice that I am not smiling in any of these pictures. When I awoke this morning to find the pictures on Tangmonkey, I quickly checked the Tangmonkey Group page, only to find that my position had been changed. I fear for my life as I write these words but I feel that JP had to be exposed for the demonic person that he is. I hope you are happy JP, for I am scarred for life.

 

February 10/2001 (12:11 PM) ~ posted by JP

A Photographic Adventure Through Inebriation

(Gareth gets drunk on his birthday)



Happy birthday Gareth, have a pint.

Gareth chats up the ladies...

Subtle insults, my goodness, perhaps you've had enough.

"I'm fffffiiiinnnneeeee..."

I had to help out a friend in need, he'd lost the ability to use his arms.

The new issue of pulp is up today, more on that from Ash later.
 

February 7/2001 (12:29 AM) ~ posted by Sean
I found the most remarkable artist. While he may not translate the history of the Smashing Pumpkins into a Peanuts comic-strip, Mori Chack has a website that is full of strange art. Using a simplified Hello Kitty style, he depicts violence and horrors. Huge pink teddies devour children. Kids dressed in frog costumes, as you can see, stuff fireworks in their mouths. The only problem with the site, from my point of view, is that it is written in Klingon. I don't speak Klingon. If any of you do, please contact Mr. Chack on our behalf; The Group would be interested in hosting an English gallery site for him. Seriously.

Sad things: Apologies and Abuse. Anti-Semitic font designers. AOL-Time Warner considering buying Yahoo. The current state of Pop Music.

Fun things: Shockwave Snowball Fights. Hip Shockwave games for Designers. The First Annual Schend.net Lizard Wars. Java games that are delightful in their complete uselessness. Drooling over the new titanium Powerbook. Militant Christians who are leading an army against the evil giant children of angels and mortal women.

Funny things: Marilyn Manson. Rainbows that cause car crashes. Fake news stories that mock Bill Gates. The things people buy on eBay. Kevin Smith (director of Clerks and Dogma) insulting Reese Witherspoon. At length.

Oh, and the MUST HEAR MP3 of the day: JP's drunken answering machine message!
 

February 7/2001 (12:22 AM) ~ posted by Craig
Sorry 'bout that last post... the website I was linking to went down for some reason... Anyway, here it is again! You'll be pleased to know that dumb people still roam the earth... you'd think they'd become extinct or something if they keep doing things like this.
"Yo Ho" sez-he "Iza gunna buyza fisha from you!" "Awright!" sez-I "Ize bea sellin' my fishes!" "Geev me zat dar big one!" "Dis be prime fish mamann... you'z be eatin for a week if you'z getz disyear fish!" "Ize wants it now! What be it's price?" "It be expensive! You'z be best to sell your daughter!" "Izza good idea no? I sink she be aright wit it... I bring here tomorrow!" "Iss good! Here be your fish!" .. .. .. Enough about that, you don't really want to hear how the fish-buying guy digs up his daughter just to trade her for a fish do you? Hey wait! Now everybody knows about it :( I'll never get the movie rights now... I can still see it though... big bright lights shining upon a billboard reading 'Fish Love - The story of a man who buys a fish... but pays a terrible price.' It would star... oh... (who's all the rage right now?)... it would star... ME! Yes that's it! I'd bury myself and wait for the guy to dig me up! I can act dead! I'm doing it now. (Or close to it anyway, picture this: A dark room lit only by a dim flickering computer monitor. Before the monitor is this slouched body in a wooden chair. The camera pans closer... you see glazed and unblinking eyes, no chest movements to indicate breathing... The camera pans down to the hands which are typing furiously. That's me.) :)
 

February 6/2001 (2:12 AM) ~ posted by Craig
Is this thing on? But seriously... for you lazy bones' who haven't gotten calendars for the new year yet, go here to get one... It ain't pretty, I can tell you that. You can paste it to the ceiling above your bed so you can wake up each morning feeling good about yourself. You AREN'T THAT FAT! REJOICE! And if you are then you'll be saying to yourself 'Dayum! Lookit dem FINE ladies!' You can't lose! Or if you're one of those annoying people who is constantly happy, click here. You won't be so happy anymore, but we will because you aren't! Dinner is served... :)
 

February 3/2001 (10:45 PM) ~ posted by Ash
I've just spent the day watching old episodes of the 1952 Republic serial Zombies of the Stratosphere, aka Satan's Satellites. I regret nothing. Sure, that may be three hours of my life I'll never get back, but considering it's 11:30 on a Saturday night and I'm posting news on a website, there's not much life to waste. Plus, not only did I get to discover the origin of that nifty robot that graces the CD cover of White Zombie's classic album Astro-Creep 2000, I got to see yet another Leonard Nimoy appearance in a trashy B-movie. That's the second time this month he's popped up unexpectedly, the first being in the immortal Red Scare flick The Brain Eaters. I think he may be following me. How, or even why, remains to be seen, but I'm keeping my eyes open, rest assured.