January 2001
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January 31/2001 (10:19 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Someone has apparently developed a working paper telephone. They're also working on an mp3 player. This rivals the coolness of the whole IT thing.. although there are some more educated theories coming out on that, too.
All right, enough with the not-funny.
Jab scissors into your crotch!
Seriously though (well, not really seriously), I find it surprising that crude Photoshop images of celebrities jamming scissors into their lower abdomens can be so funny. And that's nothing, in this follow-up to the cybersex episode with a fake 16-year-old cerebral palsy victim, we've got one in which she.. well.. takes some feminist revenge on some poor old (dirty) man. And that's funny too.
Good webcomics: When I Am King, and Bruno.
Some moron bought an empty Playstation 2 box for several hundred dollars.
Some other morons... well... just read this article. You'll never smoke your own skin again.
Finally, having seen Temptation Island (O, how I feel dirty) and the first episode of Survivor II (eek), I wonder to what lengths the networks will go. Who knew that salon.com was funny? Who knew that you could copyright the frownie? :-(
Finally, for some actually worthwhile reading, if you're into that kind of thing, visit some of the websites that have been nominated for the 2001 Bloggies.
Oh yeah, and here's some porn.
January 28/2001 (3:39 PM) ~ posted by Sean
This book on Amazon.com is quite possibly the strangest thing I have ever seen.
From the Political Department: It is my humble opinion that the WTO (or a similar organization) will be the downfall of culture, national freedom, and the environment. Thankfully (or perhaps frighteningly), they're not very smart. Upset? If you're a prankster, check out the naughty things ®TMark has been doing. If you're just plain rich, you can pay to have your political message zapped with a big fucking laser onto a mountain, outside the World Economic Forum's annual conference.
Or perhaps you could just try to seduce Jesus.
Seriously though, folks, there are still places to get honest, normal information. Plastic, for instance, is a great new "content-delivery site", and the Washington Post is still churning out quality articles that ask Britney Spears cybersex-ers their views on the Bush Presidency. Oh yeah, and Cryptome publishes honest-to-goodness Top Secret material.
From the Non-Political Department: 1) Ladies whose panties inexplicably fall down. And it's "Art". 2) How quickly did the US Postal Service deliver a deer tibia? That and more. 3) More evidence that Floridians are morons. 4) Oh yes, and there is a very funny Pokey the Penguin today.
January 24/2001 (12:49 AM) ~ posted by Ash
I just got back from seeing Traffic, which aside from being a fantastic movie has also managed to make me even more militantly straight edge, if such a thing is even possible. Also, I've just learned that some left-wing socialist PC lunatic has decided to sue Slayer, the second greatest rock band of all time, merely because the band told some kids to kill and rape (in that order) their daughter. Rest assured, this outrage will not go without reprisal in the form of a seething article in the next issue of PULP.
January 23/2001 (9:40 AM) ~ posted by JP
What time is it?
Public Beta Time, Oh Boy!
I've spent the last few hours setting up Tangmonkey Forum which is going to be the forum for you crazy kids to discuss the site, your lives, sexual fantacies etc... This is not a replacement for RANT! which is meant for bold (and somewhat lengthlier) public statements. Tangmonkey Forum is for "shootin' the shit" for lack of a better phrase (ok fine, I had loads of better phrases but I just liked that one).
Let me remind you once more that the forum is still in beta-ish stages and needs you crazies to test it out. Email me if you find any problems or have any comments, yes, I already know about the search and email problems and I'm doing my darndest to fix them.
January 21/2001 (7:36 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Oh, Americans, how I envy thee.
While many have postulated that your new president may or may not look like a chimp, a more important question, methinks, is whether or not Dubya is a TANGMONKEY from TANGMONKEY.COM or NOT? Tell your friends.
One thing's for sure; he's not as sexxy as the new Apple Powerbook. By the way, that "sexxy" link is worth visiting.
Look! A pixellated Thom Yorke web-cam! JP would not be happy.
I am a geek. I have a penchant for what I deem "good", rather than opportunistic, insta-made music. I've seen the original 1930s Lord of the Rings Movie, and I know what a tangmonkey is. What's more, I've signed the petition asking Leonard Nimoy to eat more salsa, and I know how Spiderman defeated his enemies with HostessTM Cup Cakes. I continue to find the Crocodile Hunter and non sequitur chat questions hilarious. But then, I also find fake 16-year olds luring perverts into horrible offensive cerebral palsy rape fantasies tremendously amusing.
Don't you?
January 19/2001 (4:33 PM) ~ posted by Ash
For the love of Pete, I don't have time for this crap. I do 35 issues of this worthless zine with nary an email to be found from a reader, but i call women sub-human just once, and look at all the stuff I have to deal with. I don't have time for this. I have a busy schedule of self-loathing to stick to, plus Night of the Living Dead is on at the Du Parc tonight, so obviously my social calendar is jam packed. Look, in no way did I mean to imply that I don't like women. On the contrary, they make fine pets, and without their numerous contributions to pop culture, where would the sub-genre of prime-time soaps be today? And as for AIRDUCT, well, it's not nearly as bad as I make it out to be. Sure, it's full of poetry and prose the likes of which have never been seen outside of a grade 11 English class, and the perpetually irritating faux profundity makes my eyeballs itch, but they do have the odd joke in there that'll make a troglodyte or two crack a grin. Provided they've been huffing gas. Or watching Roswell.
January 18/2001 (10:27 PM) ~ posted by JP
Hey everybody! Wanna hear some good tunes? Check out Jim's Big Ego, they play good music. They also have some neat shockwave videos on their site, I especially like this one.
Speaking of totally unrelated topics, this rivalry between pulp and Airduct is pretty funny.
January 17/2001 (7:19 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Uh oh. Seems the last PULP's rampant AIRDUCT bashing has ruffled a few feathers, judging by this rant posted a few days ago. Among other things, this highly inaccurate and deliberatly provacative rant perpetrates many untruths about yours truly. Firstly, despite sharing a similar name with one of the characters, I have nothing to do with Pokemon, nor have I ever met a Pokeman or Pokewoman. Secondly, while my fear of Montreal water contaminating me with Francofolie keeps me from washing and thus contributes to my alleged odiferousness, my clothes most certainly do not look like they come from Le Chateau. Trust me, if I had the money to shop at Le Chateau, I wouldn't be wasting my time writing an inflammatory zine desperately trying to get the attention of a newspaper or magazine that will pay me enough to afford The Movie Network. And finally, as distressing as it is to be threatened by a girl gang, who would no doubt cause me great pain as they hit me with their purses and try to give me a makeover, I am secure in the fact that due to my astounding lack of friends, I never actually talk to anybody except by email, so nobody knows where I live. Take that.
January 16/2001 (11:08 PM) ~ posted by Sean
We're STILL looking for someone to develop a comic for us. If you're interested, email JP.
All right, I'll start things simple. I just did a stupid little search for Sean Michaels on Google, and I see this interesting looking link to do with some US Postal Service Trial, or something, and... well... Guh. People are so weird.
Speaking of weird... How about monkeys overrunning the city? Or maybe horribly disturbing LEGO porn is more your style. No? What about prank calls by Arnold Schwarzenegger?
For those of you who are interested, this is how you can sell your soul. Guaranteed to work! The owner of this page seems to have already done so.
OK. So this whole "IT" thing that JP started talking about is pretty weird. But for those of you who doubt whether "Ginger" will really change the world, take a look at how fucking amazing Dean Kamen's last invention (the iBot wheelchair) is! (Warning, requires Microsoft Media Player, and it's pretty long).
January 15/2001 (3:01 AM) ~ posted by JP
I've decided that Tangmonkey.com needs a weekly comic. Not something involving tangmonkeys directly or anything like that, just a cool comic with a sense of humour we can relate with. This comic needs to be quite unpopular right now since if they were popular they wouldn't want us to host them. So, if anyone out there in television land knows of any good comics that are underexposed and deserve some attention email me and I'll see what I can do about hosting them here. A good indicator of weather or not a comic is unpopular enough is if they have a Geocities or Tripod URL. Anything with it's own domain name will want to develop it's brand without our expert help. Please note that we're not looking for someone to exploit, the artist would retain full control, ownership etc... We just want someone to bring us regular visitors. Since I rarely get feedback on stuff like this I don't really expect any this time but maybe, just maybe, someone out there is listenning...
January 14/2001 (12:03 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Uh, yeah, like JP says, the new PULP is out and about, and you should definitely check it out. Hey, look at that, I rhymed. All I need now is gold teeth and a crack habit and I could be in Wu-Tang. And for the sake of my rapidly failing self-esteem, if you like the new issue, email me here.
January 13/2001 (10:57 PM) ~ posted by JP
Since Ash has been too lazy to post anything about the new issue of pulp I guess I'll have to. That's right Series 2: Issue 2 is out! It rocks, read it.
January 12/2001 (1:18 PM) ~ posted by JP
From the man who brought us the first drug infusion pump, the first portable insulin pump and dialysis machine and the iBot all-terrain wheelchair (which despite it's dumb name makes me want to have both my legs amputated) comes "IT", or as I prefer to call it, "Ginger". Ginger was introduced to us through a breaking story from Inside.com which reported that Harvard Business School Press has paid $250,000 to Dean Kamen, the inventor, for a book about it. Jeff Bezos and Steve Jobs love it and some say it'll make Dean Kamen richer than Bill Gates in less than 5 years and others claim it's all a big hoax. No one other than a few investors and know-it-all-bastards know what Ginger is or what it does, I saw one the other day but couldn't be reached for comment.
Also, new pulp on the way soon!
January 11/2001 (11:09 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Huzzah! Well said, Ash.
January 11/2001 (9:52 PM) ~ posted by Ash
I just thought everyone should know that I spent the entire day watching Devilman bootlegs from Japan, and now I feel a little woozy. Having surpassed the recommended daily intake of Japanimation, which incidentaly is a very funny word if you mispronounce it, I would like to warn others away from such a foolish course of action. I don't want to get into details, but the human mind can only take so many hours of tentacle rape scenes before it starts getting unhealthy ideas. Consider that my Christmas gift to all you loyal readers.
January 8/2001 (11:19 AM) ~ posted by Sean
Hi kids.
Thanks to all those who have been submitting rants. Some of them are even funny! A tip for all of you out there, something I have learned over the course of my four years on this planet: Longer is always better, without exception. You always look smarter if what you've written is the longest (so long as you don't repeat too many words). There you have it.
As some of you may know, I agree must wholeheartedly with the Marquis de Guillermo's profound loathing (nay, overwhelming, consuming hatred) for Max Weinberg of the Max Weinberg Seven. Unfortunately, Conan and the Boss are not the only people who seem to be a fan of his. Imagine my horror (O, how I screamed!) at discovering this foul recording by the Teacups. Yes, it's an mp3. If you work at the RIAA, don't listen to it. Please.
Do you like yo-yos? We do. So does exploding dog.
January 6/2001 (10:45 PM) ~ posted by JP
I'm madder than hell because I go to York University. I made cute graphics to express my anger. That is all.
January 5/2001 (5:25 PM) ~ posted by Sean
This is an extra-special Birthday update. That is correct, is celebrating his fourth birthday today. If you send me an e-card, I will claw off your face. On the other hand, if you wish to send me e-presents in the vein of virtual gift certificates for HMV or Amazon, I would grin appreciatively...
Some people - namely a certain individual whose name rhymes with "Heel", and whose nickname rhymes with "Pee Pee" - thought my last update was a little much. I expect few of you saw it. It was long. Check out the News Archive if you're particularly curious.
Anyway, this posting won't be so long, and it will likely be less funny. Read on if thou darest.
Since 1999, the5k.org has hosted the "5ks"; a contest for frugal web-designers, the goal of which is to create the best website, the files for which come in at under 5 kilobytes. Given the average size for most websites (er... the VP in Charge of Rhythm & Web could probably better comment on this), the amazing stuff that has been produced is quite awe-inspiring. In the domain of extremely useful web utilities, the Web Color Visualizer is a tremendous page, useful for anyone who's thinking of making a site. Taking the cake for the fun & quirky (something that TANGMONKEY.COM values more than cheap women), is the useIT furniture store. Tee hee!
What else have we got...
Yup, I love Radiohead, but this is just taking it too far.
Paperclips are neat.
Read about the world's most under-appreciated academic superstar, winner of the Nobel Prize and two Oscars: Dr. Stephanie L. Ware.
Finally, for those of you who imagine the Old Gods who live among the roots of the skyscrapers, read this article about the myths of the Blue Lady and Bloody Mary, as shared around bonfires by the homeless children of Miami. It's one of the most interesting things I have read in a very long time, and comes recommended by Neil Gaiman.
January 1/2001 (10:38 AM) ~ posted by Ash
In lieu of giving out any half-assed holiday wishes, I'd figure I'd start out the new year merely by stating that I've never wanted to see a movie less that All The Pretty Horses.
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