Ash -

I used to just think that you were a slightly disturbed, one-dimensional freakshow whose O.D. on cheap cult flicks had transformed you into the sort of character one would expect to see popping up on the screen of a low-budget movie with a really bad mutation sequence. For a long time, my inclination was to dislike you with a mild sense of amusement. Now, pity is the only way to really describe my attitude towards you. You see, a quick read over your desperately-attempting-something-controversial-to-try-to-make-friends-by-convincing-people-I'm-bad-ass rag revealed your deep-seated psychological issues.

First of all, you seem to have an intense sense of insecurity. For all your criticism of the outside world, chauvinism and general miscreant status, you have serious self-concept issues that become apparent when you try to over-compensate with longwinded rants about any hint of competition. Furthermore, your general aversion to girls suggests problems that took even Freud years to understand, but I think it's safe to assume that you had some traumatic childhood pseudo-sexual experience (possibly realted to midgets and/or a Wayans or two) that still troubles you.

That said, I'm having fun skimming through your rag. At least you had the guts to actually publish an article about us. And as much as the content of your zine is merely a manifestation of your problems, I can not deny that your style is, as ever, cleverly scathing. As for Batturtle, I congratulate you on expanding your empire of contributors. Having never degraded myself far enough to actually watch an episode of Jack of All Trades, I can't really share his (I'm making an assumption based on said Freudian issues) grief over the loss of the show, but I agree that it was probably better than devoting a half hour to higher learning. And by the way, I thought your resolutions to stop making fun of midgets on Sundays was laudable. I'm sure the baby jesus who died for our sins would rise from his grave and bless you personally, were he not nailed there.

Until my wrath resurfaces again,

AIRDUCT EDITATION

To: "AIRDUCT H. Q."
From: pulp@stupid.com
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001 22:37:34
Subject: RE: feedback

The day I take psychology advice from Wordy Spice is the day I give up on life and end it all by watching Reality TV till my brain comes out my eyes. And for the record, being controversial, no matter how deliberate, is a hell of lot better than spouting predictably liberal, make-love-not-bombs blather that wasn't even original when Cheech and Chong slurred it out 20 years ago. Do I sense a few ruffled feathers at the AIRDUCT camp? No, I think not, for that would require you taking a break from spouting hot air long enough to actually read something not written by one of your flower-child cronies in between bong hits. Speaking of hot air, I've got a few problems with the email you just sent me. How dare you refer to me as a 'freakshow'? Any self-respecting journalist would do the background research and quickly discover that I come from the slightly less pierced, but altogether more delusional 'spookshow' variety of misanthropes. I would also accept 'creepshow'. And my aversion to girls, by the by, has less to do with any midget-related childhood experience than it does with the fact that you're a horrible, horrible gender who keep making me turn off 'Brain Eaters' so you can watch a rerun of 'Popular'. And another thing, where do you get off calling my style 'cleverly scathing'? It's not like you-oh wait, that's a good thing. Well, nuts to you, anyway.

Ash