From: "AIRDUCT H. Q."|
Subject: voodoo warfare etcetera
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 23:27:10 -0000
Congratulations on your latest achievements; recruiting a third writer and
expanding your mailing list to the double digits must have been exciting
milestones as you flirt with something almost resembling a life and a decent
e-zine. Thanks for the latest issue of PULP, but I have several problems
First of all, who the hell is Bodom, anyway? Some guy you found comatose on
the floors of a dingy, vomit-encrusted washroom in some squalid Montreal
theatre after a screening of one of those low-budget horror flicks?
Speaking of 'especially stupid pile of goat feces', it seems like said
ruminant excrement might be able to offer this Bodom character some
desperately needed tips regarding expressing himself more lucidly. Not that
your arch-nemesis would offer any free advise, but it is my opinion that
this new contributor is only going to drag your rag further into the depths
Secondly, your attack on our own swill was, although extremely entertaining
to the AIRCREW, entirely uncalled for and ignorant. We are not adverse to
criticism, but when offered by a philistine hellion who has not so much as
bothered to peruse the paragraphs we so generously sacrificed to him, well,
I get a little miffed. Let's just say that voodoo warfare is imminent. As
for your 'invitation for a full scale battle', we enthusiastically accept...
but be warned that you are greatly outnumbered... not even the illustrious
Eeyore or the babbling Bodom can protect you from the pent-up aggression and
violent tendencies of a horde of repressed high school students...
O.K. So now that I got the anticipated PULP Philippic out of the way, I
rather begrudgingly offer my congratulations. Actually, I was surprised to
receive the second issue of PULP so soon after the first. Either you're far
more industrious than I presumed, or you have even fainter glimmers of any
semblance of a life than even I suspected. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed
reading PULP (although, for the records, my enjoyment was derived primarily
from a smug feeling of superiority which I gained as I observed how inferior
your rag is to our own celebrated AIRDUCT). I look forward to reading PULP
At the risk of jeopardizing my belligerent persona, I wish you a Merry
Chimass. May the Great Santa God, deity of crass commercialism and mascot
of mass marketing smile upon you over the holiday season (and then may
Beelzebub turn you into a rabid leper and pick at your scabby, peeling flesh
on Boxing Day [insert impious laughter here]).
To: "AIRDUCT H. Q."
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 20:06:04
Subject: Chimass shmimass
Listen up, you uppitty little brats, if you think some half-assed holiday
sent my way is going to spare you when the voodoo apocalypse comes looking
shrink some heads , you've got another thing coming. Mere pleasantries
stay the power and the fury that is an angered Ash, and it's going to take a
more that you can muster to take me on in a full-scale witch-war. While you
have repressed high school rage on your side, I have an unlimited store of
twisted B-movie logic and post-adolescent disenchantment to draw on, so put
your boots and start shaking in 'em.
To address your questions and comments, Bodom's incessant mass emailing,
extremely irritating and puerile if you happen to be on the recieving end,
caused PULP's subscription list to grow exponentialy since I brought him
the dark side, so he more than deserves the opportunity to flex his writing
muscles. Speaking of crap, PULP may be cheap, poorly written, and a good
deal more offensive than amusing, but at least we shy away from flower-child
artwork and touching articles about eating disorders. I think I saw that
episode of 90210, thanks.
As for my alleged lack of life, allow me to say that if going to Collective
and Tragically Hip concerts is living, then please point me to the nearest
high-voltage wire, because I've got some misery to put myself out of. I'll
a dank basement apartment and five-shrink wrapped copies of 'Evil Dead II'
day, thank you very much. And in case your propensity for overly complicated
language belies the lack of an even rudimentary sense of chronology, let me
point out that PULP 0 and PULP I came out one month apart, which as you
have so ably prooved, is ample time to string together a series of long
and masquerade it as an opinion.
Oh, and if your alleged Chimass well-wishes were not a cleverly conceled
to put me off my guard, I'd like to say on behalf of all at PULP
have a merry Jesus day and happy Apocalypse. I'm looking forward to our next
communique, if only to see how verbose you'll be while begging for mercy.
the games begin.