Ash-

Congratulations on your latest achievements; recruiting a third writer and expanding your mailing list to the double digits must have been exciting milestones as you flirt with something almost resembling a life and a decent e-zine. Thanks for the latest issue of PULP, but I have several problems with it.

First of all, who the hell is Bodom, anyway? Some guy you found comatose on the floors of a dingy, vomit-encrusted washroom in some squalid Montreal theatre after a screening of one of those low-budget horror flicks? Speaking of 'especially stupid pile of goat feces', it seems like said ruminant excrement might be able to offer this Bodom character some desperately needed tips regarding expressing himself more lucidly. Not that your arch-nemesis would offer any free advise, but it is my opinion that this new contributor is only going to drag your rag further into the depths of mediocrity.

Secondly, your attack on our own swill was, although extremely entertaining to the AIRCREW, entirely uncalled for and ignorant. We are not adverse to criticism, but when offered by a philistine hellion who has not so much as bothered to peruse the paragraphs we so generously sacrificed to him, well, I get a little miffed. Let's just say that voodoo warfare is imminent. As for your 'invitation for a full scale battle', we enthusiastically accept... but be warned that you are greatly outnumbered... not even the illustrious Eeyore or the babbling Bodom can protect you from the pent-up aggression and violent tendencies of a horde of repressed high school students...

O.K. So now that I got the anticipated PULP Philippic out of the way, I rather begrudgingly offer my congratulations. Actually, I was surprised to receive the second issue of PULP so soon after the first. Either you're far more industrious than I presumed, or you have even fainter glimmers of any semblance of a life than even I suspected. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed reading PULP (although, for the records, my enjoyment was derived primarily from a smug feeling of superiority which I gained as I observed how inferior your rag is to our own celebrated AIRDUCT). I look forward to reading PULP II.

At the risk of jeopardizing my belligerent persona, I wish you a Merry Chimass. May the Great Santa God, deity of crass commercialism and mascot of mass marketing smile upon you over the holiday season (and then may Beelzebub turn you into a rabid leper and pick at your scabby, peeling flesh on Boxing Day [insert impious laughter here]).

-AIRDUCT EDITATION

To: "AIRDUCT H. Q."
From: pulp@stupid.com
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 20:06:04
Subject: Chimass shmimass

Listen up, you uppitty little brats, if you think some half-assed holiday cheer sent my way is going to spare you when the voodoo apocalypse comes looking to shrink some heads , you've got another thing coming. Mere pleasantries cannot stay the power and the fury that is an angered Ash, and it's going to take a lot more that you can muster to take me on in a full-scale witch-war. While you may have repressed high school rage on your side, I have an unlimited store of twisted B-movie logic and post-adolescent disenchantment to draw on, so put on your boots and start shaking in 'em.

To address your questions and comments, Bodom's incessant mass emailing, while extremely irritating and puerile if you happen to be on the recieving end, has caused PULP's subscription list to grow exponentialy since I brought him over to the dark side, so he more than deserves the opportunity to flex his writing muscles. Speaking of crap, PULP may be cheap, poorly written, and a good deal more offensive than amusing, but at least we shy away from flower-child artwork and touching articles about eating disorders. I think I saw that episode of 90210, thanks.

As for my alleged lack of life, allow me to say that if going to Collective Soul and Tragically Hip concerts is living, then please point me to the nearest high-voltage wire, because I've got some misery to put myself out of. I'll take a dank basement apartment and five-shrink wrapped copies of 'Evil Dead II' any day, thank you very much. And in case your propensity for overly complicated language belies the lack of an even rudimentary sense of chronology, let me just point out that PULP 0 and PULP I came out one month apart, which as you folks have so ably prooved, is ample time to string together a series of long words and masquerade it as an opinion.

Oh, and if your alleged Chimass well-wishes were not a cleverly conceled attempt to put me off my guard, I'd like to say on behalf of all at PULP Enterprises, have a merry Jesus day and happy Apocalypse. I'm looking forward to our next communique, if only to see how verbose you'll be while begging for mercy. Let the games begin.

Ash