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Late November 1999

In this issue:    Ash Vs. Cleveland, Ohio   Sleepy Hollow   Elvira   Ash's Movie Manifesto   Austin Powers 2   and   Y2K - A OK?
 
MOVIE REVIEW: Elvira Mistress of the Dark ****
Ash

 
Busty horror movie hostess Elvira stars in her very own cheap B-grade horror/comedy that managed to crack me up quite a bit, although normal people probably won’t find it quite so amusing. The ‘plot’ essentially finds Elvira running around in skimpy, breast-enhancing outfits and driving a really cool car, called the Macabremobile, that I am determined to own when I become rich and famous, just you wait. It goes without saying that the movie is stupid and badly made, but I love Elvira and have always been immune to the stench of cheese, and I am a firm believer that in this day and age of PC hippies and feminazis, we really need a woman like Elvira to continually refer to her chest and voracious sexual appetite. The ending reveals that Elvira has absolutely no shame, as she raps and does this really, uh, interesting dance that involves the co-ordinated swinging of the, uh, mammary glands. And, best of all, what’s that I see on Elvira’s suitcase? Yes boys and girls, it’s not one, but two Misfits “Fiend Club” stickers. Oh Elvira, how do I love thee. Let me count the ways…ah whatever, it gets boring after the two biggest reasons.
 
As an interesting side note, to me at least, I’ll tell you the story of my newest hobby, toy collecting. Or as I insist on calling it whenever anyone makes fun of me: pre-assembled model-kit collecting. My collection at the time of my most recent viewing of Mistress of the Dark featured a whopping four toys: an Elvira action figure, a Bruce Campbell toy from Xena, Jason from Friday the 13th, and, my pride and joy, a Leatherface action figure from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, featuring a chainsaw, a mallet, a severed head and a severed arm, and a blood-caked bucket. Now, most avid toy collectors keep their toys in the original packaging, and, due to the rareness of the much-sought-after Leatherface toy, I became determined to do the same, with all (four) of them. Many factors played against making this decision: I was never going to sell them so why bother keeping them in mint condition, they’re hard to display in the package, I really wanted to put the head in the bucket, etc… but I bravely ignored them, for a little while at least. What finally inspired me to open the packages, and destroy any resale value they might have in the future, you ask? The uncontrollable desire to see what was under Elvira’s dress. And I’m not even kidding. There was like an O.K. Corral style showdown between me and the boxed Elvira, and she won. And I don’t regret it at all. Not only was the question resolved (a black bikini), but I got to open all the others, put the head in the bucket, and, since both Leatherface and Elvira have chainsaws, I got to engage them in a powertool battle for supremacy of the area on top of my speakers. Leatherface won. And yes, I am eighteen years old. Teen.




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