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Submit to pulp

Late November 1999

In this issue:    Ash Vs. Cleveland, Ohio   Sleepy Hollow   Elvira   Ash's Movie Manifesto   Austin Powers 2   and   Y2K - A OK?
Ash Vs. Cleveland, Ohio

In their quest to make PULP a well-rounded piece of investigative entertainment journalism, the senior editors decided to send PULP staff writer ASH on a road trip to the SAMHAIN/DANZIG concert in Cleveland in order to tap into the under-reported area of concert reviews. Granted, this particular concert may not have the mass appeal of, say, last week’s BACKSTREET BOYS concert at the Corel Centre, but seeing as how Hell hasn’t quite frozen over yet, there’s little to no chance of getting ASH anywhere near Howie, B-Rock, AJ, and the rest of the BSB crew. Well, maybe AJ. After all, he does have that sexy cowboy hat, and we all know how ASH feels about mesh T- shirts. But without any guarantee as to whether or not AJ would actually be wearing the hat at the Corel Centre, we couldn’t get ASH to go, so you’ll have to settle for the adventures of ASH in Cleveland instead. Enjoy.
First off, allow me to apologize in advance for the poor quality of the upcoming article. I promised last issue that I would try and get some sleep in order to raise the caliber of PULP’s humor above ‘nekkid’ jokes, but as it’s now deadline time and I’m sitting on the bus I’ve spent 29 of the last 48 sleepless hours on, I realize that perhaps humor will not be my strong point for today. In fact, literacy may not be my strong point for today, so please forgive me if I step macking cents.
As some of you may know, Glenn Danzig, of eponymous hard-rock band Danzig, is pretty much your stereotypical muscle-bound metal head, complete with pre-requisite pseudo-satanic lyrics and a penchant for overblown theatrics. What you may not know, and most likely could not care less about, is that beneath the snarling guitars and violent lyrical imagery lies an amazing amount of talent, if of course by talent you mean psychosis. Perhaps some of you more musically informed readers will remember Glenn from his previous bands, The Misfits and Samhain, who have achieved immortality over the years in the sense that since they were never really alive as far as anybody with taste was concerned they can technically never die. But die they did, with The Misfits being deceased for almost two decades and Samhain giving up the ghost and disbanding over 13 years ago when Glenn landed a major label deal with Def American. But for one month and one month only, Samhain has reunited to join Danzig as the opening act, and me being a die-hard Samhain fan for over 32 years, I took it upon myself to gather together a group of (1) friends and head on down to Ohio to check it out. Some might say that this was an unwise decision, as Danzig concerts are notoriously violent and odds are pretty good that I would be stabbed by a biker looking to sell my kidney on the black for beer money, or at the very least loose a few teeth, but these things do not concern a true Danzig fan. However, the trip was not without its problems.
Problem Number One: figuring out exactly where Ohio is. I was under the impression that it was somewhere in the middle of the US, along with Idaho and Omaha and all the other boring states, but apparently it’s actually not that far. That is if you consider 14 hours by bus ‘not that far’, which all depends on how you look at it. I look at it as definitely being worth it, but that may have something to do with the series of concussions I sustained at the concert, or perhaps the series of concussions I sustained at the concert, both factors combining to muddle my thinking.
Problem Number Two, they neglected to mention on the tour schedule that the Cleveland show was being held in an area of the city we quickly dubbed ‘Crackton’. Our plans to explore Cleveland and its many wonders over the five hours we had before the show quickly became plans to explore the many wonders of the bus station, after our brief foray outside the terminal ended in two attempted muggings and a charming warning by a local resident to ‘keep you hands on your heat’, the meaning of which was unclear but still concerned us. Needless to say, the bus station managed to be quite fascinating for the next five hours.
Problem Number Three was of course the tickets. Due to the fact that everyone at Ticketmaster is a jackass, we were unable to have the tickets mailed to us in Canada. Instead we were forced to pick them up at the theatre box office right before show time. Those of you who are veterans of teen road-trip movies will realize that anything involving picking up tickets before a concert is a recipe for disaster, as there will inevitably be some sort of mishap causing our young heroes to engage in many a comic misadventure to try and gain admittance. My tolerance for comic misadventures extends only so far as laughing at other people’s, so this was not something I was prepared to do.
But, surprise surprise, unlike what movies have taught us, everything turned out for the best, although it took substantially longer than the standard 90 minutes. We received the tickets, the show rocked, I got to meet Glenn Danzig, and best of all nobody tried to steal our kidneys. I still haven’t quite found all my teeth, though.

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