Any two things can be linked. The manner in which this link is forged can be simple or very complex, but eventually A can always be found to relate to B. RELATIVITY is the game which allows me to convince all Ye of Little Faith that I am the master of forging the link. Come on -- challenge me. The gauntlet has been thrown down.
Round 1: Matt Damon and Claire Danes
Matt Damon...Well, let's see. The first thing that springs to mind is WANT SOME, but, ignoring my hormones for a second, we soon arrive at Ben Affleck, Matt's best bud. They star together, guest appear for each other, provide the proverbial shoulder when needed. Going from Ben, we naturally arrive at Hollywood's unofficial First Girlfriend, 2D Gweny. Gweneth Paltrow has been with both Brad and Ben, and as much as I hate the little waif, I still congratulate her on her choice of, um, A special friends. I have not, however, been able to work myself up into enough of a you-go-girl frenzy to forget that she is an absolutely god-awful cut-out who disappears the moment she turns sideways...and I mean that in a good way. Where was I? Oh, right. Gwen leads to BradBwell, doesn't everything? No? Did you not see Fight Club? Oh, I get it. You're male...and straight to boot. Sucks to be you, 'cause you missed out on the true essence of the movie: Brad Pitt in the (almost) buff. Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Brad gets linked to Jennifer Aniston by virtue of the fact that they are Aburning the midnight oil together. Or just burning any regular oil together. Hmmm...Brad Pitt and oil. Hot, burning and it is here that I come to a crashing halt in order to make it by the censors. Jennifer, who should never been allowed to leave the small screen, stars with Paul Rudd in The Object of My Affection, a delightfully vapid movie that proves yet again that (a) gay men can be seduced, and (b) Rachel is the only character Aniston is capable of playing. Paul Rudd leads us, at long last, to Claire Danes, an absolutely fantastic actress who does not deserve to have The Mod Squad held against her. The Rudd-Danes connection, in case you didn't get that, was Romeo+Juliet. Speaking of R+J, I wish someone would enlighten me as to why, when you steal an author=s ideas and words, it's called Aplagiarism, but poor old Shakespeare's stuff can be used and abused at Will (puns are funs) and yet it is deemed art.
So there you have it, folks. The third ever (and by third I mean, of course, first) Relativity column. If you were wondering about the inspiration for the title, you stupid people should have paid attention is science class, 'cause then you would recognise the obvious reference to that guy with the apple on his head. For all of you who think I was too blond to realize that the column could have been considerably shortened had I known that Damon and Danes had previously dated, all I can say is this: You most definitely picked up the wrong magazine. Teeny Bopper's Super Duper Extra Plus Ricky Martin Special is available at your local drug store.