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Halloween 1999

In this issue:    Bats   Blair Witch   Costume Tips   The Best and Worst of Horror   Hollywood's History of Horror   and   What is Halloween?
OPINION: Halloween is for Hallowieners or A walk down memory lane of Halloween’s long past.

Halloween is one of these wiener type festivals. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great idea for small kids to dress up in corporately controlled archetypes such as Sailor Moon, the Tele-tubbies, and many more including the latest flavor of the month - Pok-emon. For some of us more financially astute types, we can take advantage of the hoi polloi and line our pockets with their money by positioning ourselves strategically with the product of the month right into their greedy little hands. Just like any holiday or festival Halloween is one of these bizarre rituals that the people of Tinsel Town and big bizness USA have packaged and delivered to the Epsilon consumer public as fresh product to buy and consume.
What people seem to be forgetting is the true meaning of Halloween? Just as people complain that the true meaning of Christmas has been forgotten the same thing has happened for Halloween. I think back fondly to the magical Christmas time when I was four and five years old. All my family would get together and we would spend one beautiful day together in harmony drinking Coca cola and singing. Then we the truly heart warming moment would come when my siblings and I would descend upon all of the presents [wrapped with care] in a feeding frenzy scarier than the great white sharks after a diet of cabbage and yogurt. Ripping the paper in a such a way that it could never be reused again and then the magical moment would happen. Nintendo! Playstations! Computer games! Consumer evidence - corporeal and very real proof that our parents and extended others loved us. That magical true feeling of Christmas could be summed up in the epigram: ‘Whoever has the most toys wins!”
What is Halloween?
Some people will start talking about the one night of the year that the dead get to walk on the Earth. I learned this “fact” from the documentary - “The Crow.” Others will link it to some sort of cult or other activity. See the Nova presentation starring Betty Davis as an old codger that runs a secret town in nowhere USA. Strange rituals are carried out in order to insure that next years crops will grow. Some demented types see this as a chance to torture defenseless animals such as cats. My cat will be safely spending the night securely duct taped to its scratching post to prevent any harm coming to it. But none of these events represents the true meaning of Halloween.
So what does Hallowiener mean to Eeyore?
The true meaning of Halloween is to sit down after eating inhuman quantities of candy washed down with copious litres of Jolt or Coca Cola [I recommend at least 33 % of your body weight in a five hour time period in candy and pop] and then sit down in a dark basement and watch Wes Craven’s “The hills have eyes.” This is a movie that looks like it was made as family home vacation film. Mutants in the desert come out and attack some humble American tourists to the Nevada desert. The combination of caffeine and sugar will so severely miss-align your biochemistry, that the images from Wes Craven’s classic “will enter your peepers and go straight to the neurobiology” without so much as a check to its veracity. You will live the film. Your psychology will be permanently altered at the interstitial wiring of your neurons. You will think that you are a wild gibbon swinging in the jungle. If you recover, then you will truly know the true meaning of Halloween.
For Eeyore this is the true meaning of Halloween, forgotten in our crass attempts to once again buy into the corporate mainstream USA


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