Tangmonkey Forum

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July 2001

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In this issue:    Ash gets Artificially Intelligated!   God hates Evolution!    Sequels Worth Seeing!   PLUS:    the Passions of Batturtle,    Hamilton goes Straight to Hell,    and Craig Kilborn Must Die!
Dolphins: a batturtle rant

For the past few weeks here in Capital City, there have been more signs of Dolphins than per average. Billboards, newspapers, TV commercials, even bus advertising driving past you as you walk down the street minding your own business. Why this unwelcome onslaught on the senses at every turn you ask? The answer: an Eyemax movie about Dolphins. Thanks to this, the damnable creatures are everywhere. Having not seen the big screen fishes in all of their multiple storied glory, I can't really do a review of that. No, but I can give you a review of the species in general…a review of the species that we, the all-powerful humans have dubbed; "The Dolphin".

I hate Dolphins. That's right…I know that hate's a strong word, but it's one I freely and happily use to describe my feelings towards this wretched group of ocean dwelling annoyances. Where do they get off anyway? Scientists and people on the Discovery Channel frequently tell us of their glory and would have us believe that they're one of the smartest creatures to grace this whole wide world. Right up there with housecats, our monkey brothers and us. Yeah right, if they're so smart how come they keep getting caught in all those nets? I'm not all that smart, and I've never ever once been caught in a net! You don't see anyone devoting a bunch of National Geographic specials to me now do you?

And just imagine if these things were human. You know what they would be? Clowns. That's right… clowns. And does anyone like a clown? No. We all hate clowns and hence we should all hate dolphins. That guy at the party in a drunken stupor, telling bad jokes, nudging up against and unsuccessfully hitting on the ladies. That's a dolphin persona right there if I've ever seen one. I know that if I was a fish and a dolphin came about, I'd do everything that was in my power to avoid him.

They haven't even been in any good movies. The monkey community have King Kong and Planet of the Apes, to list a couple of many fine accomplishments. Dolphins are supposed to be smarter than monkeys…and yet what do they have to show for themselves? Flipper, starring Crocodile Dundee and a very strange film titled Zeus and Roxanne which stars Steve "will work for food" Guttenberg in a sick and twisted little tale about a Dolphin that falls in love with a dog. Gross! Is that even legal? Imagine how dumb their offspring would be. They're an embarrassment to the fish community as a whole. Such an embarrassment in fact, that they've shunned these losers of the deep and would like to have us believe that they're not fish at all but in actuality mammals. Yeah…sure they are. How many mammals do you know of that swim, breathe underwater, spend most of their time in the oceans and LOOK LIKE FISH! How stupid do they think we are? How would they like it if we took the outcasts and dregs of our world and forced them down on them? They wouldn't like that one little bit I think.

The only joy I take from Dolphins is the pleasure and taste sensation of a tasty Subway tuna sammich. Delicious Dolphiny goodness.

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