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July 2001

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In this issue:    Ash gets Artificially Intelligated!   God hates Evolution!    Sequels Worth Seeing!   PLUS:    the Passions of Batturtle,    Hamilton goes Straight to Hell,    and Craig Kilborn Must Die!
 
 
Craig Kilborn: Man or Monster?
Ash

 
Now, I'm not a particularly violent man, nor am I easily prone to fits of ill temper or overt hostility. In fact, I consider myself a fairly peaceful fellow, with a tendency to be as affable as possible to everyone I meet. So I don't think I'm out of line when I say that Craig Kilborn should be skinned and fed to pigs. It's not that I find his show particularly offensive. I mean, it's bad, with Kilborn coming off as a sort of sleazier, Bizzaro-world version of Conan O'Brian with better suits, but it's far from the worst thing out there (Judge Judy, if you're interested). No, what has my hackles raised as I write this is not the general poor quality of his show, or the usual lack of interesting guests, but in fact Kilborn himself, and his snotty Hollywood attitude. He seems perpetually oblivious to the fact that no matter how pathetic his guests are, be they the latest LA zoo-keeper with a bag of snakes or an extra from the sequel to American Pie, their fan base is exponentially bigger than his own. While this haughty attitude is present in every episode, it became especially evident when I tuned into his show to catch an appearance by the iconic face of American show-business, famed Evil Dead star Bruce Campbell. Now, Bruce had deigned to take time out of his busy schedule of being the coolest person in the entire world long enough to go on Kilborn's show to promote his new book, If Chins Could Kill, which was no doubt a ratings bonanza for Kilborn, but get this: Craig Kilborn, a man obviously considered intelligent and quick-witted enough by CBS executives to host his own show, did not know who Bruce Campbell was. I mean, how could a fully-grown man, possessed of both sight and hearing, with an IQ apparently high enough to dress himself in the mornings, not recognize the man who played Autolycles from Hercules, the titular Jack Of All Trades, Brisco County Jr., the man with the chainsaw for a hand known only as ASH!!!! For the love of Pete, this guy saved the world from the ravages of the Deadites three times! He battled vampire bats alongside Tiffany Amber Theissen! He took on the Maniac Cop! Twice! The man is a national hero, and Kilborn seems impressed that he's "working". Of course he's "working", Craig, didn't you see Army Of Darkness? The guy's got a full-time job at S-Mart and he still finds time to kill demons and appear on your crappy show. And yet, Kilborn seemed to think he was doing Bruce a favour by letting him on TV. This lack of respect for people like Bruce Campbell is endemic in our modern Western culture, symptomatic of a greater illness troubling the world. You know what the problem is? It's that today's fashioned-obsessed, consumeristic society puts too much emphasis on the glitz and glamour of celebrities and ignores the true, working class heroes that are the backbone of our great culture. We focus on the empty, shallow exploits of the Mel Gibsons, Julia Robertses, and Mother Theresas of the world, while the hard-work and endless toil of people like Bruce Campbell, who repeatedly kept hordes of possessed corpses at bay using a combination of smarmy commentary and a firm grasp of power-tool operation, goes unrewarded and unrecognized. It seems that, as a society, we are unable to look beyond the mask of celebrity to see that these people are no different than you or me. That they just play characters conceived by hack screenwriters frantically punching at random typewriter keys to finance their Vicodin addictions, that Arnold Schwarzenegger could no more save the world from a satanic Gabriel Byrne than I could ride a bicycle for more than ten minutes without suffering a massive cerebral hemorrhage. But yet we treat these actors like heroes, flocking to them on the street, demanding autographs and handshakes like they actually contributed something to our lives other than wasting my $12 at the local AMC, while Bruce Campbell, a man who actually traveled back in time to save the future from the ravages of the undead, is denied even a glimmer of recognition on a third-rate talk-show hosted by seven feet of sleazy hair and fake tan. Campbell is marginalized and ignored while a population unable to separate fact from fiction idolizes action heroes like Bruce Willis and Pierce Brosnan, simply because the characters they play seem more exciting than our dull, mundane lives. Well, this has to stop. As a civilization, we must give credit where credit is due, and since no one else seems to be taking the time to do this, I'd like to extend a global thank you to Mr. Campbell for his tireless efforts preserving the world from evil. I don't know where we'd be without you, sir, but judging from the sad display by Mr. Kilborn I saw last night, I don't think anyone would blame you if you laid down the shotgun and the chainsaw down and left the world to its own devices. A world that doesn't recognize the exploits of Earth's greatest hero doesn't deserve to be saved, and a show that doesn't know who Bruce Campbell is doesn't deserve to be watched. Hail to the king, and death to Craig Kilborn. Thank you for your time.





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