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July 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Ash gets Artificially Intelligated!   God hates Evolution!    Sequels Worth Seeing!   PLUS:    the Passions of Batturtle,    Hamilton goes Straight to Hell,    and Craig Kilborn Must Die!
Not all sequels are crap.
The Eeyore

A long time ago, oh so many issues of PULP, our editor and chief sadist asked all of the full time PULP writers for a list of our top movies in different categories. I believe [but then again my belief system has been compared to an estuary at its best and an abattoir at its worst] my choice for scariest zombie film was none other than Robert "I don't age 'cause I'm mummified" Redford's film, Ordinary People. This film should have warnings all over it. It's the type of film that could do some significant damage to a young person, in particular a male, if he was to watch the entire thing. Essentially the film is about a mother [played by Mary Tyler Moore - "you're going to make it after all"] who is a zombie, and she eventually convinces her so-called favorite son to kill himself so he can become a zombie also, but for some reason the zombification process fails and she is left with her unzombie husband and other son. The rest of the film deals with the mother zombie attempting to convince her husband and surviving son to become zombies also, but by the end of the film the father, played by Donald Sutherland, is convinced that something is not right about his wife and then the movie ends. Now, almost 30 years later the sequel to Ordinary People has been made and comes under the title of Panic. Donald Sutherland is back as the father, however, Barbara Bain [ex-wife of Martin Landau, former space boyfriend-and-girlfriend in the late 1970's sci-fi show SPACE 1999] plays the part of the zombie wife. William Macy [who ihas been type-cast as playing the part of a sad-sack-middle-class-quiet-stewing-dad - freak since Fargo] plays the surviving son all grown up and now working for his dad. In the 30 years since, Dad has been turned into a first rate zombie [many people suspect that this has happened to Donald Sutherland in real life], however, something has gone terribly wrong with the transmogrified Macy-zombie. He seeks medical aid from a psychologist played by John Ritter and hijinks ensue. The rest of the movie ends in lots of zombie shooting interspersed with a love interest. Neve Campbell [of I don't know from where, but she has a mouth that looks just like Batman's arch enemy Joker- maybe there is a future for her as the Joker's daughter], who shows her entire nekkidity to Macy. Unfortunately, Macy upstages Jokeria and we never see her true acting essence, and thus cannot make any pronouncement on her acting ability. Sometimes I get the feeling that the Holy Land only makes sequels to sucker in the mindless masses and divest them of their wealth for a view of all of the floor cuttings from the original film, but in this case the wait was worth it in order to produce a quality art product for those with savvy and savoir faire - hey how come Willis hasn't made a new Die Hard?

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