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 That's Not What Your Sister Said!              
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August 2002
 Sphera Software was created by friend of Tangmonkey.com Shawn Henry, with help from myself and web guru Dave, to develop new software for Mac OS X. We are all students, and your support is appreciated. If you download and enjoy one of our games, it can be purchased for a very reasonable fee. Not only will registering open up more features, it will allow us to continue making great software. August 8/2002 (9:54 AM) ~ posted by Sean Eight months ago, I was waiting in line to see Fellowship of the Ring. Not some big overnight line, of course, just a queue inside Montreal's Paramount Cinema. Behind some Elves. The people ahead of us, you see, had let their excitement get the most of them, and had succumbed to that geek urge to buy chainmail and pointy ears. I and my friends, on the other hand, had not succumbed to said urge: resistance required a few stout drinks, sure, but at least we weren't seen with cloaks and mithril crowns on national television. (Not that we'd be embarassed to be seen with cloaks and mithril crowns. But our girlfriends would.) Anyway, as we waited in line I observed a poster for the then-upcoming Dana Carvey film, Master of Disguise. It showed the erudite Mr Carvey pretending to be, I believe, a fire hydrant. My sides did not split with laughter. I pointed out the ad to Neale, whose sides also neglected to split. "Looks bad," he said. I agreed. But then I began to casually wonder... What if Master of Disguise turns out to be absolute genius? "Bear with me here," I said. "It's near-impossible, sure, but wouldn't it be astounding if this movie - promoted by means of an SNL-alumnus in funny goggles and a sponge hat - actually finished up as a work of comedic gold? If Carvey's shenanigans were so subtly timed, so perfectly scripted, that this otherwise inane-seeming work was revealed as a wonder of satire, physical comedy, wit and repartee? If it was a new Harvey, or Rushmore. Maybe a Good Morning, Vietnam for the new millenium! Dana Carvey is finally allowed to blossom as an artist, mining the depths of human pathos and irony, demonstrating, through Master of Disguise many subtle new facets of the human condition and its comedo-tragedy?" "Wouldn't that be incredible?" I think that we can all agree that yes, it would be. And now, many months later, the film has opened, and my idle December fantasy has been shown to be as in-credible as I had suggested. Because from what I hear, the movie sucks. A lot. Um. A lot a lot. "Despite all evidence to the contrary, [Master of Disguise] has somehow managed to pose as an actual feature movie, the kind that charges full admission and gets hyped on TV and purports to amuse small children and ostensible adults." [The Globe & Mail]Well. I guess I was wrong. But I've got my fingers crossed for Dumb and Dumber 2: The Early Years. August 6/2002 (9:08 AM) ~ posted by Sean The New York Times has a fascinating article [free reg. req'd] on the art - and craft - of making movie trailers. While it's likely the absurd marketing bonanza you anticipate, there's also a measure of subtle tweaking and masterful, hair-thick adaptation. [Art] Mondrala is huddled over his computer, just as he has been since October. He has been working 60-hour weeks cutting the previews for just one movie: Signs. ... The sum total of Mondrala's work in all this time has been to edit not only the official 150-second trailer for the film, but also a pair of shorter-format "teasers" and a 30-second TV spot that was shown during the Super Bowl. Nine months of work, for less than six minutes of footage.Besides the glare of the Marketing Director however, it's still not just fun and games: there are precise requirements to be fulfilled, from the studio and from the MPAA: "You have trouble even including the word 'drugs,'" he says. "It was a real problem with the trailer we cut for 'Traffic,' which of course was all about drugs."Writing this post, I'm struck by the parallel between this and Mondrala's job. Distilling an article to its fascinating, enticing bits - but carefully, so as not to give the whole thing away. From a world where NOTHING is clear, comes an ARTICLE whose ESSENCE will help you understand... While you're busy in trailer-think, read about one-man-industry Don La Fontaine, the man who looks like your hawaiian-shirt-wearing uncle, and whose voice you know better than your own. He is Mr. Voice, the Man With The Golden Larynx, he who is chauffered around Hollywood, recording sixty spots a week, layering his basso rumble over surfer-girl shenanigans and end-of-the-world montages. He is "a millionaire... several times over". When asked if he does anything special for his voice, [Don] replies, "I don't abuse it. I don't smoke and I don't drink too much. I don't go places where I have to shout and scream. But I don't wrap stuff around my throat or drink tea either."So do we, Don. So do we. August 5/2002 (9:25 PM) ~ posted by JP I was talking to the cabbie on the way home from the train station today and he was telling me about the job. He works 10 hours a day starting at 7pm each night, 7 days a week. He finally gets to sleep at maybe 7am and then he's up at noon to take care of the kids for 4 hours, then an hour nap and back to work for 7pm. Again, he does this every-single-day. God. He said he makes average $5 an hour when he factors in his costs ($100 a day for the car and gas). Fortunately he has the good sense to take a month's vacation each year. Ugh. There's a reason to get an education if I ever heard one. Oh yeah, I was househunting in TO this weekend, I'm writting my column now, it'll be up in a couple of hours. August 4/2002 (9:31 PM) ~ posted by Sean Tangmonkey's music reviews will now appear individually, several times a week, rather than in one big clump on Monday. The tentative schedule is Monday/Wednesday/Saturday. The Editors of the Food, Music, Comics and Books sections are looking for new writers who wish to contribute, regularly or irregularly. Contact the respective editors if you're interested. We want people who love the subjects - be it for reviews or just general thoughts. August 2/2002 (12:35 AM) ~ posted by Sean  So here we are, a pseudo-redesign later, tuckered out but lookin' pretty. There aren't that many visible changes - a twist here, a twast there - but on the whole, everything should be more easily found, the important content should be more visibly showcased, and from a behind-the-scenes point-of-view, things are noticeably tidier.We still have a few more tweaks to do - they'll be incorporated as they're ready - but in the mean time, look around, let us know if you find anything amiss, and revel in the clear, fuzzy coherent not-so-mess that is tangmonkey.com. JP and I are dead tired - we've been working too long - so we are now going to go to sleep. Not together. Apart. Not that there's anything wrong with that. |
Remember back when inventor (and founder of the U.S. FIRST Robotics Competition) Dean Kamen unveiled his supposed revolutionary invention, the Segway scooter? Remember it being a huge dissapointment? After more than a year of hype and testimonials from everyone from Steve Jobs to Jeff Bezos that indicated a groundbreaking development, a simple little scooter was simply underwhelming. Cool, yes. Very cool, but I still don't understand who would buy one. Bigger than the internet it is not.
I've fastened my egyptian beetle-garments, I've zipped my zippers: in short, I'm ready to go. My sojourn will take me far, far away - to lands of grass, tree and lake - but it will only be for a short while, so please don't trash the place. If you're good, I promise to bring you back a present.
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