March 2001

March 30/2001 (4:21 PM) ~ posted by Sean
Who is responsible for this!?

I presume that a number of you watched the Oscars this week. I didn't. I'll consent that I sort of wanted to, but when I ventured into the TV Room I discovered that it was already being utilized - namely, to watch True Lies. Oh well - I am no slave to television! I merely read the post-mortem synopses on the Internet. (Click here to shutdown.) As you may have heard, Russel Crowe won, as did some other people, but we don't care about them. Quote of the evening? "I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized why: They're crouching and hidden."

What would I have picked for Best Picture? "Da Hip Hop Witch". Obviously.

Britney Spears has some new commercial or something. Ho hum. What's positively alarming however is her 'Commercial Diary'. Every sentence she writes ends in an exclamation mark! Really! No, honestly, I mean it! Well, maybe not quite all... But horrifyingly close! A choice example: "Then back to shooting (film that is!) Just a few takes and we’re done! It went great and I think it was the easiest 2 days ever!" Yeah, if I was in a room with you, I'd love to shoot you, Britney. (Film that is!)

Okay, enough misogyny. Actually, no, misogyny requires further comment. The Tangmonkey Forum is rife with a debate about the merits (or lack thereof) that women possess, and how to, er, possess them for yourself. Some contributors have conducted scientific studies, whereas other individuals - completely unknowing of the debate at hand - have posted similar (albeit more sex-starved) comments in other places. If you ask me, the solution is simple - and is one that I outlined in an earlier post. Learn to dance. For those of you who didn't catch on last time, this time I've got a new tutorial. There's also, of course, the option of actually respecting women... Naw. That can't work.

Okay, moving on. Apparently there's some antagonism going on at the Vatican. It's probably not helped by the involvement of the world's most inaptly named Cardinal, or his friend James (who gives new meaning to being 'kissed by God'). Do we need Mr. T to take out the trash? (Thanks to Zero Method.)

In 'already forgotten about that news-story news', they've apparently figured out what IT is. Also, an Australian rugby player stuck his finger up three guys' anuses. (oh god... i just stumbled upon video footageThat sucks. Well, there are worse things. What's happened to nosepilot, for instance. Or being home-schooled. Or regularly being attacked by a mysterious assailant who criticizes all of your work. Yeah. I hate it when that happens.

Finally: Assembler.org. The Web's coolest place, and a healthy alternative to watching Survivor.

PS: As always, if you are interested in writing a weekly review/column for Tangmonkey, please email me.
 

March 28/2001 (12:11 AM) ~ posted by Sean
You boys and girls have got to help me. The Count (Mackenzie Larwill that is - VP in charge of Swarms) is on a rampage. He's really, really upset, and I'm scared that he's going to kill me.

It all stems from the Tangmonkey Forum, you see. This Poetry and Philosophy section was set up, with me as its 'moderator', and now it seems to be the only section that anyone's regular contributing to any more. While on the one hand I could throw back my head and cackle maniacally at the power that this affords me (I am, after all, Moderator of the Most Important Section of the Tangmonkey Forum), on the other paw, well... the irony of active Tangmonkey intelligentsia is just killing Mac, and the result is that he's after my head. No, seriously. Mac's currently trying to rip off my face and thrust icicles through my eyes, all under the pretense that "Tangmonkey's not about Donne and the evolution of morality, dammit, it's about swarms!" So please, if anyone's listening out there, either post in a forum besides "Poetry and Philosophy", or post tons more in there, so that I will be undefeatable. Please god!

ps- that "please god" comment was merely a plea for some deity to please allow me to overcome this horrible illness that I am afflicted with due to an irrational attraction to three girls, nick nolte, and a film about cape breton.

... oh, ok, fine. you want a link? fine. check this out.
 

March 27/2001 (10:27 AM) ~ posted by Ash
You know what's really pathetic? Being suicidal and broke at the same time. You end up not being able to afford razor blades and try to slit your wrists with the TV guide or peices of a broken CD case, or being too afraid to stick your head in the oven because you might bugger it up and get stuck with the gas bill at the end of the month. What's the point of all this? Well, the point is that Ash has suffered a complete nervous breakdown, causing him to refer to himself in the third person, which has directly led to him breaking three fingers on his right hand while beating up a brick wall. This makes it slightly difficult for him to type, so there's a possiblilty that PULP might be slightly delayed this month. On the plus side, that means that if PULP does make it out on time, it will no doubt be extremely hostile and hateful, which makes for an exciting issue. In the meantime, I suggest that all PULPhead(s) make do with the deleted scenes page.
 

March 26/2001 (11:24 AM) ~ posted by Ash
The rest of the PULP deleted scenes page is up. Along with the lovely movie review page, there's a lot of mail from AIRDUCT HQ, and a charming peice of hate mail from PULP's first print run.
 

March 26/2001 (10:02 AM) ~ posted by Sean
There are numerous signs that this week may be the beginning of the Apocalypse. A heightened tendency to fight with people you don't want to be fighting with; Me feeling horribly sick; My Philosophy class being cancelled after I dragged myself out of bed and down the street; Gladiator winning an Oscar; The trampling of four people in a stampede to see British boy-band A1; a Taiwanese man lighting himself on fire in order to avoid being hit by Mir wreckage; and, last but not least, the sudden appearance of Apocamon. Featured at left is The Lamb; that is, the "only creature in the universe capable of opening the Seven Seals." I'm not really sure if the site's creators are mocking fundamentalist Christians or not, but to be honest, fundamentalist Christians leave themselves wide open.

Speaking of relentless, single-minded, cult-like devotion, some of you may know that I am a huge fan of the Apple Macintosh. I mean, what's not to like about a company that employs Aimee Mann, George Clinton, Liz Phair, De La Soul and Ziggy Marley to promote their computers. As for those of you who declare that Macs are the spawn of the Devil, you couldn't be more wrong! Even the leaders of the Church of Satan enjoy their one-button mice. Tony Hawk, Tim Allen, Roger Ebert, Michael Crichton, Danny Elfman, Moby, Chuck D, and, well, Sinbad, are also on board. For the record, Julia Child owns a Dell.

All right, I'll stop talking about computers.

By now you've all read my Dave Matthews Band Odyssey. I'm still waiting to hear back from the guy, at which point I'll update the whole narrative. In the mean time, however, behold: a columnist for the definitive DMB fan site, also despises Everyday. Poor Dave. Oh well, he could stage a come-back, I suppose, if he learned how to dance... Or perhaps Tunak could teach him some funky moves.

Now before I go off to scarf down some Halls' and a club soda, I'll rattle off a few new neat things. Firstly, here is an article about the recent violence in the States, commenting on the fact that all of the perpetrators in these shootings have been white. It's interesting reading, but also interesting has been the response from the Black community. They are (rightfully) surprised that a Caucasian columnist has had the chutzpa to write such a potentially inflammatory piece.

Wish you were famous? Well, you could - like the 'Loop Monkey' - spend all of your free time riding on the Penn State Loop with a stuffed primate. Or you could relate the tales of your childhood experiences without Uma Thurman. You could create a bizarre, hypnotic hybrid of South Park and Star Wars, or, if pressed, you could become aware of the fluidity of social identities, much like Michel Foucault did, and hope that you'll be immortalized in an action figure or trading card.

Finally, to truly earn the respect and awe of myself, you could program some batshit crazy webpage that guesses the name of any Dictator or Sitcom Character you throw at it. I mean holy fuck, it figured out Uncle Jesse (Full House), Disco Stu (The Simpsons), Mona (Who's The Boss), and Bill Clinton. It's almost enough to make me want to be a programmer.

Almost.

PS: As always, if you are interested in writing a weekly review/column for Tangmonkey, please email me.
 

March 25/2001 (4:48 PM) ~ posted by Ash
Well, it's Oscar night, but before I head off to waste my time watching worthless art movies steal awards that by rights should have gone to Dracula 2000, I'd like to draw your attention to a couple of things. First off the PULP deleted scenes page is up, with a couple of cut movie reviews by myself and others. There will be more content up either today or tomorrow, which is guaranteed to knock your socks off. Also, music fans have plenty to look forward to in the coming months. Not only is there an upcoming show by rock legends Crankenstein on April 13 at Le Bar St. Laurent, but there's an upcoming double live album by every PULP fan's favorite band, Danzig. Stay tuned here for more details. Yeah! Rock!
 

March 22/2001 (8:36 PM) ~ posted by JP

Pictured at left is an E-Meter, that is, the machine that allows Scientologists like John Travolta to decide how holy they are, and whether or not they're going to ascend to a higher level of consciousness. How do they do this? I believe they stick their fingers in those weird cylindrical things, and then let themselves be fleeced by greedy, amoral Scientologists who give them religious advice by giving them L. Ron Hubbard sci-fi novels to read. The end result is a brainwashed, semi-comatose state in which celebrities find themselves appearing - nay, producing - films like Battlefield Earth, with nary an inkling of how horribly, horribly bad the movie actually is.

God bless em.

I could also swear that I read on an official page somewhere that Scientologists lend their internal energies to L. Ron Hubbard (RIP) so that he can defeak Arazak or some other Great Demon of the Galaxy.

Perhaps I was hallucinating.

I'm afraid today's post is low on crazyhumour and high on actual readable content. Call it a bad week.

Whether you agree that it has succeeded or not, TANGMONKEY.COM styles itself as a Media Empire and, as such, as a 'content provider'. Right now the Internet's primary content providers are suffering a shake-down, much like other virtual ventures. It takes money to run a website with regular content updates, and even more money if you have a zillion visitors to support. Over at Slashdot (haven for the Web intelligentsia), there's an interesting discussion going down on possible frameworks/business-plans for content sites on the Net. If such things bore you, you can always head down to rotten.com and look at Chris Farley's bloated, purple corpse.

To continue on the subject of successful, entertaining content sites, MetaFilter turned two this weekend. Hooray! For those of you who aren't familiar with MetaFilter, let's just say it's a site from which I glean many of my little gems.

Take a Penny, Leave a Penny is another neat concept for a replenishing content site. I just wonder how long it will take for the pornsites to take undue advantage.

It seems the Antichrist has arrived. Who'd have thunk it. My question is "Why does Apple keep making such fucking great computers if it's the Time of Ending?" For that matter, why do they make such great aquaria?

And yes, "aquaria" is the plural of "aquarium". If you didn't know that, not to worry. You're not the only person who has trouble coping with sentences. The Internet does too.

Music stuffs: Moby and Daft Punk have a conversation. Olivia Newton-John's Physical was #1, the day I was born. (Check for yourself.) And Radiohead's Amnesiac was previewed.

What do you get when you ask a bazillion intellectuals about future trends and the things that will most affect our lives in the next ten years? Well, this. What do you get when you ask some morons to devise the worst possible website they possibly can? Well, this.

Experts Exchange bought the URL for their company and set up their site without thinking about possible misinterpretations. What, don't understand? Let me spell it out for you: EXPERTSEXCHANGE.COM. Follow me? Well don't get too close.

And finally, in closing, I bring you the piece de resistance: the documented story of my Dave Matthews Band Odyssey - my narrative of the perils of writing an object DMB review in a forum accessible by rabid Dave fans.

Yep, I'm in a bit of a flame-war. Who's winning? Who do you think? (hoohoohoohahahaha)

Yes, the woman on the left, thrusting her hand in a powerful magical gesture, is a succubus. The man she seduced was never heard of again. Prowling the Earth, these voluptuous vixens are really demonic forces, joined in their mission by the manly Incubi. It's hard to figure out who's a demon and who's just a pulp contributor. It's far easier to detect who is definitely not a soul-eating demon. Mario Discordia, for instance, who "enjoy[s] being called Mario because [he] take[s] [his] gaming so seriously". He's also a loser.

It sucks being despised and derided by the entire world, but I think that such a position depends a lot on outlook. There's a man in Washington D.C., for instance, who jogs around the city, all seasons of the year, wearing nothing but a teensy-weensy speedo swimsuit. Rather than being the object of hatred and satire, Speedo Man has become a municipal hero, worshipped by... well, at least a few people.

Let's try to figure out who else is a loser. In Bogota, Colombia, men are losers. Courtney Love is a loser, because Buddyhead (a music gossip site) has released her home phone number. All of the many, many victims of hackers are losers. Jack Chick, despite writing unintentionally hilarious ignorant fundamental comic-strip dogma ("Since all the protons in the nucleus are positively charged, they should repel each other and scatter into space") about the falsity of evolution, and the terrible perils of Dungeons and Dragons, is also a homophobic, xenophobic ass-hole, and thus... a loser. What's scary is that people believe these SOBs.

Timothy Allen Campbell, from what I can gather from his website, suffered some work-related accident. He got all worked up and sent some misspelled letters to Bill Clinton, whining about how Ross Parole [sic] or Timothy Allen Campbell should be president. Then he saw Jesus. This of course led to his development of the Gospel of Timothy, the ensuing Gospel of Timothy Theme Song, and the declaration that December 25th is Satan's Day. Yeah. He's a loser.

You already knew Leonardo DiCaprio was a loser. He's especially a loser in Afghanistan, however.

Some people aren't losers, though. They're winners. The Group (mostly JP) have been talking with some talented comic artists, some of whom we may soon get on board as part of the site. Mike Serra, for instance, is truly a man after my own taste. Whether intentionally or not, his strip even references the Saurus.

All right. Let's change subjects. Here's the obligatory All Your Base Are Belong To Us rip-off... but this one's actually a neat combination of two virulent internet memes... all we need is some IT thrown in there: Am I ALL YOUR BASE or NOT?

This is an interview with the super-duper Phantom Tollbooth author, Norton Juster...

Have you heard? Math and Physics are screwed. (Note that even I did not really understand this article.)

RIP Timmy Big Hands... although their archives are still hysterical.

Think your engineering class does good pranks? Check out MIT.

This is why being a music reporter would be cool (besides the free CDs).

And finally.... Britney's Guide to Semiconductor Physics. Yes. That Britney.
 

March 14/2001 (11:40 PM) ~ posted by Ash
The new PULP has been out for about a week, and I've been getting some feedback, mostly in a vaguely positive, although not too glowing way. But what I'm really looking for is something that has bite. While there has been some negative stuff said about PULP posted in the forums, there seems to be a widespread fear that I'll hurt anyone who dares trash my zine. Let me assure you that while I am on Proxinitrate to control my sociopathic tendencies, I'm on a much stronger dose of Valium to battle the inevitable depression that results from being a genius surrounded by half-wits and degenerates, so the odds are much higher that I'll kill myself before I get any of you. So please, feel free to post stuff about PULP here.
 

March 14/2001 (9:37 PM) ~ posted by JP
I have no idea what the hell this is but it's weird and funny, who would have thought it would end up here. Tokyo Breakfast.
 

March 14/2001 (1:27 AM) ~ posted by Peter
Well well well, my first post here at Tangmonkey yep I sure am special, thats for sure. So as I can see you are all drooling with anticipanti- well I'll stop building it up since this is probably going to be between two of Sean's HUGE posts, lucky me. So you guys and gals out there may remember a comic a while ago that Sean linked to saying I liked it. Well I still do, so you should visit it, look through the archives at the comic a bit for Devil Puppet. Luckily there is little order to it, so it's easy to get into. It's called Sinfest and it's funny. Moving on I more want to talk about another comic called Avalon, this one is more Drama than punchline, but still funny. But it's a story with many twists and turns. It is very good though. But since it's a story YOU MUST READ FROM THE BEGINNING. you will have no idea what's going on otherwise. That's alot of reading, but hopefully someone out there will have the patience. Just make sure you read the comics week by week to start off with, it will be much faster. It's called Avalon. Oh yeah and it's Canadian too. And mentions the Ottawa Senators a fair amount. Who happen to be at the top of eastern conference right now. And have beaten the Leafs at every meeting I think, I could be mistaken. I'll try to keep this rate of putting posts up, so I'll talk to you all again soon. (HA!)

;     

MC Hawking in da House. (Eminem is an asshole hatemonger)

Good afternoon to you all.

It seems I do have fans. Some are batshit crazy ("AM I YOUR FAN? well you bet your arse i am... i say "i love you" then clentch my buttcheeks... IM A WEASLE!!! OWWWW OWW OW!!!!!!!!!!!"), some are normal (...oh wait, I accidentally trashed that guy's email. Screw that.), some are delightful, attractive, and invite me to spend time at their coughboyfriend'scough cottage ("you are such a sweetie!!"). If I don't start getting more stuff posted here, though, I anticipate that I'll lose them. I have thirty-three links archived, ready to post and discuss. I've also got a piece on its way about, well, the dangers of upsetting Dave Matthews fans. What's more, there's various new sections I'm trying to get off the ground, as well as at least two, count-em', two people who have emailed me with an interest in writing a column. Incidentally, if you would like to join that lucky pair and start writing a weekly piece for the Big Orange Site, or if you've got ideas for stuff to include as part of the in-development Official Ice-Cream Fan Club, email me for god's sake.

Anyway, I might as well start. Neale bitches at me if my posts go on too long, so I'll try to keep it brief.

Are you a Nepalese virgin who would like to spend a decade being worshipped as a goddess? Click here. Perhaps you'd rather enter a certain celebrity's head, later ending up on the New Jersey turnpike.

Maybe you're too frightened by recent news events, or too disturbed (like me) by some of the FrEaKs WhO LiKe ***TaNgMoNkEY.CoM~*. Maybe you're nuts with the excitement of the new REM, Sigur Ros, Cake, Radiohead, Beta Band, Beck, Coldplay/At the Drive In, Ben Folds, Jeff Mangum (of Neutral Milk Hotel), Mirah, Massive Attack, Pulp, Travis, Sloan, Belle and Sebastian, and Weezer albums that are expected this year.

Maybe you're upset about Napster's woes. Carolyn Borders, a 65-year-old Napster user from Michigan, certainly is. "Most of the songs I had were real oldies," she says, "I wasn't going for the hip-hop or the bebop or the loud rock music." Well thank god. We all know that the real piracy criminals are Miles Davis and the rest of those fans of Charlie Parker-era jazz. Not to worry though, Carolyn. Some savvy Canadian's takin' Napster to an off-shore data haven, where the RIAA will only be able to attack him using helicopters and pirate ships. Arr! (exclamation mark!)

Are you one of those people who is mourning the fact that Badly Drawn Boy and Low were featured in Gap ads? Well, they're not alone. But then, changing the world ain't what it used to be.

A definitive sign that the downfall of humanity is on its way: the cast of the new Scooby Doo movie.

Remember those paper phones I told you about? Apparently they work!

And finally.... Want to be wowed? Go to this page, let the whole thing load (it may take a while, and the page will still turn out blank) and then view its source code (look in your 'View' menu). Art? Or just a tee-hee delightful waste of time?

Was that brief enough, Neale? Probably not. Did it need more lingerie-clad babes holding resin products? The jury's still out on that one.

Expect another post soon.

I was told today that I've got some "fans". This is very strange. I have never had fans before. In fact, it's likely I don't have any now - the person who told me that was probably lying. If I did have fans, maybe they'd email me every so often, to let me know they love me. I love email. I love being loved. These things can go hand in hand. Please? Please, someone show me you care?

It also seems that people question how I could positively find such terrific links. What's the answer? I don't find these links. I've hired monkeys to find such websites for me. This explains how I can inform you about such cool things as What It's Like To Live on Guam, while still having the time to act in plays, attend concerts (or, more accurately, get disappointed when freakin' Coldplay concerts are cancelled), go to class, write stories, listen to music, and do macho non-geek activities such as keeping up-to-date on the Lord of the Rings movies.

With that interim explanation out of the way, let's get down to business.

What do the words smile, poo, man, and planet have in common? If you were a web-scouring monkey with the habit of randomly picking words or phrases and tagging ".com" onto the end, you'd have discovered that all of those words lead to the same website. Namely, some bizarre, non-corporate-branded chatroom. What makes the whole smile-poo-man-planet conspiracy weirder is that you choose your handle by putting that in the URL. That is, if you punch http://ILoveSean.smile.com into your browser, you'll enter the chatroom as "ILoveSean".

I know what you're thinking: "Who cares about chat rooms! I'm not interested in cybersex!" And that's probably true. But what about beastiality? The author of that article, Peter Singer, is a really cool animal rights activist (no, seriously, he is cool; we learned about him in class) who wrote the seminal philosophical work, "Animal Rights". He's loved by some, hated by others, but it seems he's also pretty well informed on the matter of having sex with hens. At least from a scholarly standpoint.

Speaking of scholarly, ever heard of Kim Jong II? No? Well, he's king of North Korea. Join his Fan Club.

Sometimes you bump into the strangest sites. Monkeefans for Christ, for instance. Not that Christians are strange, but the juxtaposition of the Church and, well, the Monkees, doesn't quite click for me, even after reading the parable about when Mickey, Davy, Peter and Mike met Jesus. But then, lots of things don't click. Like why the Picture of the Year is a dog with wheels, or how roly-poly Frankie Andollo convinced the Mayor of Miami to declare an official "Nintendo Fun Day"

Maybe it's because I'm mentally unstable and the Stop Depression Center webpage is so horrendous that it can throw me into a depression. Or maybe it's because I can't make decisions without this oddly captivating race between Yes and No.

Or perhaps, and this is most likely, I'm still reeling from finding out that someone is married to the Berlin Wall. Boy, that marriage must be falling apart! Ha. Ha ha. er. Ha.

I know I posted a big long thingummy just a few days ago, but I figure that the (~100) people who visit the page daily would appreciate and benefit from yet more ranting and raving from Moby's favourite 80%-female boy. Not that Moby actually particularly likes me. In fact, he probably doesn't know who I am. The reason I make a link to his website is not because I am insanely crazy about him (although he's pretty neat, he's no Gomez), but rather because it seems he has a daily diary and a habit of actually updating it regularly, with honest, interesting, and good-natured comments. Granted, it could be his publicist who's writing it, but would his publicist demand that Ricky Martin admit George W. Bush smells like brimstone and is the spawn of Satan?

Probably not.

Speaking of Dubya, everyone knows that he's got a nickname or six (viz. Dubya, Junior, Dumb-Ass, and, well, Spawn of Satan, apparently). But were you aware that Chief economic adviser Lawrence Lindsey is called "Thunderbolt", Dick Cheney is the ironic "Big Time" (see, it's ironic because he actually lost the presidential race), and that Dallas County Judge Lee Jackson is "Action Jackson"? If you didn't, you better get readin', Tangmeister! Also, if you happen to be a webmaster for MSNBC, you should know that your site has been hacked into, and a fake story about the USA's new faith-based missile defense shield has been posted. Ha ha! You suck! Besides, even if the story was true, we Canadians wouldn't be worried.We're gonna kick all of yer asses! (Note that I abstained from tagging that line with the expected "eh" that would have been both ironic [In an Alanis, who is also Canadian, kind of way] and not-at-all -funny.)

Anyway, apart from my aforementioned femininity and... er... big dong, it seems I have something new to be proud about. Apparently, I am a New Aquarian. According to the Environics Personality Test this means that, like Rage Against the Machine and Sarah McLachlan (!?), I am a Hedonist with a Contempt for Authority who also believes that "There is no being, only becoming". Does this explain why I find balls.com both surreal and dirty? Maybe it's because I've had a crisis of faith. Someone buy me a Chief Rabbi action figure.