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April 2001

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In this issue:    Eeyore Takes on Easter!    Ash Gets Spicy!    Crankenstein Returns!    PLUS: St. Irish Day!    And an honest to goodness REAL MOVIE REVIEW!

Has Steve Martin always been old? I mean, I remember seeing clips of him on Saturday Night Live when I was a little kid & he looks exactly the same as he does now. How does he do it? Someone should look into this. But I digress.

Another Oscar season has come and gone. And for the umpteenth year in a row, Bruce Campbell was ignored for the Best Actor category. Sure, nay-sayers could point out that Bruce didn't do a big screen feature in 2000. But, I'm more of a glass half-full kind of chap. And, I think that Jack of All Trades was such breakthrough television that it should smash down those pesky boundaries and be considered a big screen motion picture. Who are they to judge art in such a strictly confining way?

This is the organization that would lead us to believe that Kevin Costner could possibly be the top of his field. Although I don't have the facts sitting in front of me right at the moment, I'm pretty sure that there was at least one other movie released with an actor in it in the year that Dances with Wolves came out. Which means that there is no mathematically possible way that he was the best actor for those 12 months. OK...stop the presses folks. I just did some in depth research & discovered that Kevin Costner's stupid dancing western came out the same year as Darkman, Edward Scissorhands, Tremors AND Delta Force 2! Clearly there's some kind of conspiracy going on. There's no way that anyone could think that some Costner vehicle is better than those classics. Did you realize that Sam Raimi's never even been nominated for best director!?! What the hell ?! He got Katie Holmes to do a topless scene, people! What more could you possibly want out of him? Not since Charlie Chaplin was run out of town for being a commie has there been a greater tragedy.

But, I guess you can't change the past, so let's discuss the Oscars that have just passed. The highlight of the evening had to be the lack of musical numbers. Thank god that someone down there in Hollywood has finally come to their senses and realized that no one likes a musical. Especially if it's a bunch of ballet dancers dressed as cops and drug smugglers, representing best picture nominee Traffic. The other thing that was pleasantly lacking was Whoopi Goldberg. Let her stick with dinosaur cop movies and cameos in Rocky & Bullwinkle-type movies. I think that the world has to live through too much hardship and pain for a billion or so of its occupants to sit down for the evening to be faced with the horrors of Whoopi dressed as Queen Elizabeth.

In a real surprise, the best documentary (which is French for "moving pictures that no one cares to see") went to...uhh...some guy. Or maybe some girl. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention to that segment. I think that at that point we were discussing how cool it is to throw super balls off high places (there's nothing better). In another big surprise, some actress that nobody's ever heard of, who's starring in a movie that no one will ever see, won herself a Best Supporting Actress statue. They might as well have given the thing to me...it would've meant about as much to the viewing audience (Oscar Viewer#1: "Why did that guy win best supporting actress?" Oscar Viewer#2: "Uhh...I dunno...pass the nachos."). Surprise #3: Steven Soderbergh won best director honours for Traffic. He was nominated twice this year (his other nomination was for A Civil Action), and he's directed excellent movies that have flopped such as Out of Sight and The Limey. So I'm happy about that award...no, really...I'm not being sarcastic.

In closing, everything else was pretty much the way everyone thought it would go. Julia won for best actress (which is nice 'cause she's been having such a rough time with things lately). Benicio Del Toro (a.k.a. Benny The Bull) won. Russell Crowe won best actor and his brother Cameron Crowe won best screenplay. Which marks the first time ever that brothers have won in the same year. Russell thanked his mom & dad, but neglected to thank one Mr. Sam Raimi, who only taught him everything he knew while on the set of Quick & the Dead. Very selfish of him. And, as predicted by most, Gladiator was heralded as best picture (although I guess the director, screenwriters, composer, supporting actor, actress & others could have tried harder...they didn't win nothin').

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