Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp

April 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Eeyore Takes on Easter!    Ash Gets Spicy!    Crankenstein Returns!    PLUS: St. Irish Day!    And an honest to goodness REAL MOVIE REVIEW!
Don't cross me - crucify the crow

To crucify
I crucify
you crucify
he crucifies
we crucify

Once again, the crucifixion season is upon us as is the festival of chocolate Jesus bunnies . Keeping with the spirit of the season, I believe it is time for some true confessions. Back in issue #39 volume #02 (Ah! It's so sweet to belong to such an ancient and staid rag o' wisdom); I gave what Ash assumed to be a positive review of Gladiator, but in the true Eeyore tradition I believe my rating was - "sort of okay".

Now is the time to display my movie rating scale. Being the eternal caring-misanthropic optimist, I will begin with the strongest Eeyore endorsement and then work my way to the point of eternal uselessness or what I sometimes think of as "not so good".

The Scheme:

1. Sort of passable and does not cause nausea or other ailments such asbackache.
2. Bile-like yet does register as having plot or character development.
3. Beyond the standard and non-standard Anglo-Saxon expletives.
4. Breakfast may return again.
5. The thing that exists deep inside of a dying wiener dog's alimentarycanal.

Now for my true confession:

I felt no nausea the first time I watched Gladiator. However, upon waiting a few weeks and watching it again one week prior to the Oscars, I had to give up! I used the fast forward on my remote [praise the evil techno-overlords for designing such a God-like device] as a real time editing machine. Using this technique, I was able to transmogrify the specious into magnificent artifice that unfortunately only lasted for 12 minutes.

The new movie that I single handedly [I use one hand for the remote unlike this new generation that has to do it double handed] created, is one of high art and touches on Sartre's existentialist outlook, in particular when Crowe does poetry with the short sword. Ah ...tranquil moments in cinema. However, the real question must be asked: Who took what was potentially one of the most meaningful pieces of cinematic "slash and cut" poetry and turned it into a puerile dribblefest! I think the time is ripe and in keeping with the spirit of the Romans [who we must thank for inventing such a creative means of execution] that a crucifixion night should immediately follow the Oscars. I know who I would vote for crucifixion...after Julia Roberts.

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