Tangmonkey Forum

Submit to pulp







September 2001

Download the word version, perfect for printing and handing out on street corners!
In this issue:    Thora Birchophilia!     Fun on a Budget!     Ricky Martin: Fact or Fiction?     PLUS: God Hates PULP! , Batturtle Reviews movies that don't exist! and The Attack of Coffin Joe!.
 
 
Introduction from Ash


 
So once again, gentle reader, our electronic paths cross. Much has changed since last we met. The new school year has started, PULP's schedule has been reset, and terrorists, in a cold, calculating attack on all that we hold dear, ruthlessly attacked an innocent field in Pennsylvania, as well as some buildings in New York and Washington. Naturally, no self-respecting e-zine could ignore such an important and controversial subject, but since anything I could possibly say would no doubt result in a flurry of hate-mail from all over the world, I'm going to ignore the touchy subject of PULP's rescheduling and focus instead on the terrorist actions. Now, I know it's a sensitive issue, and that many are calling for sanity and pacifism to combat the lunatic violence of the terrorists, but in such a brazen attack on humanity as a whole, there's no room whatsoever for sanity. I mean, invading Afghanistan to execute Bin Laden and depose the government responsible for harboring him, that just makes too much sense, which, as the completely senseless actions of these terrorists have shown, doesn't get you anywhere. Instead of that entirely too logical action, I figure they should just go ahead and nuke the whole continent. Honestly, Asia has caused us nothing but trouble over the past hundred or so years, from the Russians in the 60s to Japan in World War 2 to whatever the hell the Chinese are up to, not to mention the Vietnam War and all that godawful Thai food they sell at Noodles and More up my street that gives me the runs. And while we're blowing up a continent, I've never been all that fond of Europe to begin with, plus it's full of French people, who are kind of like terrorists. Africa's always kind of irritated me as well, but they're way too hungry to attack anything but UN workers, so we can just let their crippling debt load finish them off. I've always been suspicious of South and Central America, however, and while they may have no direct connection to Bin Laden's network, their vague pigmental resemblance to Arabs is more than enough to justify a full out nuclear strike. Australia is far too backward and drunk on Fosters to cause much trouble, so they're fine, leaving only Antarctica, which, I believe, is technically owned by numerous different countries, several of which are not the US, making it a prime hiding ground for international terrorist cells. Also, penguins make great biological weapons. Yes, it will be a long and costly war against terrorism, but at least once we're done we won't have to put up with that multiculturalism crap any longer. I'd write more, further clarifying why mass genocide is really the only answer to the current crises, but there's an Indian Buffet place I need to firebomb.





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