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September 2001

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In this issue:    Thora Birchophilia!     Fun on a Budget!     Ricky Martin: Fact or Fiction?     PLUS: God Hates PULP! , Batturtle Reviews movies that don't exist! and The Attack of Coffin Joe!.
At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul *****


It's not every day that you get to see a rare Brazilian horror movie on the big screen with a brand new 35mm print. And there's a reason for that, namely that Brazilian movies are really bad. But At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul is apparently an exception, or so I'm told. Quite frankly, if this is the best of the bunch, the rest must either be industrial films about paint factories or Portuguese Pauly Shore vehicles. This particular gem concerns itself with morbid grave digger Coffin Joe, of whom the local villagers live in fear, presumably because the man dresses like the WWF's Undertaker attending a formal function. Years of bad sci-fi and horror films have rendered my disbelief rather easily suspended, but I still find it hard to believe that a man in a black cloak, top hat, and cravat can be taken seriously by anybody, let alone feared, but that's just me. Coffin is an elitist who likes to think himself above the local peasantry, scorning their traditions and superstitions, and walking around with a level of haughtiness and contempt generally reserved for foreign film critics and indie music reviewers. This hostility and disregard for the 'common folk' was allegedly meant as an indictment of the tyrannical Brazilian government who, as the film would lead me to believe, attempted a cultural revolution aimed to force the peasantry into the modern age, all the while prancing around like buffoons dressed as outcasts from the Munster family. But despite Coffin's laughable dress, he is a sympathetic character. His one wish in life is to have a child, but his wife is barren, so naturally he has no choice but to feed her to spiders. Thus, Coffin embarks upon a hunt for a new bride, which he finds in the form of lovely Zederina and promptly slaps to death. As you can see, Coffin is not exactly a hit with the ladies. I'm no expert myself, but I'm fairly sure that most women don't see backhands as acceptable foreplay, nor do they find arachnids either romantic or particularly arousing. Coffin seems to have fallen into a common pitfall of modern romance, which is when guys assume that women are interested in the same things they are. I've fallen into this trap myself, and it's important when wooing a female prospect to remember that they think and feel very different from us men. Males, as most psychologists will tell you, tend to think with the more logical left lobe of the brain, while women tend to not think at all, instead relying on their inbred instincts to waste entire days shopping for tank tops and making completely meat-free salads. This is where much of the confusion between the sexes begins. Guys will assume that just because they enjoy, say, Formula 1 races, that their significant other will. Unfortunately, this is not true. As outlined above, women are completely unequipped to appreciate the beauty and excitement inherent in watching stupid-looking Hot Wheels driving around in a circle for eight hours. Modern courting has to take this into account. For example, instead of spending your first date discussing the complex statistical analyses required to make baseball an interesting sport, try talking about something a little simpler, something that your average woman can understand, like Another World reruns and why having her pay for the meal is actually a big step forward for the feminist movement. And instead of taking her to a midnight screening of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, try taking her somewhere you can both have fun, like a 'couples' movie at the Vanier Erotic Cineplex. It's this kind of consideration for her likes and dislikes that will lead to a long and loving relationship, and will prove you to be a modern man who understands the plight of today's woman. And if it doesn't, you can always feed her to spiders.

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