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September 2001

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In this issue:    Thora Birchophilia!     Fun on a Budget!     Ricky Martin: Fact or Fiction?     PLUS: God Hates PULP! , Batturtle Reviews movies that don't exist! and The Attack of Coffin Joe!.
 
 
Reviews from the FUTURE!
Batturtle

 
(for best effect, read title out loud in a loud booming "In the year 2000" kind of voice)

Well, it's that time yet again. When through a request in my e-mail (& by request I mean a swear laden demoralizing rant) Ash let's me know that it's PULP deadline time. And, as often happens at PULP deadline time...I got nothin'. My literature intake has been all downhill since reading Bruce Campbell's book. I'm currently plodding through The Lord of the Rings. It's kind of like reading a phone book, but with more fruity singing midgets. Most of the new TV season's not on yet. It's been delayed thanks to those bastard terrorists (if Spider-Man gets delayed because of them I'm enlisting). All the movies I've seen lately range from the craptacular Musketeer (I didn't want to see it, I wanted to go see the bad Eliza Dushku horror movie...but oh no...no one listens to me) to the ferociously disturbing (& not in the good way) DVD Faust...& don't really merit a write-up.

And so, in the spirit of imagination (a.k.a.: last minute ideas) I bring before you... REVIEWS FROM THE FUTURE!!! RFTF is a compilation of critiques of movies that are either going to come out or maybe might never even be made. Some are movies that I'd never ever see... some are even very unlikely to happen, but have been rumored. So sit back, relax, & enjoy my prattling idiocy.

1) On The Line
- directed by Eric Boss - starring a couple of those N'Sync chumps, George Costanza's dad & Dave Foley

There's a long history of musicians & pop stars crossing over to film. The Beatles did a couple of movies that are to thank (or to blame) in part for creating the music video genre. Pink Floyd's The Wall & The Who's Tommy both made it to the silver screen. George Lucas & Francis Ford Coppola did a 3-D Disney interactive thing with Michael Jackson called Captain Eo. I've never seen it, but I'm sure that it's dreadfully disturbing & that George & Francis regret ever accepting the gig. Glenn Danzig appeared in a movie. And who can forget Spice World? Unlike Spice World though...I wish I could forget On The Line. If I could submit myself to some Orwellian brain-washing/memory erasing project...oh you bet I would. I have no idea why I saw this movie. Probably for the same reason I watched Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles & Blood Surf. Glutton for punishment.

This "movie" was produced by & stars a couple of the N'Sync boys (who I think are actually both in their late 40's). I'm not sure what their names are...let's call them Joey Z & CJ...I think that that's what they call themselves. It's directed by some guy who should be shot & dragged out into the street. I'm not sure what it was about. Something romanticy. I was busy thinking about better times & wishing that I had a fork to stab my eyes out with. The only good part in the otherwise 90 minutes of hell is an appearance from Kid in the Hall Dave Foley. It's good to see him...but sad that he's in a boy band movie. For the love of God...learn from my mistake. Stay as far away from this movie as possible.

2) Phone Booth
- directed by Joel Schumacher - starring Colin Firth, Ron Eldard & Katie Holmes.

WHY THE HELL IS HOLLYWOOD STILL LETTING JOEL SCHUMACHER MAKE MOVIES!!!!! What have I ever done to them? Why do they hate me so? If he were in any other profession, he would have been fired a dozen times over by now. Check this out for a track record: St. Elmo's Fire, DC Cab, Cousins, Flawless, 8mm, Flatliners...why hasn't someone lynched this guy yet? And let us not forget that he dropped the ball on what promised to be one of the most successful franchises of all time. Batman's car doesn't have pink neon lights. Batman does not have a Bat-credit card. Batman DOES NOT have nipples embossed onto his costume! What purpose does that serve? How do they help in his quest to strike fear in the hearts of criminals & bring justice to Gotham?

But...seemingly the big bosses in Hollywood are either very forgiving or big stupid morons. I'm leaning towards the latter. Because guess what...Schumacher has done yet ANOTHER movie. Which means that a studio has decided that it's in their best interest to trust millions of dollars & the livelihood of many into his untalented hands. This time around, Joel is directing a lil' ditty by the name of Phone Booth. Why is it called Phone Booth? Well, because it takes place in a phone booth of course. Genius! (he typed sarcastically). It's supposed to be a suspense/thriller about a man trapped under the target of a sniper. It fails miserably on all counts. You don't care about the characters & don't believe the script. The highlight is that Katie Holmes is in it. Even her grace & beauty could not bring a ray of light to this horrid thing. Actually, the best part of the movie is when the end credits start to roll. And after the audience boos at the screen they form into an angry mob & go & beat up on the theatre manager until they're given a refund. That was pretty fun.

3) Memoirs of a Geisha
- directed by Steven Spielberg - starring an Asian girl

I'm a BIG fan of Mr. Spielberg. Every time he releases a directorial effort (which is too far & few in-between), for me it feels a bit like Christmas morn. You know how Dawson has his bedroom covered in Spielberg posters & wants to make movies when he grows up? Well, that's pretty much me. So, as you might guess...I was first in line to buy a ticket for his latest offering to the huddled masses: Memoirs of a Geisha. Many of his old partners are back once again: editor James Kahn, cinematographer Januz Kaminski, producer Kathleen Kennedy & composer John Williams. So, in that vein...as you might guess...the movie excels on all artistic & technical fronts. And, being one of his dramatic turns (like Schindler's List & Saving Private Ryan), I'm sure that Oscar might be heading Spielberg's way once again.

I only have one small complaint though. Memoirs was missing one great aspect that was very much in the foreground of a few of his earlier films. Just a little thing that was missing that would have put the film over the top from excellent to classic. Dinosaurs. There wasn't even one single dinosaur in the entire movie. Not even a tiny one. We know he has the technology. We know that he knows how to do it. Then why not do it? What would add a more unexpected twist to the life of a poor struggling Geisha girl than a dinosaur or two? Audiences love a surprises. And what's more surprising than an unexpected attack from a flock of bloodthirsty Pteranadons? I still recommend this movie...just a bit crestfallen at the lack of dinosaurs.

4) Servicing Sarah
- directed by Reginald Hadlin - starring Bruce Campbell, Liz Hurley & Chandler

There's one giant gaping unforgivable flaw in this love triangle romantic comedy. It's a mistake that Hollywood has made before & I hope & pray that it will never make again (but surely will). If you're doing a movie that is lucky enough to be graced by the presence of Bruce Campbell...you put him front & centre, baby! You don't give Liz Hurley & Chandler Bing bigger parts than he. Rewrite that script! Retool those ideas! Get it together man! If Bruce had been kicking monkey ass for two hours...Congo would have ruled! If Bruce had been fighting vampires throughout From Dusk Till Dawn 2...it would've...uh, well...it would've ruled. What's wrong with people? Do they get together & have staff meetings on how to piss me off? Do you know that Bruce was up for the part of Doggitt on the X-Files? Did you know that Bruce almost got to play The Phantom? But oh no...someone had the bright idea to go in a different direction.

Now, at least in Servicing Sarah, he does have a fairly sizable part. But for the love of Satan...does anyone with half a brain believe that Chandler could steal a woman away from Bruce. Yeah...sure. And JFK was killed by a lone gunman. But, the movie is directed by the guy who brought us the Saturday Night Live classic (& by classic I mean giant bag of putrid garbage) The Ladies Man...so what can you expect? At least we have Bubbah Ho Tep (Bruce playing an elderly Elvis fighting Mummy's) & the next Phantasm movie to look forward to.

5) Batman/Superman: World's Finest
- directed by Wolfgang Peterson - starring George Clooney & John Travolta

If there was any ever need of proof that Scientology secretly runs the entertainment industry this is it. I remember reading the internet reports a while ago that John Travolta was tapped to play Superman. And right away I thought that that was just awful enough to be true. And in a backup example of what a horrible world we live in, who do they pick to play Batman? The guy who helped ruin the last Bat-movie back in '97!?! What the hell's wrong with these brainiacs? But, in this case I guess the blame is really placed on Wolfgang "I directed a 16 hour long submarine movie, so there" Peterson. Thanks to the two huge successes of Air Force One & Perfect Storm...he pretty much had free reign to do whatever the hell he wanted. Combine that with Clooney's recent success with Ocean's 11 & therefore is thrown together the building blocks for disaster. Trust a German, the combined might of the stars of Facts of Life & Look Who's Talking Too to just make a mess of what could have been cinematic gold.

Believe me. I would've loved to have loved this movie. I would've loved for this to be the best comic book movie ever. It would've been great to have this spin off into a franchise that would've likely lead to an epic Justice League movie. But it ain't gonna' happen. Wolfgang should be deported back to the motherland. Travolta should BEG Tarantino to put him in another movie. And Clooney should stay the HELL away from Batman.

I'm sure getting Jack Nicholson to play Joker & Luthor seemed like a good idea on paper. But, like everything else in this movie...it just don't work.

Well...that's all for this time boys n' girls. But keep your fingers crossed & say all of your prayers before bed & maybe...just maybe we'll be back & you'll be graced with more delusions, lies & half-truth's from the fine folks at REVIEWS FROM THE FUTURE!!!





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