TANGMONKEY.COM [ The Official Ice Cream Fan Club ]

The Official Declaration of Ice-Cream's Uniform Greatness

The Official Ice-Cream Fan Club is not simply a petty organization whose goal is to gobble gelato and crunch on cones. Nay, we of the OIFC have far greater objectives - desires that only a united world statement will allow us to achieve. Ice-cream is adored by everyone on this planet, save the demons who reject it. Ice-cream is a common bond through which all good humans are connected, it is a link by which World Peace can flow.

For this reason, the OIFC has created a petition to be submitted to the world's great leaders, calling upon them to make an Official Declaration of Ice-Cream's Uniform Greatness. We ask everyone to add their virtual signature, thereby demonstrating the overwhelming support that this movement possesses.

This is the text of the petition. Please sign below.

To the leaders of the Earth's government, past and present,

We the undersigned come together before you to express with full and utter conviction our own deep and resonating opinions viz. the matter of ICE-CREAM. As both a dessert and a summer-time treat, this dairy delight has brought joy and pleasantness to millions - if not billions - of the world's people. Across all of the world's longitudes and latitudes, from North Pole to South Pole, over mountain ranges and along rivers, ice-cream has been enjoyed by humans young and old, healthy and sickly. Its cool, sweet, delectable attributes have made many a day brighter, and lent many a smile to otherwise grim faces.

Ice-cream has played a pivotal role in both World Wars, as well as countless lesser skirmishes and battles. Regardless of ideology or nationality, soldiers have found comfort and security in ice-cream, each lick driving away the terror of death and dismemberment. Scalping and eye-gouging are set to the wayside as all of humanity can share a single, righteous emotion: the visceral delight that is ice-cream. Even excrutiating pain can be cast away - agonizing as it might be; tearing through one's body like fire along something that really hurts when it's on fire... all thanks to that blesséd cream that is iced, that king among foods - ice-cream.

While we the undersigned to comprehend that not everyone enjoys ice-cream quite as we do, we also condemn such vile, antagonistic hatemongers for not joining us in singing ice-cream's praises. Regardless of capricious tastes, we feel it is obvious that everyone and anyone can appreciate the wonders of ice-cream, and if any are not willing to accept its most godly qualities, they should surely be stoned, or at the very least derided as devils and demons - foul, spindle-legged monstrosities that walk the Earth as annihilators of Love - existing as the very antithesis of all that is Good.

We the undersigned also support the notion that all flavours of ice-cream - be they vanilla, chocolate-chip, mint chocolate-chip, strawberry, pretzel or what-have-you - are equal in the eyes of God, Gods, or the fictional Atheist Deity. While some may cherish cranberry swirl over tiger-tail, these distinctions are the irrelevant in the greater scope of things. The common respect for, and delight in, ice-cream is paramount, lesser squabbles over flavour (or even the spelling of 'flavor' versus 'flavour') should be set aside in favour (or favor) of a unilateral declaration on ice-cream.

It has come to the attention that such a declaration is not even in the preliminary stages of development at any national legislature. We therefore propose that as one, the international community come together to announce a UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF ICE-CREAM'S UNIFORM GREATNESS, to be presented to the United Nations General Assembly. This document, besides being written in a very pretty font, with curleques and golden ink, would express once and for all the unrivalled appreciation that all of Humanity (save the aforementioned nether-demons,) share for the most regal, delicious, and Important of dishes. A permanent shrine to ice-cream - representing the relentlessly numerous joys it has blessed the Earth with - is to be erected at United Nations headquarters, and free ice-cream samples should be offered to all delegates, in an attempt to create a UNIVERSAL PEACE on the basis of a love of ice-cream.
We the undersigned do then state, in closing, that ICE-CREAM IS THE WORLD'S MOST VALUABLE COMMODITY. It has brought unrivalled amounts of bliss to the Earth, and, regardless of its flavour or flavor, its value should be publically announced in a Universal Declaration. This, while only beginning to truly recognize Ice-Cream's vital and delectable role in the world's societies, would also spur World Peace on a scale never before seen.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned